The Hottest First Ladies of the United States

5. Frances Cleveland: She beat out her mother for Grover Cleveland’s hand in marriage, then plastered her sexy face on her husband’s campaign paraphernalia so she could be crowned the youngest first lady ever.  Everything about that is hott.

4. Jackie Kennedy: Muse to Warhol, fashion icon and francophone, Jackie’s beauty was enough to earn JFK the label of “the other Kennedy.”

3. Rose Carter: Hot like a college drop out, Rose perfected her tan as a peanut farmer in the sweltering Georgia sun.  I would like to point out that she is 50 in this picture.

2. Elizabeth Monroe: Though prone to illness, Elizabeth was called handsome by White House guests, and nicknamed la belle americaine by the French.  Ooh la la.

1. Michelle Obama: Michelle sets a new standard for first lady beauty. She is hot like a Chicago summer, elegant like the White House, and most likely will never be dethroned from her role as the hottest Mrs. President.

5 High Schools That Won’t Get You Into College

Degrassi High: “Whatever it takes, I know I will make it through,” declares their school song.  Well at Degrassi, it’s going to take a lot.  If you manage to avoid getting pregnant, getting shot, getting knifed, or going into a coma, then you still have to be careful not to get hooked on meth, develop an eating disorder, or experience anal leakage.  Homework?  Who has time for that?  I have to go to this party where I’ll probably get raped.

Westbridge High (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Don’t be fooled, Sabrina’s magical hi-jinks aren’t a distraction from school.  Instead, they are essential to a high school that believes only one teacher is needed to educate the entire student body.  Pad the day out with guest stars, and it’s almost like the students are learning.

Hogwarts: Despite my above remarks, Sabrina was probably better off with a Westbridge education.  Sure, she would have improved her magic at Hogwarts, but she also would have left school with the math and English skills of an 11-year-old.  The importance of computers and grammar is realized after graduation, when  wizards and witches and learn that there’s not a lot of money to be made in dragon breeding.

East High (High School Musical): For whatever reason, no one saw a problem with an average class length of 3 minutes, but an annual theater budget of $30,000.  The hallways constantly have to be evacuated so students can express themselves, and don’t even think about eating in the cafeteria without a few voice lessons under your belt.  Somehow, I don’t think the song and dance version of basketball that Troy learned at East High will get him very far in the college league.

Xavier’s Institute for Gifted Youngsters: This “prestigious school” boast no certified teachers and no academic standards.  Students “graduate” after less than a year of classes, when they are awarded a colorful spandex costume rather than a diploma.  Expect the school to be constantly under attack, your headmaster to secretly be a carnivorous alien monster, and your classmates to all be in tremendous shape.  No fatties allowed, and no auditors either.

Top Ten Sports Divas

We at Readmylist have asked a few of our brightest, sexiest friends to create lists for us.  We’re calling them guest lists and Susanna has given us our first one!

In the sports world, the men are men…well most of them are. Some of them are petulant sixteen-year-old girls trapped in men’s bodies. In addition to winning championships, the following athletes-turned-drama queens should also be up for Oscars. Here are my top ten sports divas:

10. Alexander Ovechkin: Hockey players may not seem like the diva type, but Ovie isn’t your average blueliner. Between his feud with Sidney Crosby over who is the best player in the NHL (it’s Crosby, by the way), his excessive celebrations, and his sore loser attitude, Ovechkin can run with the best of the drama queens.

9. Tim Tebow: This guy is supposedly renowned for his toughness…until he loses a game. Former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow was seen bawling on national TV not once, but twice. The first time, Ole Miss narrowly upset the Gators, shattering Florida’s hopes of going undefeated. Tebow got all teary-eyed in the post-game press conference, vowing not to lose another game. The following year, the Gators played Alabama for the SEC championship and got crushed. I may never forget sitting in a bar in South Carolina with a crowd of cheering Gator haters as we watched Tebow cry not only on the field, but all the way to the locker room and in the press conference. Come on, Tim. There’s no tears in football.

8. Urban Meyer: Another Gator, another diva. Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer was apparently so upset by Alabama’s defeat of the Gators that he developed a career-ending heart problem. His retirement lasted for less than 24 hours. The next day, he basically said ‘JK guys! See you in the fall!’ Expect to hear more about Coach Meyer’s mysterious heart condition following the coming season, as many have predicted a 2-3 loss season for the Gators.

7. Tiger Wood: Did anyone besides David Duchovny even think sex addiction was a real thing before Tiger’s wife beat him upside the head with a 9-iron? Woods, former golden boy of golf, has shown his dark side and the media LOVES it. Seriously, the guy finished +13 last at the Bridgestone Invitational and the press still wouldn’t leave him alone. Sure, they loved him back when he was the do-no-wrong greatest player in the history of golf, but now that he’s a sex junkie, he has a constant entourage of paparazzi. He may not ask for the attention, but his inability to keep it in his pants has secured his place as a sports diva for many years to come.

6. Chad Ochocinco: You gotta love Chad because you’re never really sure if he just wants attention or he’s legitimately insane. The last name Johnson wasn’t cool enough for him, so he had to change it to the Spanish version of his jersey number. Rumor has it, he’s considering another name change, this time to the Japanese version of 85. Luckily, Chad’s drama is fairly harmless, except to his own bank account. He had to give Reebok several million dollars for all the jerseys and merchandise they had to alter as a result of his name change. And who could forget the time he tried to give the ref a $1 ‘bribe’ on field after failing to make a catch inbounds? That one only cost him $20,000. Anything for comedy, right?

5. Alex Rodriguez: An oldie but a goodie. A-Rod is used to being in the limelight for a variety of reasons, the least of which being his talent. His choice in girlfriends alone could get him on this list. First came Madonna, then Kate Hudson. I think the most recent one is Cameron Diaz. Add to that the scandal that followed after it was revealed that he tested positive for steroids in 2003, and you’ve got a recipe for drama. He must have been very upset when he hit his 600th career home run and no one gave a damn.

4. Lebron James: In the NBA, Lebron is known as “The King”, but blaming your team for your inability to perform in the playoffs definitely earns you the label of “queen”. I know, I know, he never said he blamed them. But actions speak louder than words, and to me, leaving the Cavs to play for the Heat because he feels like he’ll win more championships there just screams “It’s your fault I suck in the playoffs, Cavs!” Oh, let’s not forget, in his best Brett Favre imitation, he withheld his decision about where he would go for several months and announced it in a primetime press conference. It’s all about you, Lebron. Just don’t get caught dead in the state of Ohio.

3. Manny Ramirez: One day, during his prolific career with the Boston Red Sox, Manny Ramirez woke up and decided he wasn’t being paid enough. He proceeded to fake an injury, or so the story goes, and was ultimately traded to the Dodgers. Now in Los Angeles, where his star shines quite brightly (they’ve even dubbed a section of Dodgers Stadium ‘Mannywood’), Ramirez is still convinced he’s not receiving the best available offer and remains a free agent.  He’s a great player, and the fans love him, but not nearly as much as he loves himself.

2. Terrell Owens: T.O. is the face of drama in the NFL. He always finds a way to get in front of the cameras, whether by taking a fan’s popcorn and dumping it in his face after a big play, or continuing to insist that he was unfairly cut by the Cowboys. He’s even been caught crying in a post-loss press conference, sobbing, “That’s my team, man. That’s my team.”  For T.O., drama’s all a part of the business, and as he’s still capturing headlines at age 36 (approximately 65 in football years), business is good.

1. Brett Favre: I feel like I don’t even need to say anything. I mean, this is the guy who sends his teammates ambiguous texts about retiring, then denies telling anyone anything about retirement just to get the story back on the air. ‘Favre Watch’ has become a preseason tradition in the NFL, and until he makes a decision, all eyes are on him…which is just the way he likes it. Brett, you are the uncontested Queen of the Sports Divas.

10 Best Fake Bands

1.  “The Beets” from Doug: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?  Who needs to pick when you have the Beets?  Taking the best sounds and looks from both groups, the Beets are essentially a British invasion band, only, you know, thirty years late.

2.  “Venus in Furs” from Velvet Goldmine: What do you get when you take members from Radiohead, Sonic Youth, and the Stooges, dress them in spangled baroque clothing, and give them Jonathan Rhys Meyers as their front man?  Why, Venus in Furs, obviously.

3.  “Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem” from The Muppet Show: Let’s be real- we love anything Muppet, and as such, this band probably would have made the list even if it was horrible.  That being said, this band is far from it.  Although Animal was the only member of this band to reach success as a solo artist, we feel that each musician stands on their own as a testament to the prodigal powers of Muppet magnificence.

4.  “The Wonders” from That Thing You Do: Straight up bubble gum pop, which we love.  Surprisingly enough, this song was written by the bassist for the band “Fountains of Wayne” (you know, the genius group behind “Stacy’s Mom”) and went on to become an actual hit, peaking at #41 on the Billboard charts.

5.  “Josie and the Pussycats” from Josie and the Pussycats: Sometimes you just have to put on your cat ears and jam with your closest interracial friends.  Formed with the end goal to bed and wed Riverdale’s beloved Alan M., this band has become so much more than the first furry band in comic history.  The Supremes who?

6.  “Soggy Bottom Boys” from O Brother, Where Art Thou?: We love the old-school bluegrass style of this group, as well as the straightforward vocals in this song.  The only thing that could have made this group any better was if George Clooney himself sang the vocals.  Apparently we are not alone in this thinking, as the musicians behind this group won both a CMA Award and a Grammy.

7.  “Open 24 Hours” from Square Pegs: A hipster band so far ahead of their time, this group makes us totally tired from loving it.  Totally.

8.  “Stillwater” from Almost Famous: Music so era-appropriate and well crafted, it makes us want to stop bathing, grow out our hair, and follow this non-existant band across the country.  If a girl overdoses on quaaludes along the way, so be it.  It was all for the music, man.

9.  “Jem and the Holograms” from Jem: Although their music was written only to sell action figures, we are compelled by the songs’ themes of an orphaned executive’s daughter hell-bent on challenging the record industry with makeup and magic.  Plus, I’m not sure if you were aware, but Jem is truly outrageous.  Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

10.  “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch: That hair.  That wardrobe.  That music.  Where the penis used to be, and the vagina never was, comes a sound so gender-bending, so anatomy-warping, that we’re no longer sure what we’ve got going on down there.  And not in a bad way; in fact, it’s rather refreshing.