RIP Read My List

Welp, it’s been three steamy years and 91 nasty posts, but Read My List is finally calling it quits.  Writing these lists has been a fantastic exercise in creativity.  Coming up with a new theme for every post was challenging at times, and I’m super grateful to all of the readers that suggested ideas.  I had a lot of fun trying to find the funny in the mundane (seriously, we did a list on Indianapolis) and Google Image searching things like “in da club” and “dog diaper” always made me laugh.

There were a lot of times when I almost stopped writing Read My List, but it was always you readers that bugged me to keep going.  Seriously, without your encouragement we would have not made it past year one.  I want to thank all of you readers for every one of your lovely comments both here and on Facebook.  It meant so much.

And now to leave you with something we never said: When in doubt, list it out!

Forever and always,

Miles

5 Beloved Cartoons that are Actually Terrible

Scooby-Doo

How many billions of dollars have been made off of a show that is little more than looped chase sequences and a dog with a speech impediment?  In a cartoon where the jokes aren’t funny the first time, they have a laugh track to remind you that, yes, they are still doing a gag about Scooby being scared of a butt 427 episodes later.

Inspector Gadget

Why would Chief hire Inspector Gadget? Just because his mouth is a toaster and his nipples leak oil doesn’t mean he’s qualified to solve international mysteries.  Also, should Penny, who has somehow gotten her hands on a Kindle and an ipod nano-watch 25 years early, be left in the protection of a cyborg who is constantly malfunctioning?  One of these days those helicopter blades are gonna kill that poor girl!

George of the Jungle

George of the Jungle is just Tarzan if everyone that made Tarzan was bleeding to death.  The show is rushed, jokeless, and in desperate need of medical attention.  I mean, what do George’s genitals even look like after 530 tree collisions?  See those red blotches on his loincloth? That’s blood.

Super Friends

I thought it was impossible not to be afraid of Batman, until I saw the Super Friends.  Here, Brucey joins his spandex clad pals in maybe protecting the planet, but really just agreeing with eachother all the time with their pants off.  The only good thing to come out of this cartoon was the four token multicultural heroes who despite being stereotypes have way cooler powers than, say, Wonder Woman, whose ability is to have a star spangled camel toe.

Rocky and Bullwinkle

This is maybe the worst animated anything that I’ve ever seen. Whenever Rocky talks I think (s)he’s having a stroke, but then every character talks like that!  The frame rate is 2 per minute, and I hate to bring up the elephant in the room, but Bullwinkle’s body looks like Black man’s testicle!

The 5 Ways to Get a Date for Valentine’s Day

Go with a Relative

I mean she’s not really my cousin, she’s more like my Dad’s good friend’s daughter, except that good friend is his sister, and that daughter is my cousin…but I only ever saw her on holidays anyway, and it’s not like I was ever checking her out, even though she is the hotter cousin, but like, hotter in an objective way, like hotter for science.

Kidnap Someone

If Krystal’s’ commercials have taught me nothing, it’s that putting a boy in your trunk is A Ok.  I mean, obviously not a little boy, but a man who’s of consenting age, but who does not consent to being forced at knifepoint into my trunk.  By  kidnapping my date, I can entertain my murderous sexual fantasies about holding a man hostage in my basement while I feed him barbed wire and glass Hershey’s Kisses.

Online Dating

The Internet is a totally legitimate place to find dates, but if you need one for tomorrow, you can forget about eHarmony.  Log onto any love app, such as Grindr, Stalkr, or Fuckr, and get to messaging.  And by messaging, I mean slide your smartphone down your pants and snap a picture of your what-not.  This will guarantee you a quality date who will roofie your drink, drink it himself, and then handcuff you both to a moving vehicle.

Call Your Ex

Hey boo, what you up to?  At your mom’s house?  Man, she’s such a bitch, right?  No? She’s your mom and you love her?  Well she was always a huge dick to me .  Remember that time when she cried in church and I laughed at her and she told me that I was “of the devil?”  What?  I can’t talk about her like that?  Why am I even calling you, we broke up, like, 4 years ago?  Well how would you like to be my sexy Valentine and go on a sexy V-date with me?

Hello?

Go Stag

Painting by Jana Paleckova

Why not forget all the trouble of finding a date on Valentine’s Day and just go stag?  And by that, I don’t mean go to a restaurant alone and drink an entire bottle of red wine, I mean go with a stag!  Male deer are strong, protective, and, I hope I’m not sounding too beastial here, damn sexy.  You can talk about coat of arms, antler accessories, and which does are total hoes.  And if at some point during the evening the stag wants to take you back to his place, get the hell out of there.

The 5 Reasons to Learn a Foreign Language

You’ve Exhausted all of your English Language Media

Ugh, I’ve literally watched every show on Hulu and Netflix and read every single thing ever written in English, even the bible!  I can’t take it anymore! I almost went outside, but then I found out that there were 14 versions of Ugly Betty that I had never seen.  The actors talked funny, but I remembered enough from Taco Bell commercials and Dora the Sexplorer  to piece together that Betty’s braces are fake.

You Can Hold It Over Other People

Wake up America! If you only speak one language, you’re racist.  I don’t care if you were only offered Latin in school and everyone around you only speaks English, it’s still all your fault.  I speak four languages: Spanish, because I believe in America; sign language, because deaf kids are trendsetters; Mandarin because China is the future; and English because it was pretty much forced on me at birth.

It’s Never Too Late to Commit to Something Really Difficult, Time Consuming, and Expensive

Sorry boyfriend, I can’t touch your no-no zone right now because I have to learn the pluperfect tense, then make 500 flash cards.  And you know I want to go to Venezuela with you, but I should really only travel to French speaking countries if I’m going to learn this language by 2029.  Can you buy groceries this month?  I spent all of my savings on Rosetta Stone…

To Get Laid

Bonjour sluts, voudriez-vous toucher mon penis avec tes acrylic nails?  Après, on peut quitter ce strip club and faire le dirty dans mon boudoir de sexe. Pas intéressé?  Pourquois pas vouz appliquez ces body stickers et rejoignez moi pour un carafe de roofies?

To Make That Monaaaaaay

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but translators make bank.  We’re talking 100,000 to 200,000 pennies a year.  If you speak a hot language like Fula, you can make a comfortable living translating cattle agreements for Fulbe herders.  That flock of sheep you got may not look like a lot of money right now, but I’ve heard that in 5 years it’s going to be worth at least 45 sweaters.

The 5 Hottest Young Tyrants

Joseph Stalin

Before all the megalomania, mass deportations of citizens to Siberia, and bad mustache choices, Stalin was a just a hot otter who wouldn’t look out of place at a gay bar in Petrograd.  At 5’4” and with a sexy, withered left hand, Stalin could have had a good career as the steamy young Bolshevik  to some rich Sugar Papa.

Yakubu Gowon

Mmmm! I do like me a Ngas man from Kanke! Especially one that can move, honey!  Before military coup-ing Nigeria, Gowon was a boxer, soccer goalie, and pole vaulter, so you know that man knew his way around a penis! Am I right ladies?

Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon wasn’t always a slack jowled Republican with dead eyes and a receding hairline .  Once upon a time those jowls were tight and sexy, and that hair squiggled across his forehead like a question mark, asking the ladies “who’s ready for orgasmgate?”

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

We all know that Mahmoud was only elected for his looks, so it’s quite the surprise to find out that back in the day he was even more of a hunk.  While much of Mahmoud’s post-college, pre-grad school life remains a sexy mystery, I’m betting that he was cleaning a lot of Persian carpets, if you know what I mean.

Corneliu Zelea Codreanu

While Romania later tried to play down Corneliu’s hotness by printing a postage stamp that showed him with a butt chin, this smexy fascist was quite the teenage dream.  After he was deemed too young and luscious to fight in WWI, he famously claimed that the Jews were threatening the purity of young Romanian women.  But Corneliu, it was you.  Oh honey, it was you.

5 Things That People Need to Learn in 2013

How to Pronounce 2013

Say this out loud: 1913.  Now say this out loud: 2013. For those of you that said “two-thousand thirteen,” please wound yourselves with the closest sharp object.  You need to stop this madness and say 2013 the way it should be said: twunny therteen. Mark my words, I am not going to go through this entire century listening to you say two-thousand thirty-three and two-thousand ninety-nine. Don’t be so two-thousand and late on this one dummies!

Smartphone Etiquette

Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize that the story I was telling was less interesting than your friend’s Tweet about cat AIDS.  No, no it’s fine.  I’ll just sit here in silence while you scroll through Instagram for a few minutes, then start up right where I left off about my mom having cancer.  Take your time, and you know what?  Take mine too.

We Don’t Need Gender Specific Words for Everything

It seems that whenever men borrow stuff from women these days, it can’t go unnoticed.  So what if these tights outline my monster calves, do we have to call them meggings?  What’s next? You’re going to compliment my guylashes and tell me when my bro strap is showing?  It’s my right as a 21st century man to do whatever I want, and not have to be constantly reminded that yes, I’m a man, and yes, I’m wearing manties.

America Will Never Adopt the Metric System

The international science community is not going to stop me from driving a mile to the store, buying a gallon of ice cream, and weighing 327 pounds.  We Americans like the standard system, and we’re good at it too.  Everybody knows that it’s 73 teaspoons to a half gallon, and 29 billion inches to a mile.  No one, not even every other country on earth, is going to take away my right to measure my driveway using the length of some king’s foot who died, like, a million years ago.

We Really Need to Stop Saying Amazing so Much

Guys, I know, I say it too.  Amazing is just such an amazing word for describing things.  I mean, it’s pretty amazing that the average person says amazing 428.5 times a day, but maybe it needs to stop.  We have to admit that we have an amazing, awesome, crazy problem that even amazeballs can’t fix.  We have to do something, maybe something as drastic as opening a thesaurus, to curb what some English teachers are calling “the end of civilization as we know it.”