The 5 Best Things About WinterPosted: December 16, 2011
Sledding never gets old. It gives the same rush as biking, without any of the breaking or steering capabilities. I don’t know how many children I mowed down at the Windmill Sledding Hill over the years, but a handful of them must have walked away with brain damage. With all of the engineering that goes into a car or even a bike, it’s amazing that a piece of plastic on a slope can achieve enough momentum to propel someone down a hill, into 7 toddlers, through a hay bail, into an icy lake, and ultimately to an early death.
There’s nothing I hate more than getting stuck behind some mom on her cruiser going 2 miles an hour with her earbuds in. If you want to listen to Shakira and ride you bike to the YWCA at a literally a crawling pace, then please get off the damn road. In the winter, all of these people take the bus and pretend that walking to the water cooler is cardio, thus freeing up the road for those of us crazy (or miserly) enough to ride through the hell that is December, January, February, and March. Sadly, the warm Spring weather brings back all of these slow-pokes, while simultaneously melting all of the snow banks that I could have shoved them into.
Bitch, you think 30 degrees is cold? Try negative 30 with 50 mile an hour winds and no sunshine for 3 months. I shoveled my way through five snow banks on my way to work last year, and slipped on black ice more times than I can remember. All of my bones are broken. We were too poor to turn on the heat and my comforter froze to my body every single night. My tongue got stuck on a pole and I had to rip it off because I was late for work. I still can’t feel my fingers.
Throw away your bible, because in the winter the Bed is your new god. There is nothing I like better than to put on my long underwear, pj pants, sleepy t, and hoodie before covering myself in three quilts and and seven pillows. It’s that crushing sense of warmth that you can only achieve in winter that will make you snooze until 3pm, and then not care if you get fired because that just means you can sleep more.
Once every four winters something amazing happens. The
rich snowy countries of the world band together to offer us an entire month of televised silly sports to distract us from our frozen, lifeless insides. I mean really, why would you go outside when you could hole up on your couch watching men with the biggest thighs you’ve ever seen race around a rink in tight orange spandex? Of course the real reason to watch the games is to see which Asian American will have her dream of the gold medal crushed this time around. Remember when Michelle Kwan failed to win for what felt like a thousand years? Bitch shut up.