The 5 Worst Things About Winter

1.  SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Basically the minute October becomes November, I turn into a huge mess. Between the dropping temperatures, grey days and the fact that I have to work under fluorescent lighting during the (brief) period the sun is out, I walk around being droopy a good 65% of the time. I never want to leave the house because I’m too busy lying under a blanket AND watching tv. That’s called multitasking, people. Last year it go so bad that my SAD (or at least what I refer to as SAD) symptoms culminated in me crying in a snowbank littered with cigarette butts in front of a bar while the line of people waiting to get in tried to coax me out of it.

2.  Having to Talk Nonstop About the Winter

I’m pretty sure there is something in the air during winter that makes us lose all our conversational skills from the moment the first snowflake hits the ground until the last bit of brown snow has melted in the spring. You walk into a store/restaurant/any place where people haven’t been outside in a while, and all anyone wants to know is what’s happening with the weather. “Is it snowing?” “Cold out there, huh?” “The weather is supposed to stay the same until Sunday, and then it will blah blah blah.” If discussing weather with strangers wasn’t bad enough, talking about it to your normally interesting friends is enough to make me count the days down until spring.

3.  People Becoming Un-Sexy

Between the chapped lips, runny noses and bad hair (see #4) we run around with for a good 4 months, it’s no wonder people have less sex in the winter. Ok, ok…I know it actually has to do with some scientific reasons including a loss in the production of hormones and a biological drop in libido during winter, but come on! Let’s not pretend that we’re something we’re not- a visually stimulated culture. Spending a good part of your time in a giant coat, hat, mittens, etc with just your face showing makes everyone look the same from the back; sometimes from the front, too. On top of that, in the winter many of us develop what I like to refer to as a “potato body”: pale and lumpy. Just let me know when I sprout eyes.

4.  Winter Hair

There are so many barriers winter brings to having good hair. It dries is out, making it staticky and unmanageable. Since November, I have purchased three different conditioner on three separate occasions, all of them promising deep conditioning. My hair still feels like straw. And wearing hats only serves to make the winter hair issue worse. They somehow manage to completely flatten your hair while at the same time making it stick out at odd angles. I don’t even want to think about leaving the house in the winter with wet hair, but if you do, you may want to re-think covering it. The last time I went outside with wet hair, I wore a hood, hoping to avoid hat hair. After my hair dried, the rest of the day my family kept asking me in concerned voices if I had cut my hair.

5.  Ice

Let’s face it, winter is the worst season for the accident-prone (read: me). If there is even the smallest patch of ice, I will find it by slipping on it, wildly waving my arms and shrieking, ultimately landing flat on my butt. Probably in front of a cute neighbor. Like most people, I have to retire a good part of my shoe collection when winter hits. However, there are several pairs of boots designed for winter that I just refuse to wear because I have fallen in them too many times. My butt is basically sore the entire winter, and I try not to go anywhere without someone to catch me I can bring down with me.


One Comment on “The 5 Worst Things About Winter”

  1. You have a great sense of humor and a wonderfully macabre look at things. Thanks for making me chuckle! I read several of your posts.

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