5 Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Babies

The only thing more annoying than barking is crying

As someone who hasn’t cried since the 1980’s, I find the whole thing very foreign.  What will tears do for you that a cold, unfeeling numbness can’t?  Babies, however, disagree with this approach and believe that screaming is a perfectly suitable means of communciation.  What’s that?  You’d like to have brunch this Sunday?  I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, my baby is literally screaming directly into my ear canal right now.

Dogs poop outside, babies poop inside

Diapers are the ultimate port-a-potty because they’re a port-a-potty you can wear directly on your ass.  Babies see no problem living in a world perfumed by their own poop, and you will have to learn to see it their way as well.  Even if you take up every available outlet in your home with 75 Glade Plug-ins, you will never escape the sensation that you are living in a freshly manured outhouse.  Best get that post-pregancy nose job now.

Dogs do not need help eating

Babies are like bulimics and pica victims rolled into one fussy package.  Where dogs are content to eat off of the floor, for DCFS reasons babies must sit at the table in a special booster throne. While they’re still full from eating your electric bill while you were at work, they will deign to have you feed them using a special long-handled spoon-wand.  While you’re at it, you may wipe their face and burp them as well, and there better be airplane games involved or this food is coming back up faster then yesterday’s potpourri.

Dogs are fine being naked

Owning a baby is like being the director of a never ending fashion show, except in this show the model is gaining weight constantly.  Where a new collar once a year would do for a dog, your little girl needs a different sundress each week to show off those baby curves.  As if Gap Infant didn’t cost enough, now all the cool moms and dads are dressing their kids in Versace Bébé.  Better buy in now or your kid will never gain  enough self esteem to get into Harvard Baby School!

Dogs don’t need no stroller

Remember the good ole’ days, before you had a baby, when all you had to do was slip on your shoes and wander sleepily while your dog pulled you towards poop and into traffic?  Now you’ve got to have your coffee and your baby food and your baby coffee ready before you even attempt to carry your kid and stroller down the front steps.  Then you have to endure hipster scowls as you push your babybuggy past the art gallery that’s closing down to become a children’s educational toy boutique.  Oopsies!


3 Comments on “5 Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Babies”

  1. Zachary says:

    Children’s education toy boutiques are the bomb!

  2. Shoenoodles says:

    Babies smell better than dogs 🙂

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