Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 3

12. Jughead Jones: The most stylish character…maybe from anything?

11. Betty Cooper: She has Veronica’s face and body, but something’s missing….

10. Valerie (Josie and the Pussycats): “Josie and the Pussycats; Long tails, and we’d tap that!”

9. Alan M. (Josie and the Pussycats): That M stands for money, baby!

8. Nancy Woods: Total hottie.  We want to see more of her!

7. Coach Clayton: Oh, slay us with those cheekbones!

6. Cheryl Blossom: She’s hot, but scary!

5. Mr. Lodge: Old money is still sexy money, Daddy Warbucks!

4. Reggie Mantle: Diabolically handsome.

3. Veronica Lodge: Super mean, but undeniable gorg!

2. Melody (Josie and the Pussycats): By far the hottest Pussycat.  Josie who?

1. Midge Klump: So underrated.  She also has the best hair.  This hotness is wasted on Riverdale.

Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 2

24. Dilton Doiley: Normally we like a good nerd, but Dilton is a whiny little bitch.  Also, he’s 12.

23. Mr. Jones: He’s not good looking, but we give him major props for his style.

22. Mrs. Andrews: Meh.

21. Mrs. Lodge: The classy cancels out the age.

20. Mrs. Cooper: “Betty’s mom has got it going on…”

19. Moose Mason: D’uh, can you say roid rage?  We know he can’t spell it….

18. Sabrina Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): The tv version was way hotter.

17. Chuck Clayton: B-list character, B- looks.

16. Alexander & Alexandra Cabot (Josie and the Pussycats): Neither are very attractive, but they be stylin’.

15. Svenson: He’s totally cute, in a dusty mustache kind of way.

14. Harvey Kinkle (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Once again, we prefer the tv version, but he’s kind of cute.

13. Josie (Josie and the Pussycats): She’s rocking that bob!

Ugly to Hot: Riverdale Edition, Part 1

36. Miss Beazley: We’re pretty sure there’s fungus growing inside of her.  That’s why we don’t eat cafeteria food.

35. Hilda & Zelda Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Their extreme body weights, unnatural hair colors and fugly witch noses leave a lot to be desired.  Thank goodness Sabrina is half-mortal.

34. Ethel Muggs: The average human has 32 teeth.  Ethel has two.

33. Mr. Weatherbee: What it would look like if a spider died on top of Benjamin Franklin’s head.

32. Pop Tate: The 1970s called, and they want their body hair back.

31. Coach Kleats: Remember that “Buns of Steel” workout tape?  He ate it.

30. Mr. Andrews: He’s just a balding, overweight version of Archie, which isn’t saying much.

29. Archie Andrews: How does he get so much T&A with that mug?

28. Professor Flutesnoot: Prof. Flutesnoot’s nose is making some woman very happy.

27. Mrs. Jones: Ain’t no one jones-ing for that lady.

26. Miss Grundy: She’s not ugly….

25. Mr. Cooper: He’s just slightly fat and balding.

5 Worst Dog Breeds

5. Pitbull: Steroids are a part of the breeding process.

4.Cocker Spaniel: Grumpy old men now available in dog form.

3. Maltese: Oh look, it peed.

2.Westie: Did you ever want to own something with a short man’s complex?  *Hands you a Westie*

1. Bichon: Not smart +Not cute = Utterly worthless

Top Five Gayest Olympic Sports

Allow us some stereotypes here.

5. Women’s Weight Lifting: Lifting-her-own-weight gay.

4. Ice Dancing: Failed-marriage gay

3. Women’s Hockey: Group-hug gay.

2. Men’s Synchronized Diving: Spooning-in-the air gay.

1. Greco-Roman Wrestling: Up-the-butt gay.

Ten Celebrities Who Should Have Music Careers

  • Marykate and Ashley Olsen: Now that they’re adults and crazy looking, we need another album.

  • Natalie Portman: “When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day/ I cheated every test and snorted all the yay.”  WE NEED  MORE FROM THIS GENIUS

  • Jerry Trainor: Crazy Steve must sing (if only to drown out Miranda Cosgrove)!

  • Emma Watson: We’re thinking she’d sound like Imogen Heap. Or alternatively, she could just sing off of her HP laurels “She’s just a mudblood girl in a Wizard’s world”

  • Amanda Bynes: Can we distill all of her awkwardness and hilariousness into musical amazingness?  Amanda Please.

  • Christian Siriano: His first three singles would have to be: That’s Fierce, Hot Mess, Trannylicious.

  • Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski: Imagine if “Muffin Top” were an entire album!

  • Ellen Degeneres: We need singing to go with all that dancing.

  • Jake Epstein: Imagine if he recorded an LP from the mindset of his bipolar Degrassi character Craig! But if Craig were off the drugs!!  OMG just like in episode #511!!!!!

  • Wendy Williams: Because we all want to watch that trainwreck.  Plus, Rupaul could be her mentor.

  • Finally, we don’t know what this was, but this should happen too.

Ten Trends That Should Make a Comeback

  • Prohibition-era alcohol canes

  • Hammond Organs in pop music

  • Hypercolor clothing

  • Wearing suits to high school

  • 1920’s Mens Swimwear

  • Light Up Shoes (For Adults Please!)

  • Phone Antennae

  • Shaving with a Knife

  • Slap Bracelets

  • 16th Century Codpieces!