5 Upsides to the RecessionPosted: April 5, 2012
The Occupy Movement
Look past the Native American appropriation, Native occupation, and drum circles, and this mostly White, definitely not Native American movement was pretty cool. In a porta-potty scented meeting of young minds it captured so energetically the hyper-focused, goal oriented nature of generation Y. Finally, our movement had arrived. Occupy was our chance to stand up and say…something…about how rich people are bad, and we want better…wait, what did we want again?
An Increase in Monster Energy Drink Sales
For some reason, losing all that money has made people thirstier and more exhausted than ever. To keep the economy going, Wallstreet has been reaching for a lot of Monster Energy drinks, conveniently located in the nearest thong strap. The unemployed have also grabbed cans of Monster, as well as various liquor bottles and shot glasses. If the taste of riboflavin, nitros oxide, and ass sweat isn’t enough to revitalize our failing econonmy, I don’t know what is.
Lots of Growth for Etsy
When art failed to change the world, it was craft’s turn, and boy did they ever change the world of eclectic, bird-themed jewelry lovers everywhere. No longer would painting majors have to buy their piranha earrings and Jesus bracelets from Urban Outfitters. Now they could pay the same price for the same stuff plus shipping and handling. And Etsy gave consumers the power to talk directly to craftspeople, so they could say hey, “I really liked that Charlie Brown and the Peanuts screen printed bikini I bought from you. It didn’t make me feel creepy at all.”
(Mr. T Teapot by Lennymud)
A Reduction in Shitty Job Stigma
See that dog walker? He used to be an accountant for a big law firm with a plush office and everything. Now his office is the streets and his clients are dogs who love to poop and bite people. But there’s no shame in that. In a day and age when porn stars who play nurses have to become actual nurses, and actual nurses have to become porn stars (on public access), there is no disgrace in any occupation. Hurry, I heard the circus is hiring Elephant shit shovelers!
Thrifty Shopping is Cool
Do you know what a maxxanista is? It’s a girl that loves to shop but is on a budget, girrrl! She saves money by wearing leggings as pants and only rocks fabrics made in a laboratory. When her bones get chilly, she picks up a sweet oversized, only-slightly-stained sweater at St. Mary and Joseph’s Discount Bible and Clothing Outlet. That daffodil and urine smell? That’s vintage.