The 5 Reality Shows Miles Would Die to Be On


Made would finally allow me to achieve my life long dream of competing as a synchronized diver.  MTV would hook me up with a hot Made coach, a hotter diving partner, and ship me off to Speedo land to learn the art of falling in the same way and at the same time as somebody else.  Two months and several electrolysis sessions later, I would be standing on the platform at the 2012 Olympic Games ready to get my dive on.  Of course, my partner would sabotage the dive because MTV told him that I said that his sister smells like a drag queen, when what I really said was that his sister smells like cat pee.

12 Corazones

Doce Corazones is my favorite zodiac themed Spanish language dating show, and I watched enough of it in college to consider myself an expert.  What you need to do to win is strip as early as possible, make sure that your body is devoid of hair and that any hair that you do have is fake.  I know that the stripper poll that descends from the ceiling looks unstable, but you’re gonna need to go upside down on that thing with you’re legs spread to make it past round 2.  Go skank or go home.


At times I don’t know if Simon Cowell’s X-Factor will save or destroy pop music.  All I know is that I want to be a part of this shit show wherever it leads us.  I will compete as one part of a mixed race mixed gender singing/rap duo named Jean Jacket.  We will do covers of Kim Wilde and Pointer Sisters songs with robot-drag queen back up dancers.  Fireworks will accompany our every dance move.  At the final we will perform with Janet Jackson, if only so that our true fans can wear “Jean Jacket & Janet Jackson” emblazoned jean jackets.  Voting starts now.

Who Do You Think You Are?


Who do I think I am?  I think I have Greek, Danish, and German ancestry and I want to go on a vacation for free!  I want an all expense paid trip to Europe where I can fondle priceless artifacts that may or may not have anything to do with my ancestors.  I want to discover that my great great great great great grandfather was some king’s bastard and I am an heir to an apple orchard.  Most importantly, I want my uncovered past to be fictionalized as a new PBS drama that then has a crossover episode with Downtown Abbey.  I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot here.

What Not To Wear

Having watched all 240 episodes of What Not To Wear, I realize that going on the show is a risk.  Left to their own devices, Stacy and Clinton will try to make you look as boring as possible.  To avoid looking like a 24-year-old Republican presidential candidate, it’s all about the first day of shopping.  Those bitches don’t follow you around on day one, so that’s when you gotta get your freak on.  I would spend the first thousand dollars on a high-waisted, low crotch harem jumpsuit, the second on a backless tuxedo, and the third on some sick shoes for the prosthetic legs I plan on getting.  By day two I plan on being out of money and having the What Not To Wear producer’s loan me some if only so they can continue filming.


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