Jamie’s 5 Weapons of Choice

5.  Avalanche: While an avalanche isn’t technically a weapon, it does kill people.  I would start the avalanche by yelling something totally witty and original, such as “I’ll see you in hell!” or “Yippe-ki-yay, mother f*%@er!”  Obviously as the avalanche started, I would walk away in slow motion.  As an added bonus, I don’t think you could be charged with starting a natural disaster.

4.  Piano Wire: I’m not sure if I’m actually strong enough to kill a person with a wire, but, hey, this is pretend, right? Assuming I have enough upper body strength to properly strangle someone, and while we’re at it, let’s say all my strength is in my upper half.  Picture me with a Buzz Lightyear body.  But about the asphyxiation thing: little mess, Mafia approved, and hard to pin on someone.  Plus, wouldn’t it give you a real sense of accomplishment?

3.  Falling Piano: Another piano death.  Once again, hard to charge someone with murder if a piano accidentally fell when the rope accidentally broke while hoisting it into an apartment on a high floor.  You’d have to have some great timing, but that is a chance that I, and Wile E. Coyote, are willing to take.

2.  Lightsaber: Murder by lightsaber is a good idea for many reasons: no fingerprints; the lightsaber would cauterize the wound, so little mess;  and you get to be in the future to use it, or maybe in the past, in a galaxy far, far away.  The lightsaber death would occur only after a long and amazing battle testing both physical and mental prowess, ending only when death is absolutely necessary.  So there would also be a feeling of vindication.

1.  Umbrella: The KGB had some great ideas about murder.  My personal favorite happens to be when a KGB agent jabbed a man in the leg with what appeared to be an umbrella, but was essentially a gun which shot him with a poison pellet, killing him in 3 days.  Obviously, I would use a much more instantaneous poison, although I’ll keep the coating on the pellet that melts only at body temperature.


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