Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 3

12. Jughead Jones: The most stylish character…maybe from anything?

11. Betty Cooper: She has Veronica’s face and body, but something’s missing….

10. Valerie (Josie and the Pussycats): “Josie and the Pussycats; Long tails, and we’d tap that!”

9. Alan M. (Josie and the Pussycats): That M stands for money, baby!

8. Nancy Woods: Total hottie.  We want to see more of her!

7. Coach Clayton: Oh, slay us with those cheekbones!

6. Cheryl Blossom: She’s hot, but scary!

5. Mr. Lodge: Old money is still sexy money, Daddy Warbucks!

4. Reggie Mantle: Diabolically handsome.

3. Veronica Lodge: Super mean, but undeniable gorg!

2. Melody (Josie and the Pussycats): By far the hottest Pussycat.  Josie who?

1. Midge Klump: So underrated.  She also has the best hair.  This hotness is wasted on Riverdale.

Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 2

24. Dilton Doiley: Normally we like a good nerd, but Dilton is a whiny little bitch.  Also, he’s 12.

23. Mr. Jones: He’s not good looking, but we give him major props for his style.

22. Mrs. Andrews: Meh.

21. Mrs. Lodge: The classy cancels out the age.

20. Mrs. Cooper: “Betty’s mom has got it going on…”

19. Moose Mason: D’uh, can you say roid rage?  We know he can’t spell it….

18. Sabrina Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): The tv version was way hotter.

17. Chuck Clayton: B-list character, B- looks.

16. Alexander & Alexandra Cabot (Josie and the Pussycats): Neither are very attractive, but they be stylin’.

15. Svenson: He’s totally cute, in a dusty mustache kind of way.

14. Harvey Kinkle (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Once again, we prefer the tv version, but he’s kind of cute.

13. Josie (Josie and the Pussycats): She’s rocking that bob!

Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 1

36. Miss Beazley: We’re pretty sure there’s fungus growing inside of her.  That’s why we don’t eat cafeteria food.

35. Hilda & Zelda Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Their extreme body weights, unnatural hair colors and fugly witch noses leave a lot to be desired.  Thank goodness Sabrina is half-mortal.

34. Ethel Muggs: The average human has 32 teeth.  Ethel has two.

33. Mr. Weatherbee: What it would look like if a spider died on top of Benjamin Franklin’s head.

32. Pop Tate: The 1970s called, and they want their body hair back.

31. Coach Kleats: Remember that “Buns of Steel” workout tape?  He ate it.

30. Mr. Andrews: He’s just a balding, overweight version of Archie, which isn’t saying much.

29. Archie Andrews: How does he get so much T&A with that mug?

28. Professor Flutesnoot: Prof. Flutesnoot’s nose is making some woman very happy.

27. Mrs. Jones: Ain’t no one jones-ing for that lady.

26. Miss Grundy: She’s not ugly….

25. Mr. Cooper: He’s just slightly fat and balding.

5 Worst Dog Breeds

5. Pitbull: Steroids are a part of the breeding process.

4.Cocker Spaniel: Grumpy old men now available in dog form.

3. Maltese: Oh look, it peed.

2.Westie: Did you ever want to own something with a short man’s complex?  *Hands you a Westie*

1. Bichon: Not smart +Not cute = Utterly worthless

Top Five Gayest Olympic Sports

Allow us some stereotypes here.

5. Women’s Weight Lifting: Lifting-her-own-weight gay.

4. Ice Dancing: Failed-marriage gay

3. Women’s Hockey: Group-hug gay.

2. Men’s Synchronized Diving: Spooning-in-the air gay.

1. Greco-Roman Wrestling: Up-the-butt gay.

Ten Celebrities Who Should Have Music Careers

  • Marykate and Ashley Olsen: Now that they’re adults and crazy looking, we need another album.

  • Natalie Portman: “When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day/ I cheated every test and snorted all the yay.”  WE NEED  MORE FROM THIS GENIUS

  • Jerry Trainor: Crazy Steve must sing (if only to drown out Miranda Cosgrove)!

  • Emma Watson: We’re thinking she’d sound like Imogen Heap. Or alternatively, she could just sing off of her HP laurels “She’s just a mudblood girl in a Wizard’s world”

  • Amanda Bynes: Can we distill all of her awkwardness and hilariousness into musical amazingness?  Amanda Please.

  • Christian Siriano: His first three singles would have to be: That’s Fierce, Hot Mess, Trannylicious.

  • Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski: Imagine if “Muffin Top” were an entire album!

  • Ellen Degeneres: We need singing to go with all that dancing.

  • Jake Epstein: Imagine if he recorded an LP from the mindset of his bipolar Degrassi character Craig! But if Craig were off the drugs!!  OMG just like in episode #511!!!!!

  • Wendy Williams: Because we all want to watch that trainwreck.  Plus, Rupaul could be her mentor.

  • Finally, we don’t know what this was, but this should happen too.

Ten Trends That Should Make a Comeback

  • Prohibition-era alcohol canes

  • Hammond Organs in pop music

  • Hypercolor clothing

  • Wearing suits to high school

  • 1920’s Mens Swimwear

  • Light Up Shoes (For Adults Please!)

  • Phone Antennae

  • Shaving with a Knife

  • Slap Bracelets

  • 16th Century Codpieces!

The Top Ten Cutest Pokemon

Through making this post, I learned that the level of Pokemon cuteness is directly proportionate to how simplified its design is.  Many of the monsters that make this list are little more than a collection of rounded shapes with a smile.  If you think I left out any Pokemon that deserve to be on this list, feel free to comment.

10. Phanpy, the bite-sized elephant Pokemon.

9. Teddiursa, basically a child’s toy.

8. Budew, because seeds are cute.

7. Piloswine, because no-eyes are cute.

6. Squirtle, the only adorable starter Pokemon.

5. Cleffa, really just Igglybuff with two chocolate chips stuck on its head.

4. Munchlax, the younger, sexier Snorlax.

3. Kecleon, TOO CUTE.

2. Vulpix, furries love this one.

1. Snorlax, although he’s a blatant ripoff of Totoro, still by and far the cutest Pokemon.


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