The Worst Films Miles Has Ever Seen in Theaters

5. The Core: Amidst the hundreds of explosions and the sexy Hilary Swank and Aaron Eckhart, it’s easy to forget what this film had to teach us: America is not afraid to put it’s military prowess in front of the environment, and that every problem can be solved with nuclear bombs.

4. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Like many remakes, “Charlie” failed because it failed to grasp what was so endearing about the original.  In “Willy Wonka,” everything was hands on, from the gobstoppers to the lickable wallpaper.  Tim Burton’s clothed his Wonka in plastic gloves, and set him to work in a factory that was more chem lab than theme park.  If I’d received a golden ticket, I would have thrown it away.

3. Soul Survivors: This horror movie is nothing more than a string of moments meant to make audiences jump, punctuated by gallons of fake blood and echo-y whispers.  If I remember correctly, the story takes place within a comatose mind that often has real-as-life dreams that themselves feature hallucinations.  Yeah, I’m confused too.

2. Bratz The Movie: If only this movie had been truer to the spirit of the ghetto-ass dolls that inspired it.  Despite it’s 14 montages, the film still manages to drop the word “rattitude” and includes an obligatory spoiled-bitch-falls-into-a-swimming-pool scene.  None of the funny parts are funny, but everyone in the theater (all 6 of us) still found plenty to laugh at.

1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: I really didn’t think anything could trump Bratz, but then Marvel gave us this shitstorm.  As if the casual rewrite of the X-men’s origin and the ignorance of Canadian history weren’t enough, the entire movie looked like it was made on $10 in a public access studio.  I mean, the green screen was practically showing.


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