Miles’ 5 New Years Resolutions

Improve French Skills

Don’t be fooled, learning foreign languages is super easy…when you have a teacher…or are in a place where that foreign language is spoken. When working alone, however, the otherwise glamorous activities of making flash cards and drawing verb charts feel tedious.  There’s a French speaking group that I can go to that’s like, 2 feet from my house, but I’m so scared you guys.  What if they ridicule my choppy sentences and throw baguettes at me?  What if they forcefeed me foie gras in some sort of ironic commentary?  Like Marie Antoinette I must be brave.

Build a Secret Body

What is a secret body, you say?  You know that friend who looks completely normal and then even in a t-shirt he doesn’t really seem like he has anything going on, but then you’re at the pool and the clothes come off and suddenly there’s a body under there?  That’s a secret body.  This is not to be confused with a sweater body, which is the opposite, as it can be seen clearly under any item of clothing, even a thick sweater.  For someone as thin as I am, a sweater body is completely unfathomable, but I’m shooting for a secret body by summer.  Maybe?

Sew an Amazing Jumpsuit

Let’s be real.  Matching your shirt with your pants is super hard, especially when it’s 7 in the morning and you’re already late for work and you don’t have a light in your closet because your apartment doesn’t make sense.  There is no better solution to this problem than overalls a jumpsuit.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry.  I’ve sewed a shirt, and I’ve made shorts, so how much more complicated can it be to make a jumpsuit?  I just have to make sure that the shoulders fit, the crotch fits, the ass fits, the sleeves fit, the collar fits, and the zipper stays in place.  But you know what, I have a whole year, so shut up.

Make a Comic

My journey as a failed artist has progressed like this:

  1. Art making= fun
  2. Art making = challenging but rewarding
  3. Art making = low self esteem

Now I’ve reached the point where everything I draw takes 37 hours and looks like poop.  And yet somehow, even though lifting a pencil also makes me want to lift a knife and move it towards my wrist, I have agreed to do a comic with my boyfriend.  I mean, I already wrote the script (and it’s amazing) but drawing the thing is just too emo.  Maybe I need to take a cue from New Years Eve and get trashed before drawing.  It worked for Warhol.

Launch Rap Career

In 2012 it has to happen.

 

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The 5 Best Things About Winter

Sledding


Sledding never gets old.  It gives the same rush as biking, without any of the breaking or steering capabilities.  I don’t know how many children I mowed down at the Windmill Sledding Hill over the years, but a handful of them must have walked away with brain damage.  With all of the engineering that goes into a car or even a bike, it’s amazing that a piece of plastic on a slope can achieve enough momentum to propel someone down a hill, into 7 toddlers, through a hay bail, into an icy lake, and ultimately to an early death.

Less Bikers

There’s nothing I hate more than getting stuck behind some mom on her cruiser going 2 miles an hour with her earbuds in.  If you want to listen to Shakira and ride you bike to the YWCA at a literally a crawling pace, then please get off the damn road.  In the winter, all of these people take the bus and pretend that walking to the water cooler is cardio, thus freeing up the road for those of us crazy (or miserly) enough to ride through the hell that is December, January, February, and March.  Sadly, the warm Spring weather  brings back all of these slow-pokes, while simultaneously melting all of the snow banks that I could have shoved them into.

Bragging Rights

Bitch, you think 30 degrees is cold?  Try negative 30 with 50 mile an hour winds and no sunshine for 3 months.  I shoveled my way through five snow banks on my way to work last year, and slipped on black ice more times than I can remember.  All of my bones are broken.  We were too poor to turn on the heat and my comforter froze to my body every single night.  My tongue got  stuck on a pole and I had to rip it off because I was late for work.  I still can’t feel my fingers.

Sleeping

Throw away your bible, because in the winter the Bed is your new god.  There is nothing I like better than to put on my long underwear, pj pants, sleepy t, and hoodie before covering myself in three quilts and and seven pillows.  It’s that crushing sense of warmth that you can only achieve in winter that will make you snooze until 3pm, and then not care if you get fired because that just means you can sleep more.

Winter Olympics

Once every four winters something amazing happens.  The rich snowy countries of the world band together to offer us an entire month of televised silly sports to distract us from our frozen, lifeless insides.  I mean really, why would you go outside when you could hole up on your couch watching men with the biggest thighs you’ve ever seen race around a rink in tight orange spandex?  Of course the real reason to watch the games is to see which Asian American will have her dream of the gold medal crushed this time around.  Remember when Michelle Kwan failed to win for what felt like a thousand years?  Bitch shut up.


The 5 Worst Things About Winter

1.  SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Basically the minute October becomes November, I turn into a huge mess. Between the dropping temperatures, grey days and the fact that I have to work under fluorescent lighting during the (brief) period the sun is out, I walk around being droopy a good 65% of the time. I never want to leave the house because I’m too busy lying under a blanket AND watching tv. That’s called multitasking, people. Last year it go so bad that my SAD (or at least what I refer to as SAD) symptoms culminated in me crying in a snowbank littered with cigarette butts in front of a bar while the line of people waiting to get in tried to coax me out of it.

2.  Having to Talk Nonstop About the Winter

I’m pretty sure there is something in the air during winter that makes us lose all our conversational skills from the moment the first snowflake hits the ground until the last bit of brown snow has melted in the spring. You walk into a store/restaurant/any place where people haven’t been outside in a while, and all anyone wants to know is what’s happening with the weather. “Is it snowing?” “Cold out there, huh?” “The weather is supposed to stay the same until Sunday, and then it will blah blah blah.” If discussing weather with strangers wasn’t bad enough, talking about it to your normally interesting friends is enough to make me count the days down until spring.

3.  People Becoming Un-Sexy

Between the chapped lips, runny noses and bad hair (see #4) we run around with for a good 4 months, it’s no wonder people have less sex in the winter. Ok, ok…I know it actually has to do with some scientific reasons including a loss in the production of hormones and a biological drop in libido during winter, but come on! Let’s not pretend that we’re something we’re not- a visually stimulated culture. Spending a good part of your time in a giant coat, hat, mittens, etc with just your face showing makes everyone look the same from the back; sometimes from the front, too. On top of that, in the winter many of us develop what I like to refer to as a “potato body”: pale and lumpy. Just let me know when I sprout eyes.

4.  Winter Hair

There are so many barriers winter brings to having good hair. It dries is out, making it staticky and unmanageable. Since November, I have purchased three different conditioner on three separate occasions, all of them promising deep conditioning. My hair still feels like straw. And wearing hats only serves to make the winter hair issue worse. They somehow manage to completely flatten your hair while at the same time making it stick out at odd angles. I don’t even want to think about leaving the house in the winter with wet hair, but if you do, you may want to re-think covering it. The last time I went outside with wet hair, I wore a hood, hoping to avoid hat hair. After my hair dried, the rest of the day my family kept asking me in concerned voices if I had cut my hair.

5.  Ice

Let’s face it, winter is the worst season for the accident-prone (read: me). If there is even the smallest patch of ice, I will find it by slipping on it, wildly waving my arms and shrieking, ultimately landing flat on my butt. Probably in front of a cute neighbor. Like most people, I have to retire a good part of my shoe collection when winter hits. However, there are several pairs of boots designed for winter that I just refuse to wear because I have fallen in them too many times. My butt is basically sore the entire winter, and I try not to go anywhere without someone to catch me I can bring down with me.


5 Countries that the US Should Annex

When was the last time that America had a new state?  When was the last time that the US annexed anything?  It’s high time that America put that $550,000,000,000.00  military budget to good use and added some more stars to that beautiful flag of ours. Below are my suggestions for countries that should become new states for America. 

Canada

 Canada has been getting a little too cultured/healthy/respectful of diversity lately, so it’s time to drag them down to our level.  Learning about their history is too hard, so we plan to instate a strong Americanization program to make the country less confusing.  All Tim Horton’s will become Dunkin Donuts, and Quebec?  They speak Spanish now. 

Equatorial Guinea

Imagine if the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls were an entire country!  Now imagine that that country is the 54th state of America.  Let’s be real, Oprah isn’t rich enough to buy up a country like Zimbabwe, but Equatorial Guinea is well within her price range, and it’s Spanish speaking, so there’s that.   Expect a show about Central African student council elections to premier on OWN this spring. 

Georgia

 

I know what you’re thinking, we can’t annex the country of Georgia because we already have a state named Georgia and it would just be too confusing.  Don’t worry, we have a plan.  The state of Georgia will become West Georgia, and the country will become East Georgia.  Tbilisi will become East Atlanta, and the West Georgian Atlanta neighborhood of East Atlanta will become East West Atlanta…Or wait.

My head hurts.

Ecuador

How can we even call ourselves the United States of America without owning at least part of South America?  Ecuador is the perfect new state for America, because if anyone forgets where it is, there is a mnemonic device built into the country’s state’s name.  We’ll have to strike down all of their environmental laws so we can build a proper amount of McMansions and the Galápagos Islands will probably have to be paved, but soon enough it will feel just like home!

Moldova

Americans have always had a boner for Europe, so now is our big chance to own a piece of that loveable continent.  While most of the countries are too big/EU-protected to be pushed around without backlash, we did learn that Moldova was available for conquering.  Of course, we did have to make some deals with Romania in order to get our hands on their runaway neighbor (goodbye US olympic gymnastics program), but it was all worth it to be able to smell that sweet Mediterranean air.  Wait, where’s Moldova again?


5 Worst TV Dads

5.  Peter Griffin from “Family Guy”

While Peter is immature, extremely selfish and emotionally unavailable to all his children, it is his cruelness towards his daughter Meg that earns him a ranking on this list. His emotional- and sometimes physical- abuse directed at Meg is constant. From frequent reminders that Peter finds her repulsive to farting on her, all the way to shooting Meg in the chest when she just said “hi” to him, his behavior is callous and often shocking. What saves him from being rated higher is the fact that she totally sucks. “Shut up, Meg.”

4.  Dan Scott from “One Tree Hill”

In full-disclosure, I have only seen a handful of episodes from “One Tree Hill,” but in every. single. one.  Dan Scott suuuuucks. He abandoned his first born son and wife and seemingly attempted to make up for it by pushing his other son way too hard and making him resentful. This is about all I know about him/the show except: basketball, basketball, murder, basketball. Oh, and a golden retriever ate his heart transplant at some point.

3.  Frank Costanza from “Seinfeld”

Although the man gave us Festivus, Frank Costanza was a pretty terrible father. Loud, quick to anger and outspoken about his lack of pride in his son, is it any wonder that George is the way he is?

2.  Aaron Echolls from “Veronica Mars”

Aaron Echolls was an all around terrible person; he cheated on his wife and abused his son Logan. He conducted an affair with his son’s girlfriend, and when she threatened to expose him, he murdered her and had someone plant evidence against her brother. If that wasn’t bad enough, later on Veronica discovers that Aaron was the killer while she was dating his son. While Veronica attempted to get to the police, Aaron tries to murder her, too. Bad man! Although he only succeeded in killing one of his son’s girlfriends, I think it’s safe to say that the attempted murder alone cements him on this list.

1.  Frank Reynolds from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

One of the grossest people I can think of at the top of my head, Frank Reynolds is a mentally unstable compulsive gambler with a history of drug addiction who only shows interest in his children when it can benefit him. The list of offenses against his children goes on and on: turning his son Dennis into a gigolo, setting his daughter Dee on fire, forcing Dee to become a boxer, giving Dee rabies, water-boarding Dee….Well, maybe he’s not as horrible a father to Dennis, but he isn’t about to win any awards. Except for the number one spot on my list!