The 5 Languages You Will Need in the FuturePosted: February 1, 2012
Remember when we thought English was where everything was heading? Man, were we wrong. For our forward thinking readers, here are the languages you should be studying up if you want to succeed a few decades from now.
Once phones reach total global saturation in 2030, most of the world’s languages die off quickly, replaced forever by txtspk, or text speak. Speeches, books longer than 140 characters, and complex thought vanish swiftly thereafter. The picture above represents an early form of the language, back when vowels still existed.
American Sign Language
Although txtspk has become a global vernacular, humans still find themselves in need of a language for when they inevitably forget to charge their phones. With social interactions having become much too mortifying, people turn to American Sign Language to avoid any awkwardness that would come from speaking aloud. Signing while texting while driving quickly becomes a global epidemic. Billions die.
The Divine Language from The Fifth Element
Following in the footsteps of txtspk, religious leaders look for simpler ways to communicate their messages to the masses. Fortunately, the divine language from the Fifth Element, with only 400 words in its vocabulary, fits their needs perfectly. Artists begin to depict the Virgin Mary as a near naked read head, and Jesushammed (Jesus and Muhammed have merged by now) takes on a Bruce Willis quality.
After Bollywood purchases Hollywood, Hinglish, a mashup of English and Hindi, emerges as the global language of entertainment. With a worldwide audience, movie budgets skyrocket into the billions, allowing producers to jam in even more mind blowing special effects and even less diversity. Sadly, somewhere along the way, white was made the official race of the entertainment industry.
In order to compete with the growing presence of txtspk, French, Spanish, Portuguese and the other Romance languages combine to form Hispanish. The tongue deftly combines the speed of Spanish, the slurryness of French, and the (insert relevant quality here) of Portuguese. Italian vocab is mainly used when discussing gabagool, and Romanian words are relegated to conversations about orphanage fires.