Miles’ 5 Tackiest Types of Home Decor

Water Beds

Getting comfortable is overrated.  Water bed salesmen have proven through extensive research that it’s better to sleep on something that is constantly moving around and waking you up.  It’s kind of like sex.  Plus, with a water bed you don’t even need to wet the bed anymore, because your water bed will do that for you.

Home Entertainment Centers

Think of it: instead of sending your kids to college you can replace your entire DVD collection with Blue Ray and buy a $2,000 Samsung surround sound system.   Nothing says that you don’t need to learn how to read like a a 900 inch flat screen HD 3D TV. Let TLC be their education.  That still stands for The Learning Channel, right?

Kitchen Curtains

Nothing says domesticity like large pieces of fabric designed to obscure the outdoors and any aspirations of a job outside of raising the children.  Floral kitchen curtains are the best because they’ll match your faded floral house dress, becoming a kind of grubby extension of yourself.  When your husband starts forgetting your name and just starts calling you “the Wife,” then you know that the curtains have done their job of erasing your identity entirely.

Indoor Hot Tubs

If you buy a home hot tub you’ll either never use it or you’ll use it too much.  You’ll eat all of your meals in it and you’ll drop food in it and the food will kind of just float around in there for days until your maid fishes it out.  You’ll ground your kids for not using the hot tub enough and as a punishment you’ll make them do their homework in the hot tub and when they start complaining of head aches and odd breathing from all the heat exposure you’ll make them sleep in the hot tub.

Carpet in the Bathroom

I thought about tile in the bathroom, but I decided that I wanted something that can catch all of my toenail clippings and hide them forever.  I want to accidentally drop my contact lens and never be able to find it.    And I really like mold.  Yes, mold is something that’s really important to me at this point in my life.