Yesterday I was at a drug store, when I saw this sad little section of the worst leftover Easter candy….Put that ish away, Walgreens! Ain’t nobody want this candy!
5. Chocolate “Flavored” Bunny
If you buy this for someone at Easter, it means you hate them; real chocolate is like $1 more! I know I like my chocolate to taste like plastic and give me an immediate headache, but not everyone feels that way.
4. Black Jelly Beans
No one likes black jelly beans. NO ONE. And if you say you do, quit lying to yourself: you tolerate black jelly beans. Also, thanks for making them Easter-themed (love that “Easter” mascot), but jelly bird eggs? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch? Just call them Jesus drops and be done with it.
3. Chicks and Rabbits
Although finding a way to make circus peanuts even more disgusting is a big undertaking, Brach’s did the next-to-impossible by dying styrofoam neon colors and smooshing them into creepy shapes. Circus peanuts: disappointing children since the 1940s.
2. Edible Easter Grass
Pssht, who needs wrappers for their candy? I prefer to eat mine after someone put their most likely dirty hands all over it, then let it sit out for a while. Who needs to diet when you can just have diarrhea!
1. Mallow Pals
See, I like marshmallows, but they don’t taste fake enough to me! That’s where Mallow Pals comes in. Tired of having to chew your marshmallow? Here- just shoot Pepto-colored slime into your mouth! That’s not a sugar rush you’re feeling- that’s the cancer forming!
For those looking for a full body workout, there is the rollerski. Work your arm, ab, ass, thigh, and shame muscles to their fullest as you run over dogs and collide with bikers. Simultaneously prepare for the next cross country skiing season, and your upcoming all school skate as you practice T-stopping, V-stopping, and G-spot-stopping. If your crotch hurts and children are laughing at you, then you’re doing it right.
If you find motorboats to be too noisy and rowboats to require too much of that pesky upper body strength, then the trampofoil is perfect for you. All you have to do is bounce up and down in a humping motion and steer using the long, dark, thick steering shaft. While you’re sweating and getting bit by mosquitos, remember to never stop air humping. If you do, you’ll sink immediatley into the leech filled river water, and so will your brand new trampofoil!
Why walk when others can do that for you? Your friends will get a proper workout carrying your fat ass as you play your 3D DS and nap, all at the break neck speed of 2 miles per hour. Remember, when one of your friends gets tired and wants to switch places with you, don’t be afraid to crack the whip. Get to steppin’ bitch!
The velomobile combines the relatively low speeds of the bicycle with the sitting-in-traffic capabilites of the automobile. It may act like a bike, but it’s heavy like a car! And while it looks like car, it only holds one passenger and has no storage, kind of like a bike! Take this bad boy out on the town if you want to literally stop traffic and maybe die.
Screw pedals, with the trikke all you need to do is shift your weight from left to right to propel yourself forward. Work those love handles as you shimmy on over to that block party, and impress all the dudes as you unwantingly shake your ass in their direction. Didn’t mean to butt-flirt with that douch-y looking guy with the double popped collar and the Old Navy Cargo shorts? Escape on your trikke while he gets another long look at your swaying backside. Damn this mutant scooter!
The only thing more annoying than barking is crying
As someone who hasn’t cried since the 1980’s, I find the whole thing very foreign. What will tears do for you that a cold, unfeeling numbness can’t? Babies, however, disagree with this approach and believe that screaming is a perfectly suitable means of communciation. What’s that? You’d like to have brunch this Sunday? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, my baby is literally screaming directly into my ear canal right now.
Dogs poop outside, babies poop inside
Diapers are the ultimate port-a-potty because they’re a port-a-potty you can wear directly on your ass. Babies see no problem living in a world perfumed by their own poop, and you will have to learn to see it their way as well. Even if you take up every available outlet in your home with 75 Glade Plug-ins, you will never escape the sensation that you are living in a freshly manured outhouse. Best get that post-pregancy nose job now.
Dogs do not need help eating
Babies are like bulimics and pica victims rolled into one fussy package. Where dogs are content to eat off of the floor, for DCFS reasons babies must sit at the table in a special booster throne. While they’re still full from eating your electric bill while you were at work, they will deign to have you feed them using a special long-handled spoon-wand. While you’re at it, you may wipe their face and burp them as well, and there better be airplane games involved or this food is coming back up faster then yesterday’s potpourri.
Dogs are fine being naked
Owning a baby is like being the director of a never ending fashion show, except in this show the model is gaining weight constantly. Where a new collar once a year would do for a dog, your little girl needs a different sundress each week to show off those baby curves. As if Gap Infant didn’t cost enough, now all the cool moms and dads are dressing their kids in Versace Bébé. Better buy in now or your kid will never gain enough self esteem to get into Harvard Baby School!
Dogs don’t need no stroller
Remember the good ole’ days, before you had a baby, when all you had to do was slip on your shoes and wander sleepily while your dog pulled you towards poop and into traffic? Now you’ve got to have your coffee and your baby food and your baby coffee ready before you even attempt to carry your kid and stroller down the front steps. Then you have to endure hipster scowls as you push your babybuggy past the art gallery that’s closing down to become a children’s educational toy boutique. Oopsies!
The Occupy Movement
Look past the Native American appropriation, Native occupation, and drum circles, and this mostly White, definitely not Native American movement was pretty cool. In a porta-potty scented meeting of young minds it captured so energetically the hyper-focused, goal oriented nature of generation Y. Finally, our movement had arrived. Occupy was our chance to stand up and say…something…about how rich people are bad, and we want better…wait, what did we want again?
An Increase in Monster Energy Drink Sales
For some reason, losing all that money has made people thirstier and more exhausted than ever. To keep the economy going, Wallstreet has been reaching for a lot of Monster Energy drinks, conveniently located in the nearest thong strap. The unemployed have also grabbed cans of Monster, as well as various liquor bottles and shot glasses. If the taste of riboflavin, nitros oxide, and ass sweat isn’t enough to revitalize our failing econonmy, I don’t know what is.
Lots of Growth for Etsy
When art failed to change the world, it was craft’s turn, and boy did they ever change the world of eclectic, bird-themed jewelry lovers everywhere. No longer would painting majors have to buy their piranha earrings and Jesus bracelets from Urban Outfitters. Now they could pay the same price for the same stuff plus shipping and handling. And Etsy gave consumers the power to talk directly to craftspeople, so they could say hey, “I really liked that Charlie Brown and the Peanuts screen printed bikini I bought from you. It didn’t make me feel creepy at all.”
(Mr. T Teapot by Lennymud)
A Reduction in Shitty Job Stigma
See that dog walker? He used to be an accountant for a big law firm with a plush office and everything. Now his office is the streets and his clients are dogs who love to poop and bite people. But there’s no shame in that. In a day and age when porn stars who play nurses have to become actual nurses, and actual nurses have to become porn stars (on public access), there is no disgrace in any occupation. Hurry, I heard the circus is hiring Elephant shit shovelers!
Thrifty Shopping is Cool
Do you know what a maxxanista is? It’s a girl that loves to shop but is on a budget, girrrl! She saves money by wearing leggings as pants and only rocks fabrics made in a laboratory. When her bones get chilly, she picks up a sweet oversized, only-slightly-stained sweater at St. Mary and Joseph’s Discount Bible and Clothing Outlet. That daffodil and urine smell? That’s vintage.