5. Pointy toed shoes: I get it, fashion industry, they “lengthen” your legs. But they also lengthen your feet, pinch your toes, and look ugly. Plus you have to be careful when walking not to impale anyone else with those 7 inch toes.
4. Leggings as pants: There’s a reason you find leggings next to the tights/ socks section. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE WORN ALONE. They also give you ugly ass. (My apologies to Jennifer Love Hewitt, but you did this to yourself, girl)
3. Tube tops: If you’re wondering if people still wear these anymore, the answer is sadly yes. In addition to introducing complex bra issues, tube tops cling to your stomach, smoosh your breasts, leaving a weird boob line, and require you to hoist it up all day long. Not a good look, ladies.
2. Harem pants: Let’s be honest- harem pants were created by a man. A man who wanted women to look as thigh and butt-heavy as possible, while also shortening their leg line. That being said, the true blame lies with the women dumb enough to wear them. You look like a stupid editorial version of a genie.
1. Fur: Fur is not only extremely cruel, it is also extremely ugly. You are aware that you are wearing a multitude of beings that were, at one point, living? Living, in fact, as they were skinned so they could produce this lovely non-essential, strictly fashion statement you are so elegantly wearing in Target.
5. Khakis: Specifically designed to make even those with the flattest butts look like they pooped their pants, Khakis define business-casual. Where suits can be too dressy/sexy for the workplace, and jeans too informal/well-fitting, Khakis offer a dust-colored middle ground guaranteed to obscure the human form, and ward off any troublesome office romances.
4. Thick Polos: As if working at Best Buy or Petsmart weren’t demeaning enough, employers use these scratchy, form-hiding shirts to further punish their staff. When everyone looks like they are wearing what is essentially a potato sack with a collar there’s not chance of misbehavior or self esteem.
3. White Briefs: I don’t care how fit you are, the elastic waistband will make you stomach look fat, the seat will make your ass look saggy, and the crotch will make your package look like you are still awaiting puberty. Don’t even think about going to the bathroom with these bad boys on follow up duty.
2.Chunky Dress Shoes: The stocky dress shoe’s idea of formal wear is clearly based off the 8th grade dinner dance. Each shoe weighs 10 pounds, includes a back loop to make you feel even more like a 5-year-old, and sports a boot-like shape in case you were planning on working in the yard after you bite your girlfriend’s tongue during your first ever “french kiss.”
1. Distressed Jeans: When flashy tops just aren’t enough, there’s ripped up, chewed, peed on denim. Unless you are hoping that your junk casually breaks out of your jeans, why would you pay more for something that is little more than a stitched together collection of fabric samples?
5. Avalanche: While an avalanche isn’t technically a weapon, it does kill people. I would start the avalanche by yelling something totally witty and original, such as “I’ll see you in hell!” or “Yippe-ki-yay, mother f*%@er!” Obviously as the avalanche started, I would walk away in slow motion. As an added bonus, I don’t think you could be charged with starting a natural disaster.
4. Piano Wire: I’m not sure if I’m actually strong enough to kill a person with a wire, but, hey, this is pretend, right? Assuming I have enough upper body strength to properly strangle someone, and while we’re at it, let’s say all my strength is in my upper half. Picture me with a Buzz Lightyear body. But about the asphyxiation thing: little mess, Mafia approved, and hard to pin on someone. Plus, wouldn’t it give you a real sense of accomplishment?
3. Falling Piano: Another piano death. Once again, hard to charge someone with murder if a piano accidentally fell when the rope accidentally broke while hoisting it into an apartment on a high floor. You’d have to have some great timing, but that is a chance that I, and Wile E. Coyote, are willing to take.
2. Lightsaber: Murder by lightsaber is a good idea for many reasons: no fingerprints; the lightsaber would cauterize the wound, so little mess; and you get to be in the future to use it, or maybe in the past, in a galaxy far, far away. The lightsaber death would occur only after a long and amazing battle testing both physical and mental prowess, ending only when death is absolutely necessary. So there would also be a feeling of vindication.
1. Umbrella: The KGB had some great ideas about murder. My personal favorite happens to be when a KGB agent jabbed a man in the leg with what appeared to be an umbrella, but was essentially a gun which shot him with a poison pellet, killing him in 3 days. Obviously, I would use a much more instantaneous poison, although I’ll keep the coating on the pellet that melts only at body temperature.
Let’s be real, we’ve all daydreamt about committing acts of violence. Whether it involved shutting up that annoying lady at work, or just getting our comeuppance, our minds have gone there. Below are the top five weapons I would use to cause someone bodily harm.
5. Helicopter: Maybe I played too much Sonic the Hedgehog as a child, but I like the idea of killing someone by landing on top of them. The shadow cast by the chopper and its obnoxious noisiness would only add to the sense of impending doom.
4. Handcuffs: Death by shackling is great because you can put part of the blame on someone else. It wasn’t my fault, it was their own body’s for starving itself to death while they were locked to the radiator!
3. German Shepherd: Looking down on my victim from a hilltop, I would turn to my German Shepherd named Luxury and whisper “Luxury, kill,” and what was once a majestic creature with a silky coat would transform into a cold-hearted murderer. As the pièce de résistance, she’d pee on the body.
2. My Own Fist: In high school I learned that Vikings could kill a man with one punch. While I’ve only seen this happen in Streets of Rage, this seems like the perfect no-nonsense way of doing away with someone. No, they’re not getting up.
1. Prosthetic Leg: I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t go to prison because everyone would be laughing to hard at the victim who was beaten to death with a loafer attached to a piece of tapered plastic.
10. Donphan: Brought to you by Goodyear tires!
9. Corsola: That face doesn’t fool us, this is just a piece of coral!
6. Forretress: Possibly just an explosive of some sort.
5. Pupitar: That is one angry looking piece of hardened dog poop.
4. Bellsprout: Giant eyes = cute. Tiny eyes = Frightening.
3. Snubbull: Because everyone loves clowns and pissed-off bulldogs.
2. Weepinbell: Catch one and you won’t need to buy a Fleshlight!
1. Shelgon: The paperweight of Pokemons.
- Timmy Turner’s Dad: Fairly Odd Parents is a pretty gay cartoon in general, but Mr. Turner is the only character to win a beauty pageant with a drag routine.
- Uncle Arthur of Bewitched: Everyone needs a gay uncle, and Samantha’s is the gayest. Tossed salad, anyone?
- Rabbit: Typically, bunnies spend their days fucking each other like crazy. Rabbit occupies his time cleaning his house, adopting baby birds and shagging Tigger on the sly.
- Velma: Her sexuality is no mystery. She never made a pass at Freddy, wears sensible shoes, and dons thick glasses to ward off men.
- Gargamel: Lives alone with his cat, wears a dress, and created Smurfette, because he realized early on that women are the downfall of men.
- She-Ra: Forget He-Man, this hero of Grayskull bathes in rainbow light and battles alongside women in bathing suits while wielding phallic objects.
- Ken: We’ve never seen him act sexually towards a Barbie. If he really was into her, he would have put a ring on it by now.
- Lassie: He was very well groomed, and could never seem to keep his paws off of Timmy. Plus, he loved it doggie style.
- Dr. Frasier Crane and Dr. Lilith Sternin: The couple had to pretend they were straight to get into Cheers, but no one was fooled. Lilith for all purposes was a man, and Frasier is the gayest thing since rainbows.
- Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber: Larry is a phallus and Bob is a testicle and they’re in love. Take that Christian values!
5. The Core: Amidst the hundreds of explosions and the sexy Hilary Swank and Aaron Eckhart, it’s easy to forget what this film had to teach us: America is not afraid to put it’s military prowess in front of the environment, and that every problem can be solved with nuclear bombs.
4. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Like many remakes, “Charlie” failed because it failed to grasp what was so endearing about the original. In “Willy Wonka,” everything was hands on, from the gobstoppers to the lickable wallpaper. Tim Burton’s clothed his Wonka in plastic gloves, and set him to work in a factory that was more chem lab than theme park. If I’d received a golden ticket, I would have thrown it away.
3. Soul Survivors: This horror movie is nothing more than a string of moments meant to make audiences jump, punctuated by gallons of fake blood and echo-y whispers. If I remember correctly, the story takes place within a comatose mind that often has real-as-life dreams that themselves feature hallucinations. Yeah, I’m confused too.
2. Bratz The Movie: If only this movie had been truer to the spirit of the ghetto-ass dolls that inspired it. Despite it’s 14 montages, the film still manages to drop the word “rattitude” and includes an obligatory spoiled-bitch-falls-into-a-swimming-pool scene. None of the funny parts are funny, but everyone in the theater (all 6 of us) still found plenty to laugh at.
1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: I really didn’t think anything could trump Bratz, but then Marvel gave us this shitstorm. As if the casual rewrite of the X-men’s origin and the ignorance of Canadian history weren’t enough, the entire movie looked like it was made on $10 in a public access studio. I mean, the green screen was practically showing.