12. Jughead Jones: The most stylish character…maybe from anything?
11. Betty Cooper: She has Veronica’s face and body, but something’s missing….
10. Valerie (Josie and the Pussycats): “Josie and the Pussycats; Long tails, and we’d tap that!”
9. Alan M. (Josie and the Pussycats): That M stands for money, baby!
8. Nancy Woods: Total hottie. We want to see more of her!
7. Coach Clayton: Oh, slay us with those cheekbones!
6. Cheryl Blossom: She’s hot, but scary!
5. Mr. Lodge: Old money is still sexy money, Daddy Warbucks!
4. Reggie Mantle: Diabolically handsome.
3. Veronica Lodge: Super mean, but undeniable gorg!
2. Melody (Josie and the Pussycats): By far the hottest Pussycat. Josie who?
1. Midge Klump: So underrated. She also has the best hair. This hotness is wasted on Riverdale.
24. Dilton Doiley: Normally we like a good nerd, but Dilton is a whiny little bitch. Also, he’s 12.
23. Mr. Jones: He’s not good looking, but we give him major props for his style.
22. Mrs. Andrews: Meh.
21. Mrs. Lodge: The classy cancels out the age.
20. Mrs. Cooper: “Betty’s mom has got it going on…”
19. Moose Mason: D’uh, can you say roid rage? We know he can’t spell it….
18. Sabrina Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): The tv version was way hotter.
17. Chuck Clayton: B-list character, B- looks.
16. Alexander & Alexandra Cabot (Josie and the Pussycats): Neither are very attractive, but they be stylin’.
15. Svenson: He’s totally cute, in a dusty mustache kind of way.
14. Harvey Kinkle (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Once again, we prefer the tv version, but he’s kind of cute.
13. Josie (Josie and the Pussycats): She’s rocking that bob!
36. Miss Beazley: We’re pretty sure there’s fungus growing inside of her. That’s why we don’t eat cafeteria food.
35. Hilda & Zelda Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Their extreme body weights, unnatural hair colors and fugly witch noses leave a lot to be desired. Thank goodness Sabrina is half-mortal.
34. Ethel Muggs: The average human has 32 teeth. Ethel has two.
33. Mr. Weatherbee: What it would look like if a spider died on top of Benjamin Franklin’s head.
32. Pop Tate: The 1970s called, and they want their body hair back.
31. Coach Kleats: Remember that “Buns of Steel” workout tape? He ate it.
30. Mr. Andrews: He’s just a balding, overweight version of Archie, which isn’t saying much.
29. Archie Andrews: How does he get so much T&A with that mug?
28. Professor Flutesnoot: Prof. Flutesnoot’s nose is making some woman very happy.
27. Mrs. Jones: Ain’t no one jones-ing for that lady.
26. Miss Grundy: She’s not ugly….
25. Mr. Cooper: He’s just slightly fat and balding.
5. Pitbull: Steroids are a part of the breeding process.
4.Cocker Spaniel: Grumpy old men now available in dog form.
3. Maltese: Oh look, it peed.
2.Westie: Did you ever want to own something with a short man’s complex? *Hands you a Westie*
1. Bichon: Not smart +Not cute = Utterly worthless
Allow us some stereotypes here.
5. Women’s Weight Lifting: Lifting-her-own-weight gay.
4. Ice Dancing: Failed-marriage gay
3. Women’s Hockey: Group-hug gay.
2. Men’s Synchronized Diving: Spooning-in-the air gay.
1. Greco-Roman Wrestling: Up-the-butt gay.
- Marykate and Ashley Olsen: Now that they’re adults and crazy looking, we need another album.
- Natalie Portman: “When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day/ I cheated every test and snorted all the yay.” WE NEED MORE FROM THIS GENIUS
- Jerry Trainor: Crazy Steve must sing (if only to drown out Miranda Cosgrove)!
- Emma Watson: We’re thinking she’d sound like Imogen Heap. Or alternatively, she could just sing off of her HP laurels “She’s just a mudblood girl in a Wizard’s world”
- Amanda Bynes: Can we distill all of her awkwardness and hilariousness into musical amazingness? Amanda Please.
- Christian Siriano: His first three singles would have to be: That’s Fierce, Hot Mess, Trannylicious.
- Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski: Imagine if “Muffin Top” were an entire album!
- Ellen Degeneres: We need singing to go with all that dancing.
- Jake Epstein: Imagine if he recorded an LP from the mindset of his bipolar Degrassi character Craig! But if Craig were off the drugs!! OMG just like in episode #511!!!!!
- Wendy Williams: Because we all want to watch that trainwreck. Plus, Rupaul could be her mentor.
- Finally, we don’t know what this was, but this should happen too.
- Prohibition-era alcohol canes
- Hammond Organs in pop music
- Hypercolor clothing
- Wearing suits to high school
- 1920’s Mens Swimwear
- Light Up Shoes (For Adults Please!)
- Phone Antennae
- Shaving with a Knife
- Slap Bracelets
- 16th Century Codpieces!