10. Ducks: The swan’s hillbilly cousin, ducks are nothing more than quacking, crapping machines. Sure, it only cost $10, but that money could have gone towards a delicious dinner at the Olive Garden!
9. Tamagotchi: Ignore your real pet with this snazzily colored blob of pixels. Bored already? Just chuck its carcass into you nearest landfill!
8. Pack of dogs: If you’re going to own more than two dogs, then all of them better be of the same breed and named under the same theme. If you do this, sweep every half hour, and house-train in utero, then maybe guests won’t confuse your lovely home with a kennel.
7. Painted Hermit Crabs: Nothing says tacky like an Elmur Fudd, Spongebob, or Pikachu themed crustacean scuttling around your entryway.
6. Crocodiles: If you failed to flush your croc before it grew too big to be passed off as an impulse buy, then look forward to explaining to friends why their kids can’t come over to swim in the Little Mermaid kiddie pool anymore.
5. Seamonkeys: Fish too fancy? Glass aquariums too high-brow? Don’t worry, to have your very own aquatic pet all you need is a bag of magic powder and an empty Tupperware container. Just add water and you have a real live swarm of brine shrimp!
4. Children on leashes: Not a pet per-say, but you are feeding it, washing it, and walking it on a leash. While you’re at it, I’ll point out that dog beds are cheaper than cribs, and litter boxes are greener than diapers. Just putting that out there.
3. Scorpions: You know what would go well with you blond soul patch and newly discovered body odor? A scorpion!
2. Ferrets: When they get excited, they will either secrete a powerful stench from their anal glands, or do something called the weasel war dance, which involves knocking over your new glassware and all of your heirlooms. The choice is yours.
1. Monkeys: Nothing is more precious than a small screeching mutant in a baby doll dress climbing up your back. Nothing.
5. Pretty Pretty Princess: 4-year-old girls learn social hierarchy by fighting over tacky elegant accessories. Clearly, the difference between royalty and street trash depends on the amount of ugly plastic jewelry you’re wearing. Girls who play this game certainly won’t end up as outcast losers who wear too many beads and spend three decades waiting for their prince to come.
4. Napoleon in Europe: History, guys! Assume the identity of Prussia, the Ottoman Empire, and other countries of old as you struggle to halt France’s siege of the continent. Was it a mistake to build so many naval vessels? Is my alliance with Russia just a ruse to get me to marshal forces away from my Eastern border? Cool kids would never ask these questions.
3. Scrabble: There’s nothing like spending your Friday nights arguing over the English language with a few friends. Is lexicographical a word? You’d never learn the answer at a bar. I mean, why go to a party when you could spell the word party for 10 points??
2. The Mansion of Happiness: This early American board game offers an alternative to going outside, which involves too much opportunity for sinning anyway. Avoid the immodesty, cruelty, and fun spaces to secure your place in the Mansion of Happiness and in a loveless puritan marriage. Praise the lord!
1. Star Trek the Next Generation: A Klingon Challenge: I kind of want to play a board game, but I also kind of want to watch Star Trek the Next Generation. Now I can do both! Navigate the board with paper dolls of beloved Enterprise background characters while Kavok the Klingon yells at you from your own TV screen. I was going to go outside today, but I don’t want to invoke Kavok’s wrath!