Hugh Jackman is at least four kinds of hot. He can never not look like sex. Did you see that man in Australia? The movie was purely a vehicle for Jackman’s package. They put him in the tightest, filthiest clothes possible and had him run around and lift things for 2.5 hours. There was literally a scene where Nicole Kidman’s character couldn’t speak to him because there were too many sex thoughts clogging her brain. Look at the hug picture above. How is Kidman’s body not exploding from the pure manly hotness that is embracing her? Girl’s gotta be a robot.
Malcolm Jamal Warner
I was completely unaware of Malcom Jamal Warner’s dramatic transformation until he guest spotted on Community a little while ago and showed off his all-grown-up sweater body. Seriously,what happened to Theo? On the Cosby Show he was a string bean with a sexy laugh, and now he’s an absoultely enormous sexmachine with the same sexy laugh and huge arms. I’m currently in talks with BET to play Malcolm’s interracial, homosexual tryst on Reed Between the Lines. And by “in talks with BET” I mean that I’m tweeting BET every 5 minutes asking them to forward Malcolm my sexts.
Oh, Anderson. Surely you must be aware of how many men and women lust after you. You know what, upon further thought I think you do know. I think that your entire career has been an ellaborate game. First you are a simple CNN anchor with piercing blue eyes and half-parted lips. Then you start scheduling giggle fests with Kathy Griffin on New Years Eve, and let slip your hidden obsession with the Real Housewives franchise. Finally, you reveal your not-so-secret body at the same time you start wearing nerdy glasses for your new talk show. The only trick left up your sleeve is to come out as gay and cheat on your boyfriend with me.
My attraction to mischevious looking men is new, and I’m still trying to understand it. T.O.P, with his slashed eyebrow and rap name that is a clearly a gay sex reference, excites me in a different way than the other men on this list. When I watch him in music videos, all I can think of is him rapping to me in Korean while he simultaneously pulls the fire alarm and unbuttons my shirt. There’s just something so alluring about a deep voiced man with cotton candy hair and costume jewelry setting off a stinkbomb at a wedding and then wisking me away on his stolen speedboat.
I love Dirty Jobs, but can somebody please edit out all the parts where Mike isn’t shirtless, lifting boulders in a t-shirt, or singing Opera? Actually, can TLC cancel Dirty Jobs so Mike can go exclusively into the porn and audio book markets? I bet you the Hunger Games would be even more popular with Mr. Rowe’s sex voice narrating the thing. While we’re at it, where’s this guy’s movie contract? We could cast him in a film called Dirty Apocolypse where Mike does hard labor in a future where the world has run out of clothing.
My birthdays was last week on the 14th. Yes, I was born on Valentines Day, which is fortunate as it’s clearly the best holiday. But even at my elderly age of 24 (I’m almost 27 which is almost 30!) there are things about the world that I still have trouble understanding. I list them before you below, so that we may ponder them together.
1) People without necks
We’ve all seen them, those people whose shoulders come right out from their jaw. How does that happen? Everybody has a neck to begin with, so when does one’s disappear? Can you get it back if you lose weight or lift weights or something? But some neck-less people aren’t fat…Do people get nervous when their neck starts to disappear? Do they worry that they’re joining the ranks of all the neck-less people? What does a turtleneck even look like on them?
2) Drivers who won’t let you in
I gotta go home and get mine! Fuck you! I don’t care if you only have 30 more feet of this on-ramp and are gonna crash into a cement wall if I don’t let you in! I don’t owe you shit! Go ahead and bust your brains out for all I care! I have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade waiting for me at home and nobody’s gonna fuckin get in my way, so fuck you!
3) Singers who can’t sing
I understand that some people venture into the music industry not for the love of singing but to make a quick buck. I get that. But how, by the third album or whatever, can they still not sing? Are they really that apathetic about singing that they can’t invest in some voice lessons? Or is it that they have been taking lessons, and are really so untalented that nothing can make a dent on their paper thin, nasal, whiny voice? Do they carry their lack of ability as a secret shame, and shudder whenever they have to refer to themselves as a singer? Because you know what, they should.
4) American foreign language teaching
Come. On. America. The rest of the (non-English speaking) world has figured it out already. Start teaching the childrens a foreign language early, and refuse to feed them until they can speak it perfectly. Our current system of teaching kids that gato means cat every year for five years is obviously not working. We should send every American child to the nearest taquería and not allow them to come out until they have successfully ordered a burrito en Español. What’s that? You’re scared and hungry? You better cry in Spanish or else no dinner tonight.
Usher, listen to me, honey. You’ve been around for a while now. You’re voice makes people swoon, you’re dance moves make me dizzy, and you fill out your white tearaway suits nicely. You remind people of sex. But booboo child, honeybunches, listen: the music sucks. It’s always sucked. You have too much talent to be another Britney Spears. Hire some proper song writers, buckle down, and produce something that isn’t absolute shit. Your new song Climax has me hoping that we’re finally on the horizon of something not-shit, and I hope to abs that I’m right.
6) Why short is still a dirty word
Please don’t get mad at me when I say this, but if you are under 5’7”, you’re short. There I said it, and I won’t unsay it. Dudes, stop feeling sad when you’re stature is referred to as less-than-tall. You’re hot and I want to touch you. I want to touch you because you’re short. And screw all those women who won’t date a guy because with their 5 inch stripper heels they’ll stand a half inch taller than him. That is too dumb for words.
At age 68, George Takei proved that it’s never too late to come out. While he doesn’t have that firm stomach anymore, George still speaks in that wobbly, cavernous voice that drives the boys wild. Like all gay celebs, Takei has used his coming out to re-energize his career. Since his reveal, he has starred in several unlicensed Star Trek web series, lent his voice to numerous downloadable add-ons for the Playstation Network, and proposed rape to one lucky homophobic basketball star.
Gladys Bentley was winning the hearts of women and singing in tuxedos over fifty years before Janelle Monae coiffed her first fro-hawk. When she wasn’t behind the piano making sex eyes at lezzies, she was performing dirty remixes of popular songs in front of a chorus line of drag queens. Bentley proved that you don’t need enormous breasts to win over admirers (although she had those), all you need is a fancy walking cane and a love for the vaj.
Although he’s the Western world’s first gay icon, Saint Sebastian proves that gay dudes really haven’t changed much in the last thousand years. We’re still into that pull-your-pants-down-so-far-we-can-see-your-pubic-hair look, and we still like our men to be as defenseless as possible. In many ways, Sebastian is a trendsetter. Shaved armpits on men are already becoming popular, and its only a matter of time before arrowplay becomes mainstream.
Wilson Cruz is pretty gay. At 19 he came out to his parents, then took their rejection of him as an opportunity to run away to show business and play a gay 19-year old who was rejected by his parents. He followed up this role by portraying a servant, then a male prostitute, and then transitioned to Broadway to play an AIDS positive drag queen. When not acting in films with titles like Joyride and All Over Me, Cruz busies himself by presiding over gay parades and taking his shirt off at speaking events.
While I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga’s recent music and I fear that we’ve veered into dangerous “she can do no wrong territory,” I will concede that Ms. Germanotta is pretty gay. And not just one kind of gay, but every kind of gay. As Lady Gaga, she is a big-voiced, pantsless drag queen who churns out middling dance tunes for white boys to grind to. As Jo Calderone she is a chain smoking, Cheeto-eating lesbian wet dream. Finally, don’t forget her mermaid alter ego Yuyi, clearly a nod to her trans fans.
Remember when we thought English was where everything was heading? Man, were we wrong. For our forward thinking readers, here are the languages you should be studying up if you want to succeed a few decades from now.
Once phones reach total global saturation in 2030, most of the world’s languages die off quickly, replaced forever by txtspk, or text speak. Speeches, books longer than 140 characters, and complex thought vanish swiftly thereafter. The picture above represents an early form of the language, back when vowels still existed.
American Sign Language
Although txtspk has become a global vernacular, humans still find themselves in need of a language for when they inevitably forget to charge their phones. With social interactions having become much too mortifying, people turn to American Sign Language to avoid any awkwardness that would come from speaking aloud. Signing while texting while driving quickly becomes a global epidemic. Billions die.
The Divine Language from The Fifth Element
Following in the footsteps of txtspk, religious leaders look for simpler ways to communicate their messages to the masses. Fortunately, the divine language from the Fifth Element, with only 400 words in its vocabulary, fits their needs perfectly. Artists begin to depict the Virgin Mary as a near naked read head, and Jesushammed (Jesus and Muhammed have merged by now) takes on a Bruce Willis quality.
After Bollywood purchases Hollywood, Hinglish, a mashup of English and Hindi, emerges as the global language of entertainment. With a worldwide audience, movie budgets skyrocket into the billions, allowing producers to jam in even more mind blowing special effects and even less diversity. Sadly, somewhere along the way, white was made the official race of the entertainment industry.
In order to compete with the growing presence of txtspk, French, Spanish, Portuguese and the other Romance languages combine to form Hispanish. The tongue deftly combines the speed of Spanish, the slurryness of French, and the (insert relevant quality here) of Portuguese. Italian vocab is mainly used when discussing gabagool, and Romanian words are relegated to conversations about orphanage fires.