Miles’ 5 Tackiest Types of Home Decor

Water Beds

Getting comfortable is overrated.  Water bed salesmen have proven through extensive research that it’s better to sleep on something that is constantly moving around and waking you up.  It’s kind of like sex.  Plus, with a water bed you don’t even need to wet the bed anymore, because your water bed will do that for you.

Home Entertainment Centers

Think of it: instead of sending your kids to college you can replace your entire DVD collection with Blue Ray and buy a $2,000 Samsung surround sound system.   Nothing says that you don’t need to learn how to read like a a 900 inch flat screen HD 3D TV. Let TLC be their education.  That still stands for The Learning Channel, right?

Kitchen Curtains

Nothing says domesticity like large pieces of fabric designed to obscure the outdoors and any aspirations of a job outside of raising the children.  Floral kitchen curtains are the best because they’ll match your faded floral house dress, becoming a kind of grubby extension of yourself.  When your husband starts forgetting your name and just starts calling you “the Wife,” then you know that the curtains have done their job of erasing your identity entirely.

Indoor Hot Tubs

If you buy a home hot tub you’ll either never use it or you’ll use it too much.  You’ll eat all of your meals in it and you’ll drop food in it and the food will kind of just float around in there for days until your maid fishes it out.  You’ll ground your kids for not using the hot tub enough and as a punishment you’ll make them do their homework in the hot tub and when they start complaining of head aches and odd breathing from all the heat exposure you’ll make them sleep in the hot tub.

Carpet in the Bathroom

I thought about tile in the bathroom, but I decided that I wanted something that can catch all of my toenail clippings and hide them forever.  I want to accidentally drop my contact lens and never be able to find it.    And I really like mold.  Yes, mold is something that’s really important to me at this point in my life.

Miles’ 5 New Years Resolutions

Improve French Skills

Don’t be fooled, learning foreign languages is super easy…when you have a teacher…or are in a place where that foreign language is spoken. When working alone, however, the otherwise glamorous activities of making flash cards and drawing verb charts feel tedious.  There’s a French speaking group that I can go to that’s like, 2 feet from my house, but I’m so scared you guys.  What if they ridicule my choppy sentences and throw baguettes at me?  What if they forcefeed me foie gras in some sort of ironic commentary?  Like Marie Antoinette I must be brave.

Build a Secret Body

What is a secret body, you say?  You know that friend who looks completely normal and then even in a t-shirt he doesn’t really seem like he has anything going on, but then you’re at the pool and the clothes come off and suddenly there’s a body under there?  That’s a secret body.  This is not to be confused with a sweater body, which is the opposite, as it can be seen clearly under any item of clothing, even a thick sweater.  For someone as thin as I am, a sweater body is completely unfathomable, but I’m shooting for a secret body by summer.  Maybe?

Sew an Amazing Jumpsuit

Let’s be real.  Matching your shirt with your pants is super hard, especially when it’s 7 in the morning and you’re already late for work and you don’t have a light in your closet because your apartment doesn’t make sense.  There is no better solution to this problem than overalls a jumpsuit.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry.  I’ve sewed a shirt, and I’ve made shorts, so how much more complicated can it be to make a jumpsuit?  I just have to make sure that the shoulders fit, the crotch fits, the ass fits, the sleeves fit, the collar fits, and the zipper stays in place.  But you know what, I have a whole year, so shut up.

Make a Comic

My journey as a failed artist has progressed like this:

1. Art making= fun
2. Art making = challenging but rewarding
3. Art making = low self esteem

Now I’ve reached the point where everything I draw takes 37 hours and looks like poop.  And yet somehow, even though lifting a pencil also makes me want to lift a knife and move it towards my wrist, I have agreed to do a comic with my boyfriend.  I mean, I already wrote the script (and it’s amazing) but drawing the thing is just too emo.  Maybe I need to take a cue from New Years Eve and get trashed before drawing.  It worked for Warhol.

Launch Rap Career

In 2012 it has to happen.

 

The 5 Best Things About Winter

Sledding

Sledding never gets old.  It gives the same rush as biking, without any of the breaking or steering capabilities.  I don’t know how many children I mowed down at the Windmill Sledding Hill over the years, but a handful of them must have walked away with brain damage.  With all of the engineering that goes into a car or even a bike, it’s amazing that a piece of plastic on a slope can achieve enough momentum to propel someone down a hill, into 7 toddlers, through a hay bail, into an icy lake, and ultimately to an early death.

Less Bikers

There’s nothing I hate more than getting stuck behind some mom on her cruiser going 2 miles an hour with her earbuds in.  If you want to listen to Shakira and ride you bike to the YWCA at a literally a crawling pace, then please get off the damn road.  In the winter, all of these people take the bus and pretend that walking to the water cooler is cardio, thus freeing up the road for those of us crazy (or miserly) enough to ride through the hell that is December, January, February, and March.  Sadly, the warm Spring weather  brings back all of these slow-pokes, while simultaneously melting all of the snow banks that I could have shoved them into.

Bragging Rights

Bitch, you think 30 degrees is cold?  Try negative 30 with 50 mile an hour winds and no sunshine for 3 months.  I shoveled my way through five snow banks on my way to work last year, and slipped on black ice more times than I can remember.  All of my bones are broken.  We were too poor to turn on the heat and my comforter froze to my body every single night.  My tongue got  stuck on a pole and I had to rip it off because I was late for work.  I still can’t feel my fingers.

Sleeping

Throw away your bible, because in the winter the Bed is your new god.  There is nothing I like better than to put on my long underwear, pj pants, sleepy t, and hoodie before covering myself in three quilts and and seven pillows.  It’s that crushing sense of warmth that you can only achieve in winter that will make you snooze until 3pm, and then not care if you get fired because that just means you can sleep more.

Winter Olympics

Once every four winters something amazing happens.  The rich snowy countries of the world band together to offer us an entire month of televised silly sports to distract us from our frozen, lifeless insides.  I mean really, why would you go outside when you could hole up on your couch watching men with the biggest thighs you’ve ever seen race around a rink in tight orange spandex?  Of course the real reason to watch the games is to see which Asian American will have her dream of the gold medal crushed this time around.  Remember when Michelle Kwan failed to win for what felt like a thousand years?  Bitch shut up.

The 5 Worst Things About Winter

1.  SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Basically the minute October becomes November, I turn into a huge mess. Between the dropping temperatures, grey days and the fact that I have to work under fluorescent lighting during the (brief) period the sun is out, I walk around being droopy a good 65% of the time. I never want to leave the house because I’m too busy lying under a blanket AND watching tv. That’s called multitasking, people. Last year it go so bad that my SAD (or at least what I refer to as SAD) symptoms culminated in me crying in a snowbank littered with cigarette butts in front of a bar while the line of people waiting to get in tried to coax me out of it.

2.  Having to Talk Nonstop About the Winter

I’m pretty sure there is something in the air during winter that makes us lose all our conversational skills from the moment the first snowflake hits the ground until the last bit of brown snow has melted in the spring. You walk into a store/restaurant/any place where people haven’t been outside in a while, and all anyone wants to know is what’s happening with the weather. “Is it snowing?” “Cold out there, huh?” “The weather is supposed to stay the same until Sunday, and then it will blah blah blah.” If discussing weather with strangers wasn’t bad enough, talking about it to your normally interesting friends is enough to make me count the days down until spring.

3.  People Becoming Un-Sexy

Between the chapped lips, runny noses and bad hair (see #4) we run around with for a good 4 months, it’s no wonder people have less sex in the winter. Ok, ok…I know it actually has to do with some scientific reasons including a loss in the production of hormones and a biological drop in libido during winter, but come on! Let’s not pretend that we’re something we’re not- a visually stimulated culture. Spending a good part of your time in a giant coat, hat, mittens, etc with just your face showing makes everyone look the same from the back; sometimes from the front, too. On top of that, in the winter many of us develop what I like to refer to as a “potato body”: pale and lumpy. Just let me know when I sprout eyes.

4.  Winter Hair

There are so many barriers winter brings to having good hair. It dries is out, making it staticky and unmanageable. Since November, I have purchased three different conditioner on three separate occasions, all of them promising deep conditioning. My hair still feels like straw. And wearing hats only serves to make the winter hair issue worse. They somehow manage to completely flatten your hair while at the same time making it stick out at odd angles. I don’t even want to think about leaving the house in the winter with wet hair, but if you do, you may want to re-think covering it. The last time I went outside with wet hair, I wore a hood, hoping to avoid hat hair. After my hair dried, the rest of the day my family kept asking me in concerned voices if I had cut my hair.

5.  Ice

Let’s face it, winter is the worst season for the accident-prone (read: me). If there is even the smallest patch of ice, I will find it by slipping on it, wildly waving my arms and shrieking, ultimately landing flat on my butt. Probably in front of a cute neighbor. Like most people, I have to retire a good part of my shoe collection when winter hits. However, there are several pairs of boots designed for winter that I just refuse to wear because I have fallen in them too many times. My butt is basically sore the entire winter, and I try not to go anywhere without someone to catch me I can bring down with me.

5 Countries that the US Should Annex

When was the last time that America had a new state?  When was the last time that the US annexed anything?  It’s high time that America put that $550,000,000,000.00  military budget to good use and added some more stars to that beautiful flag of ours. Below are my suggestions for countries that should become new states for America. 

Canada

 Canada has been getting a little too cultured/healthy/respectful of diversity lately, so it’s time to drag them down to our level.  Learning about their history is too hard, so we plan to instate a strong Americanization program to make the country less confusing.  All Tim Horton’s will become Dunkin Donuts, and Quebec?  They speak Spanish now. 

Equatorial Guinea

Imagine if the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls were an entire country!  Now imagine that that country is the 54^th state of America.  Let’s be real, Oprah isn’t rich enough to buy up a country like Zimbabwe, but Equatorial Guinea is well within her price range, and it’s Spanish speaking, so there’s that.   Expect a show about Central African student council elections to premier on OWN this spring. 

Georgia

 

I know what you’re thinking, we can’t annex the country of Georgia because we already have a state named Georgia and it would just be too confusing.  Don’t worry, we have a plan.  The state of Georgia will become West Georgia, and the country will become East Georgia.  Tbilisi will become East Atlanta, and the West Georgian Atlanta neighborhood of East Atlanta will become East West Atlanta…Or wait.

My head hurts.

Ecuador

How can we even call ourselves the United States of America without owning at least part of South America?  Ecuador is the perfect new state for America, because if anyone forgets where it is, there is a mnemonic device built into the country’s state’s name.  We’ll have to strike down all of their environmental laws so we can build a proper amount of McMansions and the Galápagos Islands will probably have to be paved, but soon enough it will feel just like home!

Moldova

Americans have always had a boner for Europe, so now is our big chance to own a piece of that loveable continent.  While most of the countries are too big/EU-protected to be pushed around without backlash, we did learn that Moldova was available for conquering.  Of course, we did have to make some deals with Romania in order to get our hands on their runaway neighbor (goodbye US olympic gymnastics program), but it was all worth it to be able to smell that sweet Mediterranean air.  Wait, where’s Moldova again?

5 Worst TV Dads

5.  Peter Griffin from “Family Guy”

While Peter is immature, extremely selfish and emotionally unavailable to all his children, it is his cruelness towards his daughter Meg that earns him a ranking on this list. His emotional- and sometimes physical- abuse directed at Meg is constant. From frequent reminders that Peter finds her repulsive to farting on her, all the way to shooting Meg in the chest when she just said “hi” to him, his behavior is callous and often shocking. What saves him from being rated higher is the fact that she totally sucks. “Shut up, Meg.”

4.  Dan Scott from “One Tree Hill”

In full-disclosure, I have only seen a handful of episodes from “One Tree Hill,” but in every. single. one.  Dan Scott suuuuucks. He abandoned his first born son and wife and seemingly attempted to make up for it by pushing his other son way too hard and making him resentful. This is about all I know about him/the show except: basketball, basketball, murder, basketball. Oh, and a golden retriever ate his heart transplant at some point.

3.  Frank Costanza from “Seinfeld”

Although the man gave us Festivus, Frank Costanza was a pretty terrible father. Loud, quick to anger and outspoken about his lack of pride in his son, is it any wonder that George is the way he is?

2.  Aaron Echolls from “Veronica Mars”

Aaron Echolls was an all around terrible person; he cheated on his wife and abused his son Logan. He conducted an affair with his son’s girlfriend, and when she threatened to expose him, he murdered her and had someone plant evidence against her brother. If that wasn’t bad enough, later on Veronica discovers that Aaron was the killer while she was dating his son. While Veronica attempted to get to the police, Aaron tries to murder her, too. Bad man! Although he only succeeded in killing one of his son’s girlfriends, I think it’s safe to say that the attempted murder alone cements him on this list.

1.  Frank Reynolds from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

One of the grossest people I can think of at the top of my head, Frank Reynolds is a mentally unstable compulsive gambler with a history of drug addiction who only shows interest in his children when it can benefit him. The list of offenses against his children goes on and on: turning his son Dennis into a gigolo, setting his daughter Dee on fire, forcing Dee to become a boxer, giving Dee rabies, water-boarding Dee….Well, maybe he’s not as horrible a father to Dennis, but he isn’t about to win any awards. Except for the number one spot on my list!

The 5 Things That Miles Is Thankful For

I am thankful for Anderson Cooper’s Talk Show

Finally the Occupy Anderson Cooper’s Life movement achieved its goals of getting a show purely dedicated to Anderson giggling and being shirtless.  Unlike on Anderson Cooper 360, where AC spends the whole time talking about world news and stuff, the talk show mainly involves Anderson spray tanning with Snooki and bench pressing Kathy Griffin.  For those who miss the AC360 moments when Anderson gazes into the camera with his icy blue eyes and his lips half parted, have no fear, because on the show’s Youtube channel you can watch Anderson answer viewer questions with the same bedroom eyes, except this time they are framed with black hipster glasses.  I would be even more thankful if someone could deliver this man to my front door.

2)      I am thankful for X-Factor (UK) Season 8

For those of you who are unfamiliar with X-Factor, it’s like American Idol but triple the budget, halve the talent, give the judges actual voting off power, and add in explosions, fire, and an army of spandex clad back up dancers.  At first I was nervous that this season wouldn’t make sense without Simon Cowell (who left to judge the awful American version), but I relaxed when the new judges proved to be super sexy (Gary Barlow and Kelly Rowland) and at times so steeped in slang that they became totally incomprehensible (Kelly). It’s true, I was a bit apprehensive when carnival act Kitty Brucknell went home, who entertained audiences by lighting pianos on fire and strapping herself to spark-shooting spinning death wheels.  However, I am thankful that I still have the girl group Little Mix, who after a charity law-suit renamed themselves after a Halloween candy assortment pack, and Marcus Collins, who is sort of a Little Richard meets Hairspray meets Wham! kind of act.  It’s all on YouTube people.

3)      I am thankful for my new job

Just last summer I was sitting at the front desk of a Chicago hair salon, listening to pumpkin-faced old women bitch at me about their daily struggles to catch taxis, and how deplorable their Michigan Avenue apartments were.  Occasionally, I would take a lunch break from this hell, where I would sit in the backroom and dodge one co-workers attempts to touch my junk, while reassuring another that she was indeed, smart, even though she was the dumbest girl I had ever met in my entire life (she did not know that Berlin was in Germany).  Now I live and work in Minneapolis, where I help unemployed people job search and learn computer skills.  Sometimes my old life as a high flying sexually-harassed receptionist feels like a dream, but then I remember that it was a nightmare.

4)      I am thankful for moving in with boyfriend

Do you want know the secret of an easy, low cost life?  Move in with you significant other. Make sure they like to cook, and won’t notice when you eat all of their Frito’s.   Split a one-bedroom so you can live dirt cheap, and make sure that they own the car so that they can drive you to the grocery store for free.  Apartment getting a little too messy with all their stuff?  Just bitch at them and tell them that you live there too (with normal roommates, this never works).  Don’t feel like doing the dishes?  Just ignore them and act more exhausted than usual.  Life is so much easier when you can lean on/leech off of another human being.

5)      I am thankful for the YWCA

The YWCA is my dream gym: conveniently located, multi-racial, and douchebag-free.  All of the posters are of powerful women, and the guys who work out there are attractive enough, but not to the point where they are distracting (see: College).  While I could do without the people in the locker room that get completely naked before walking to the showers, anything is a step up from the Chicago park district fitness center, where I had to change in the bathroom with children banging on the stall door complaining that their stomachs feel “urpy.”

The 5 Worst Things About Being a Woman

Societal Pressure on Being a Twig

Day to day I generally feel neutral to pretty good about my body. I’m not the kind of person who spends a lot of time thinking about my jean size or rationing what I eat. That is, until I open a women’s magazine. Even though I know that most models are Photoshopped to within an inch of their lives, I can’t help compare myself to someone who earns a living by being a clothing rack. Suddenly I feel like a giant jiggling about on my huge legs that get bigger towards the top- not like all these models whose thighs are the same circumference all the way up! Surely there must be something wrong with me! Oh no, none of my ribs poke out of my back- I should probably start fasting! Don’t even get me started on how you can’t even eat cereal our of my collarbones!

Double Standards

Think of all the worst words you know: how many of them are derogatory words for a woman or for female genitalia?  Have you noticed how easy it is to insult a woman based on her gender alone, with many of the words having no male correlation? Think of how many words we have for “slut” alone: whore, floozy, skank, tramp, loose, painted lady…well, maybe that last one is a little archaic. But what is the male equivalent to slut? Stud? Player? Womanizer? All of these words call to mind a glamorous image, whether it be Frank Sinatra or Jay-Z. What glamorous image does “slut” bring to mind? Ke$ha? Even the man to woman equivalent of the word “prostitute” is imbalanced. Women are hookers, conjuring up images of cheap vinyl outfits, while men get to be gigolos, conjuring up images of Richard Gere.

Cost of Lady Products

I consider myself to be a pretty low-key woman when it comes to getting ready. I work in a very casual environment, so I barely wear makeup or do my hair. Even so, on an average day it takes 14 products to get me out of the door. I don’t even want to tally how many products I use when I go out! I don’t know if you pay attention to the cost of beauty products, but shit’s expensive! I recently bought new mascara from a drugstore- on sale that tiny tube was $9. And the cosmetic industry has us all convinced that in six weeks, it is unsanitary for you to be using the same tube of mascara. And while for men a shampoo + conditioner + body wash combo is apparently all you need, women: don’t you DARE mix up your face lotion with your body lotion, regular conditioner with leave-in conditioner, your hair product with shine for your hair product with hold, your base coat for your top coat….

“Problem Areas”

I realize that both sexes can, and do, struggle with their weight. For men, a little excess weight is often seen as a positive attribute (more cuddly/warm). However, it is a completely different story for women. I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t have a problem with at least one area of her body. I hold weight around my stomach, but no fat is ever deposited to my butt. A friend refuses to show the upper half of her thighs. Another friend refuses to wear anything sleeveless. An acquaintance wears pants throughout the Summer. And the messed up thing is that these are all such small issues that in all likelihood no one would ever notice, but we are so preoccupied with whatever perceived flaw that we would rather not go out than wear something we think draws attention to our “problem area.” I personally would rather walk around in an XXL Insane Clown Posse shirt, face painted in full juggalo jugalette mode, than let my stomach see the light of day.

Creepers

To be fair, anyone can be a creeper- boy or girl, gay or straight. But let’s be real; I know of way more horror stories that take place between guys and girls. To start out with, I don’t think a ton of guys even know how to let a girl know he’s interested in her. I’m not sure what reaction you’re going for when you whistle and dangle money out of your car window, but thanks for making me feel like a slut when I’m just carrying home dog food. On top of that, we now have books and tv shows telling men that the best way to pick up a woman is to just walk up to her and insult her. Ask her if she is wearing a wig! Tell her her hands are manly! It’s really not that hard, and I’m addressing ALL of you creepers….stop staring, don’t whistle, no pickup lines; walk up to them and introduce yourself.

The 5 Worst Things About Being a Man

Balding

I don’t care how old you are, when you go bald your life is over.  You better be Black, because if not then you have to go to the hat section at Target and decide what kind of a douche you want to be.  Or you can pretend to be really into sports and go the Baseball cap route, but either way you’re going to have to take off your hat for the national anthem. When you do get ready to drop down at least two pegs on the hot chart, and move from marriage material to godparent material.  And don’t even think about hair plugs because you might as well wear a shirt that says “I am a rapist.”

Urinals

There’s nothing that I find less awkward then whipping out my penis in public and aiming it at piece of porcelain while my piss splashes all over my dress pants with my boss standing next to me. Now let me just turn the other way while I try to convince my penis into going back into my underwear without it dribbling any urine on my shoes.  Oh great, now I can feel pee running down my leg.

Clothing Options

If you decide to be a man then you better hate bright colors, patterns that don’t involve stripes, accessories, neckline variety, prints, volume, and basically anything else that would make clothes fun or exciting to put on.  While stores have gotten better about fit in recent years (I remember the days when Target didn’t carry size small shirts, and it wasn’t until this year that they offered slim fit jeans), the selection is still abysmal.  Looking for an orange t-shirt?  Good luck with that.  What about a printed a-shirt? You better be prepared to fork over $22 at evil conglomerate Urban Outiftters.  But you noticed one for $10 in the Target women’s section?  Forget what you saw.

Working Out

I don’t care what girls say, for them looking good is easy.  If you’re a woman, all you have to do is eat nothing and go the gym every day to look bored while you run for 4 hours on the treadmill.  Guys, on the other hand, have to do at least 30 different exercises per work out, navigate a complex maze of nutrition, and somehow determine how many reps, sets, and days a week that they need to dedicate to working out their brachioradialis muscles.  If you do any of these things incorrectly, expect results never and pain immediatley.

Inconvenient Erections

Ever have one of those days when your penis randomly engorges with blood just in time for you to stand up and give a presenation on Cameroon in front of the whole French class?  You better untuck your shirt and pretend that you suddenly need to locate your keys, because those polyester-wool blend pants from H&M show everything.  Not working? Penis painfully caught on something?  Just kind of scamper up to the front of the class and hope that your downstairs neighbor settles into a less visible position before your fellow Francophiles think that West Africa turns you on.

The 5 Meanest Fictional Moms

Zinnia Wormwood (Matilda)

With her skyscraper heals, cheetah-print leggings, and complicated nail polish, Zinnia Wormwood has all the makings of a female rapper…and none of a mother. Despite her 9 months of pregnancy, she forgot that Matilda existed the minute she exited the womb, then continued to forget her existence for the next decade or so of her life.   When spending 0% of her energy on raising a daughter became too taxing, Zinnia booked it for Guam.

Chi Chi (Dragonball)

In Dragonball, Chi Chi’ is a sweet, bikini-clad little girl who is oddly obsessed with finding a man to put a ring on it.  In the sequel series, Dragonball Z, she marries Goku, sire’s Gohan, and goes crazy.  Like a proper mother, she loses all interest in her roided out husband, screams until she’s hoarse,  and focuses solely on inundating her son with math homework at the expense of planet earth.  Oh, and her name means breasts.

Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show)

Claire Huxtable earned her law degree solely so that she could yell “objection!” at her children’s pleas for sympathy, shutting them down with a crazy eye and a poignant hand gesture that communicates that she will kill you.  I know that her emotional abuse and shoulder pads are played for giggles, but don’t let that laugh track fool you, given the opportunity Mrs. Huxtable will stab any one of her children to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget: motherly love.

Mystique (X-men)

Mystique plays deadbeat mom to one child (Nightcrawler) and then adopts another mutant (Rogue) so that she can try out being the fun, abusive mom.  When Rogue ran away from home after putting her hillbilly boyfriend in a coma, Mystique was there to pick up the pieces by forcing her new daughter into a life of crime.  Backed by her zero knowledge of biology, genetics, or parenting, Mystique promises Rogue that she can fix her no-touching problem, but then dumps her daughter off on the X-Men when her strategy of doing no research doesn’t pay off.  To fill the hole in her heart, Mystique then shacks up with her pants-less, 80-year-old blind girlfriend Destiny, before sleeping with the entire Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

Beth Jarrett (Ordinary People)

After the family loses their oldest son in a boating accident, Beth Jarrett decides that everyone must move on by pretending that nothing ever happened.  She is disconnected from her remaining suicidal son to the point where every interaction comes across as an awkward first date, but one where you can just make out the sound of her brain imploding from all the crazy trapped inside.  To cope with it all she  golfs obsessively and redefines the word love to mean cold, bitter hatred.