The Five Men That Miles Would Cheat WithPosted: February 24, 2012
Hugh Jackman is at least four kinds of hot. He can never not look like sex. Did you see that man in Australia? The movie was purely a vehicle for Jackman’s package. They put him in the tightest, filthiest clothes possible and had him run around and lift things for 2.5 hours. There was literally a scene where Nicole Kidman’s character couldn’t speak to him because there were too many sex thoughts clogging her brain. Look at the hug picture above. How is Kidman’s body not exploding from the pure manly hotness that is embracing her? Girl’s gotta be a robot.
Malcolm Jamal Warner
I was completely unaware of Malcom Jamal Warner’s dramatic transformation until he guest spotted on Community a little while ago and showed off his all-grown-up sweater body. Seriously,what happened to Theo? On the Cosby Show he was a string bean with a sexy laugh, and now he’s an absoultely enormous sexmachine with the same sexy laugh and huge arms. I’m currently in talks with BET to play Malcolm’s interracial, homosexual tryst on Reed Between the Lines. And by “in talks with BET” I mean that I’m tweeting BET every 5 minutes asking them to forward Malcolm my sexts.
Oh, Anderson. Surely you must be aware of how many men and women lust after you. You know what, upon further thought I think you do know. I think that your entire career has been an ellaborate game. First you are a simple CNN anchor with piercing blue eyes and half-parted lips. Then you start scheduling giggle fests with Kathy Griffin on New Years Eve, and let slip your hidden obsession with the Real Housewives franchise. Finally, you reveal your not-so-secret body at the same time you start wearing nerdy glasses for your new talk show. The only trick left up your sleeve is to come out as gay and cheat on your boyfriend with me.
My attraction to mischevious looking men is new, and I’m still trying to understand it. T.O.P, with his slashed eyebrow and rap name that is a clearly a gay sex reference, excites me in a different way than the other men on this list. When I watch him in music videos, all I can think of is him rapping to me in Korean while he simultaneously pulls the fire alarm and unbuttons my shirt. There’s just something so alluring about a deep voiced man with cotton candy hair and costume jewelry setting off a stinkbomb at a wedding and then wisking me away on his stolen speedboat.
I love Dirty Jobs, but can somebody please edit out all the parts where Mike isn’t shirtless, lifting boulders in a t-shirt, or singing Opera? Actually, can TLC cancel Dirty Jobs so Mike can go exclusively into the porn and audio book markets? I bet you the Hunger Games would be even more popular with Mr. Rowe’s sex voice narrating the thing. While we’re at it, where’s this guy’s movie contract? We could cast him in a film called Dirty Apocolypse where Mike does hard labor in a future where the world has run out of clothing.