5 High Schools That Won’t Get You Into CollegePosted: August 26, 2010
Degrassi High: “Whatever it takes, I know I will make it through,” declares their school song. Well at Degrassi, it’s going to take a lot. If you manage to avoid getting pregnant, getting shot, getting knifed, or going into a coma, then you still have to be careful not to get hooked on meth, develop an eating disorder, or experience anal leakage. Homework? Who has time for that? I have to go to this party where I’ll probably get raped.
Westbridge High (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Don’t be fooled, Sabrina’s magical hi-jinks aren’t a distraction from school. Instead, they are essential to a high school that believes only one teacher is needed to educate the entire student body. Pad the day out with guest stars, and it’s almost like the students are learning.
Hogwarts: Despite my above remarks, Sabrina was probably better off with a Westbridge education. Sure, she would have improved her magic at Hogwarts, but she also would have left school with the math and English skills of an 11-year-old. The importance of computers and grammar is realized after graduation, when wizards and witches and learn that there’s not a lot of money to be made in dragon breeding.
East High (High School Musical): For whatever reason, no one saw a problem with an average class length of 3 minutes, but an annual theater budget of $30,000. The hallways constantly have to be evacuated so students can express themselves, and don’t even think about eating in the cafeteria without a few voice lessons under your belt. Somehow, I don’t think the song and dance version of basketball that Troy learned at East High will get him very far in the college league.
Xavier’s Institute for Gifted Youngsters: This “prestigious school” boast no certified teachers and no academic standards. Students “graduate” after less than a year of classes, when they are awarded a colorful spandex costume rather than a diploma. Expect the school to be constantly under attack, your headmaster to secretly be a carnivorous alien monster, and your classmates to all be in tremendous shape. No fatties allowed, and no auditors either.