The 5 Things That Miles Is Thankful For

I am thankful for Anderson Cooper’s Talk Show

Finally the Occupy Anderson Cooper’s Life movement achieved its goals of getting a show purely dedicated to Anderson giggling and being shirtless.  Unlike on Anderson Cooper 360, where AC spends the whole time talking about world news and stuff, the talk show mainly involves Anderson spray tanning with Snooki and bench pressing Kathy Griffin.  For those who miss the AC360 moments when Anderson gazes into the camera with his icy blue eyes and his lips half parted, have no fear, because on the show’s Youtube channel you can watch Anderson answer viewer questions with the same bedroom eyes, except this time they are framed with black hipster glasses.  I would be even more thankful if someone could deliver this man to my front door.

2)      I am thankful for X-Factor (UK) Season 8

For those of you who are unfamiliar with X-Factor, it’s like American Idol but triple the budget, halve the talent, give the judges actual voting off power, and add in explosions, fire, and an army of spandex clad back up dancers.  At first I was nervous that this season wouldn’t make sense without Simon Cowell (who left to judge the awful American version), but I relaxed when the new judges proved to be super sexy (Gary Barlow and Kelly Rowland) and at times so steeped in slang that they became totally incomprehensible (Kelly). It’s true, I was a bit apprehensive when carnival act Kitty Brucknell went home, who entertained audiences by lighting pianos on fire and strapping herself to spark-shooting spinning death wheels.  However, I am thankful that I still have the girl group Little Mix, who after a charity law-suit renamed themselves after a Halloween candy assortment pack, and Marcus Collins, who is sort of a Little Richard meets Hairspray meets Wham! kind of act.  It’s all on YouTube people.

3)      I am thankful for my new job

Just last summer I was sitting at the front desk of a Chicago hair salon, listening to pumpkin-faced old women bitch at me about their daily struggles to catch taxis, and how deplorable their Michigan Avenue apartments were.  Occasionally, I would take a lunch break from this hell, where I would sit in the backroom and dodge one co-workers attempts to touch my junk, while reassuring another that she was indeed, smart, even though she was the dumbest girl I had ever met in my entire life (she did not know that Berlin was in Germany).  Now I live and work in Minneapolis, where I help unemployed people job search and learn computer skills.  Sometimes my old life as a high flying sexually-harassed receptionist feels like a dream, but then I remember that it was a nightmare.

4)      I am thankful for moving in with boyfriend

Do you want know the secret of an easy, low cost life?  Move in with you significant other. Make sure they like to cook, and won’t notice when you eat all of their Frito’s.   Split a one-bedroom so you can live dirt cheap, and make sure that they own the car so that they can drive you to the grocery store for free.  Apartment getting a little too messy with all their stuff?  Just bitch at them and tell them that you live there too (with normal roommates, this never works).  Don’t feel like doing the dishes?  Just ignore them and act more exhausted than usual.  Life is so much easier when you can lean on/leech off of another human being.

5)      I am thankful for the YWCA

The YWCA is my dream gym: conveniently located, multi-racial, and douchebag-free.  All of the posters are of powerful women, and the guys who work out there are attractive enough, but not to the point where they are distracting (see: College).  While I could do without the people in the locker room that get completely naked before walking to the showers, anything is a step up from the Chicago park district fitness center, where I had to change in the bathroom with children banging on the stall door complaining that their stomachs feel “urpy.”


One Comment on “The 5 Things That Miles Is Thankful For”

  1. Zachary says:

    I would love to see Mr. Jewell’s reaction to #4.


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