6 Things Miles Still Doesn’t Understand at Age 24Posted: February 23, 2012
My birthdays was last week on the 14th. Yes, I was born on Valentines Day, which is fortunate as it’s clearly the best holiday. But even at my elderly age of 24 (I’m almost 27 which is almost 30!) there are things about the world that I still have trouble understanding. I list them before you below, so that we may ponder them together.
1) People without necks
We’ve all seen them, those people whose shoulders come right out from their jaw. How does that happen? Everybody has a neck to begin with, so when does one’s disappear? Can you get it back if you lose weight or lift weights or something? But some neck-less people aren’t fat…Do people get nervous when their neck starts to disappear? Do they worry that they’re joining the ranks of all the neck-less people? What does a turtleneck even look like on them?
2) Drivers who won’t let you in
I gotta go home and get mine! Fuck you! I don’t care if you only have 30 more feet of this on-ramp and are gonna crash into a cement wall if I don’t let you in! I don’t owe you shit! Go ahead and bust your brains out for all I care! I have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade waiting for me at home and nobody’s gonna fuckin get in my way, so fuck you!
3) Singers who can’t sing
I understand that some people venture into the music industry not for the love of singing but to make a quick buck. I get that. But how, by the third album or whatever, can they still not sing? Are they really that apathetic about singing that they can’t invest in some voice lessons? Or is it that they have been taking lessons, and are really so untalented that nothing can make a dent on their paper thin, nasal, whiny voice? Do they carry their lack of ability as a secret shame, and shudder whenever they have to refer to themselves as a singer? Because you know what, they should.
4) American foreign language teaching
Come. On. America. The rest of the (non-English speaking) world has figured it out already. Start teaching the childrens a foreign language early, and refuse to feed them until they can speak it perfectly. Our current system of teaching kids that gato means cat every year for five years is obviously not working. We should send every American child to the nearest taquería and not allow them to come out until they have successfully ordered a burrito en Español. What’s that? You’re scared and hungry? You better cry in Spanish or else no dinner tonight.
Usher, listen to me, honey. You’ve been around for a while now. You’re voice makes people swoon, you’re dance moves make me dizzy, and you fill out your white tearaway suits nicely. You remind people of sex. But booboo child, honeybunches, listen: the music sucks. It’s always sucked. You have too much talent to be another Britney Spears. Hire some proper song writers, buckle down, and produce something that isn’t absolute shit. Your new song Climax has me hoping that we’re finally on the horizon of something not-shit, and I hope to abs that I’m right.
6) Why short is still a dirty word
Please don’t get mad at me when I say this, but if you are under 5’7”, you’re short. There I said it, and I won’t unsay it. Dudes, stop feeling sad when you’re stature is referred to as less-than-tall. You’re hot and I want to touch you. I want to touch you because you’re short. And screw all those women who won’t date a guy because with their 5 inch stripper heels they’ll stand a half inch taller than him. That is too dumb for words.