5 Earthday-tastic Alternative Modes of Transportation

Rollerskis

For those looking for a full body workout, there is the rollerski.  Work your arm, ab, ass, thigh, and shame muscles to their fullest as you run over dogs and collide with bikers.  Simultaneously prepare for the next cross country skiing season, and your upcoming all school skate as you practice T-stopping, V-stopping, and G-spot-stopping.  If your crotch hurts and children are laughing at you, then you’re doing it right.    

Trampofoil

If you find motorboats to be too noisy and rowboats to require too much of that pesky upper body strength, then the trampofoil is perfect for you.  All you have to do is bounce up and down in a humping motion and steer using the long, dark, thick steering shaft.  While you’re sweating and getting bit by mosquitos, remember to never stop  air humping.  If you do, you’ll sink immediatley into the leech filled river water, and so will your brand new trampofoil! 

Litter

Why walk when others can do that for you?  Your friends will get a proper workout carrying your fat ass as you play your 3D DS and nap, all at the break neck speed of 2 miles per hour.  Remember, when one of your friends gets tired and wants to switch places with you, don’t be afraid to crack the whip. Get to steppin’ bitch!

Velomobile

The velomobile combines the relatively low speeds of the bicycle with the sitting-in-traffic capabilites of the automobile.  It may act like a bike, but it’s heavy like a car!  And while it looks like car, it only holds one passenger and has no storage, kind of like a bike!  Take this bad boy out on the town if you want to literally stop traffic and maybe die.

Trikke

Screw pedals, with the trikke all you need to do is shift your weight from left to right to propel yourself forward.  Work those love handles as you shimmy on over to that block party, and impress all the dudes as you unwantingly shake your ass in their direction.  Didn’t mean to butt-flirt with that douch-y looking guy with the double popped collar and the Old Navy Cargo shorts? Escape on your trikke while he gets another long look at your swaying backside.  Damn this mutant scooter!


One Comment on “5 Earthday-tastic Alternative Modes of Transportation”

  1. Zachary says:

    One of the best posts yet. I can’t believe you included the litter!!


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