The 5 Meanest Fictional Moms

Zinnia Wormwood (Matilda)

With her skyscraper heals, cheetah-print leggings, and complicated nail polish, Zinnia Wormwood has all the makings of a female rapper…and none of a mother. Despite her 9 months of pregnancy, she forgot that Matilda existed the minute she exited the womb, then continued to forget her existence for the next decade or so of her life.   When spending 0% of her energy on raising a daughter became too taxing, Zinnia booked it for Guam.

Chi Chi (Dragonball)

In Dragonball, Chi Chi’ is a sweet, bikini-clad little girl who is oddly obsessed with finding a man to put a ring on it.  In the sequel series, Dragonball Z, she marries Goku, sire’s Gohan, and goes crazy.  Like a proper mother, she loses all interest in her roided out husband, screams until she’s hoarse,  and focuses solely on inundating her son with math homework at the expense of planet earth.  Oh, and her name means breasts.

Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show)

Claire Huxtable earned her law degree solely so that she could yell “objection!” at her children’s pleas for sympathy, shutting them down with a crazy eye and a poignant hand gesture that communicates that she will kill you.  I know that her emotional abuse and shoulder pads are played for giggles, but don’t let that laugh track fool you, given the opportunity Mrs. Huxtable will stab any one of her children to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget: motherly love.

Mystique (X-men)

Mystique plays deadbeat mom to one child (Nightcrawler) and then adopts another mutant (Rogue) so that she can try out being the fun, abusive mom.  When Rogue ran away from home after putting her hillbilly boyfriend in a coma, Mystique was there to pick up the pieces by forcing her new daughter into a life of crime.  Backed by her zero knowledge of biology, genetics, or parenting, Mystique promises Rogue that she can fix her no-touching problem, but then dumps her daughter off on the X-Men when her strategy of doing no research doesn’t pay off.  To fill the hole in her heart, Mystique then shacks up with her pants-less, 80-year-old blind girlfriend Destiny, before sleeping with the entire Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

Beth Jarrett (Ordinary People)

After the family loses their oldest son in a boating accident, Beth Jarrett decides that everyone must move on by pretending that nothing ever happened.  She is disconnected from her remaining suicidal son to the point where every interaction comes across as an awkward first date, but one where you can just make out the sound of her brain imploding from all the crazy trapped inside.  To cope with it all she  golfs obsessively and redefines the word love to mean cold, bitter hatred.


One Comment on “The 5 Meanest Fictional Moms”

  1. Zachary says:

    Claire Huxtable. Of course.


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