5 Countries that the US Should Annex

When was the last time that America had a new state?  When was the last time that the US annexed anything?  It’s high time that America put that $550,000,000,000.00  military budget to good use and added some more stars to that beautiful flag of ours. Below are my suggestions for countries that should become new states for America. 


 Canada has been getting a little too cultured/healthy/respectful of diversity lately, so it’s time to drag them down to our level.  Learning about their history is too hard, so we plan to instate a strong Americanization program to make the country less confusing.  All Tim Horton’s will become Dunkin Donuts, and Quebec?  They speak Spanish now. 

Equatorial Guinea

Imagine if the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls were an entire country!  Now imagine that that country is the 54th state of America.  Let’s be real, Oprah isn’t rich enough to buy up a country like Zimbabwe, but Equatorial Guinea is well within her price range, and it’s Spanish speaking, so there’s that.   Expect a show about Central African student council elections to premier on OWN this spring. 



I know what you’re thinking, we can’t annex the country of Georgia because we already have a state named Georgia and it would just be too confusing.  Don’t worry, we have a plan.  The state of Georgia will become West Georgia, and the country will become East Georgia.  Tbilisi will become East Atlanta, and the West Georgian Atlanta neighborhood of East Atlanta will become East West Atlanta…Or wait.

My head hurts.


How can we even call ourselves the United States of America without owning at least part of South America?  Ecuador is the perfect new state for America, because if anyone forgets where it is, there is a mnemonic device built into the country’s state’s name.  We’ll have to strike down all of their environmental laws so we can build a proper amount of McMansions and the Galápagos Islands will probably have to be paved, but soon enough it will feel just like home!


Americans have always had a boner for Europe, so now is our big chance to own a piece of that loveable continent.  While most of the countries are too big/EU-protected to be pushed around without backlash, we did learn that Moldova was available for conquering.  Of course, we did have to make some deals with Romania in order to get our hands on their runaway neighbor (goodbye US olympic gymnastics program), but it was all worth it to be able to smell that sweet Mediterranean air.  Wait, where’s Moldova again?


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