International Women’s Day
Other countries celebrate IWD with parades and feminist poetry readings, but American employers typically honor the holiday with an extra smoke break for their female staff. It’s not enough that women have given us Ke$ha and Juicy Couture, they have to work through
International Sex and the City Marathon Day International Women’s Day just to prove that anything men can do they can do better, sexier, and cleavage-ier . Better hurry up with that Virginia Slim, your boss has already docked your pay because you don’t have a penis.
Feast of the Immaculate Conception
The Feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary isn’t just for Christians! Everyone deserves a day off to contemplate what being a virgin and getting impregnated with God’s baby means to them. Maybe your pregnancy test didn’t involve the angel Gabriel offering you white lilies while light from heaven shown down on the devotional book you were busy studying, but that’s not so different from you nervously inspecting a urine soaked pee-stick in your boyfriend’s bathroom as he glares at you. Praise be to God!
Casimir Pulaski Day
Remember when Poland founded America? Well, maybe founded isn’t the right word, but without Casimir Pulaski’s cavalry tactics and endless supply of spirytus, America may very well have never been born from Great Britain’s monarchical baby hole. To honor Casimir, none of the original colonies have days off, and only Buffalo, NY holds a parade, which I’ve heard smells like vomit. Even though his 267-year-old corpse was made a US citizen in 2009, I highly doubt that Casimir’s legacy as a cape wearing, red coat slaying bad-ass will ever be properly honored by more than a handful of states. I just the want the day off to shoot at people from horseback and comb my mustache!
What part of Juneteenth do employers not understand? Is it the teenth part? Because I was confused at first too. But then I learned that Juneeteenth is about Midwesterners teaching Texans how to be less backwards. I’ve tried to explain to my boss that I need June 17th, 18th, and 19th off (still not clear which teenth we’re talking about here) to guzzle grocery store fruit-pop, gorge on barbecued pickles, and then vomit profusely during a Maya Angelou poetry reading marathon, but he doesn’t seem to believe me that Juneteenth is real, or even a real word.
New Years Eve
America, what the fuck? It’s bad enough that we don’t get the 5th of July off, but making people work on New Years Eve? Those false eyelashes and fake nails don’t apply themselves! How are girls supposed to fast all day to fit into their little black dresses if they have to go to work and get headaches while dizzily trying to operate the copy machine? I mean, you’re practically asking me to bring a flask to the office so I can pregame enough to score sloppy seconds with my friend’s ex-boyfriend friend’s roommate who’s a stripper. Oh shit, I spilled Four Loco on the fax machine. Can we all go home now?
Rid your voice of all passion, turn the production up to 1,000 and forget drum sets were ever invented, because we’re hitting the club! If you’re already disoriented by the flashing lights and bone-shattering bass, don’t worry, the lyrics have you covered. So, get on the floor, holler at the dj, put your hands up, and shake your ass to that beat. Now prepare to do it all over again because the next song is exactly the same as the one you just heard. Tired already? Shut up, because we’ve got at least four more years of this shit!
No Foreigners Aloud
You mean the rest of the world listens to music? You must mean our music, right? What did you say? They make their own music? And it’s good? So it must be about the club then. It’s not always about the club? Those heathens!
Mainstream Rock is Dead
American mainstream rock music isn’t fooling anyone, it’s just pop music in disguise. To make mainstream rock all you have to do is slow down the tempo, get even more pre-K with the lyrics, and make sure the production is as bland and by-the-numbers as possible. At least you can dance to horrible American pop. With Rock music you can’t even do that, meaning that there is even less to distract you from the fact that this has all been a huge money making scheme all along.
American popstars, look at me. You don’t have to do this alone. I don’t care how nice they are, backup dancers are not your friends. They’re just half-naked strangers that you hired to push your solo act from PG-13 to R rated territory. You need real friends, one’s that will harmonize with you while executing tightly choreographed dance moves. You need people who will go on the Wendy Williams Swho with you, who will help you say “No, Wendy, I don’t want to see your pit stains. Your boobs are hurting me”
I understand that dancing around in six inch heels, bone-tight clothing, and a scratchy wig isn’t fun, but why can’t pop be? These days when I turn on the radio I’m either bored or scared, or scared that I’m so bored. Rarely am I inspired to slide around the house and sing into my hairbrush. I hate to say it but Katy Perry is really the only top-40 American out there making fun pop music at the moment, and let’s face it, I think we can do better than someone whose music writing strategy is to repackage and resell the same song 5 times.
If you’ve ever wished your milk were fermented, full of sugar, and loaded with 8 million live bacteria, then Yakult is the 2.7oz beverage for you. Chocked full of sweet, sweet Lactobacillus casei bacteria, Yakult is a refreshing beverage so pro-biotic that drinking more than three in a day will destroy your digestive system…or send you into a sugar coma, whichever comes first. More please!
To explain kefir, I’d have to use the words skin bag, ferment, goat, inoculate, milk and matrix. So, like everything else about this dairy product, the process by which kefir is made will remain a mystery. Other mysteries include who buys kefir, why it makes your mouth tingle, if that’s a good thing, when it’s gone bad, what to do if the tingling increases, and if it includes skin bags.
Individual Flavored Coffee Creamers
A longtime favorite of suburban gay teens, individual flavored coffee creamers can be found at the Denny’s just off the parking lot by that shopping mall everyone goes to. So, when you finish your soup, French fries, pancakes, and grilled cheese, wash it all down with the sensation of
eating drinking a thousand Lucky Charms marshmallows at once. Not satisfied? Don’t worry, there are still eight left, you don’t have to pay for them, and they’re six inches away from you right now.
Slice Cheese (スライス ・チーズ）
In Japan there are over ten ways to say “I’m sorry” but no way to properly apologize for Japan’s only cheese, slice cheese. This bland, pale cheese has no redeeming qualities, though it is produced by Japan’s most respected cheesemaker, the robot. To popularize its image abroad, executives at Meiji, its biggest producer, have created a theme song for their product:
The song of hunger echoes in my heart
Now I close my eyes
And remember the time
The pale white sky rises in your love
I reach for cheese
Slice cheese dreams
With non-dairy creamer, it’s all about replicating the mouthfeel of milk fats — that, and fireballs. Because when you’re two years out of film school, jobless, and your rom-com-zom-prom needs pyrotechnics, you’ll pull anything out of your pantry to see if it lights on fire. Fortunately, the non-vegan milk protein derivatives of non-dairy creamer respond well to flames and poverty. According to Wikipedia, all one needs to turn creamer into fireballs is burning coals, a road flare, a bicycle pump , and a $120,000 film degree.
What would happen if you turned Björk into a dairy product, you ask? You’re not asking that? Well, you should because the answer is the delicious leipäjuusto. Leipäjuusto is an enchanted cheese made in the frozen forests of northern Finland and the ancient Norse land of Kvenland. Soon after a reindeer gives birth, its first milk, or beastings, is stolen from its calf and whisked away to create this wondrous cheese. Some say the baby reindeer tears enhance its flavor. Once made, it is stored in the forest for three years, then warmed in the oven, placed in the bottom of a cup, soused with coffee, and eaten with the rare, Scandinavian cloudberries. In addition, it must be consumed while wearing the traditional swan dress, skirt that unfurls into a world map the size of an Olympic stadium, or oversized pom pom head enclosure.
She Wasn’t Afraid to Go German
Nowadays a lot of popstars have TV shows before they release albums, so they can prove that they can’t act before they show us that they can’t sing either. Donna Summer came along before all of this, back when every singer had to spend years in Germany, acting in German bastardizations of American musicals. Realizing quickly that she could spend her whole life singing in the Deutsch version of Hair, Donna got hitched to an Austrian actor, popped out a baby, then divorced, keeping her ex’s last name because she knew it would sell albums. And a star was born!
Sex Was a Part of the Music
More than 20 years before Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears positioned themselves as dirrty, crab-infested sex slaves, Donna Summer was posing as hookers and getting off to bass riffs. Her 1979 LP Bad Girls was a concept album about prostitution, and one edit of Love to Love You Baby featured 22 simulations of orgasms. Girl had some serious sexplaining to do!
She Didn’t Believe in Editing Things Down
Before the advent of the Internet, people had limitless attention spans. They could listen to entire albums without getting distracted by videos of kittens having a birthday party, and had no problem dancing to the same song for days, sometimes weeks. Donna was equally inexhaustible, releasing three double albums in three years, which often featured songs over 17 minutes long. Why go out tonight when you could stay home and dance to the Donna Summer discography for 427 years?
She Was a Painter
So many singers are also actors, but how many of them are painters? What would a piece of art by Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift look like?
I’m putting a space in here so you can really imagine the work of farts those two would come up with.
You know what, forget I ever mentioned it because all I’m imaging for T Swift is a watercolor of a horse with a necklace on. Donna chose to go the abstract route with her paintings of inebriated chorus girls melting into puddles of Covergirl products. Sounds like my love life!
Reinvention Was Her MO
After she invented Disco, Donna went on to master New Wave, Rock, and 90’s R&B. When her career was in the dumps in the late 80’s, she hooked up with Stock, Aitken & Waterman, the trio of producers who birthed Kylie Minogue and miscarried Rick Astley. Taken with their mindless lyrics, farty horn sections, and ability to poop out 45 identical sounding albums a year, Donna recorded the unstoppable single This Time I Know it’s for Real. The 1989 hit predicts many 1990’s trends, like transatlantic train travel, and wearing shoulder pads with cowboy boots.
RIP Donna! We love you!
By sticking with the 1960’s lineup, the cast of the Avengers movie ends up lacking diversity. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a 5/6ths male, all White superhero team, but, wait, yeah, there kind of is. The inclusion of Captain Marvel, the fro-rockin’ New Orleans harbor patrol officer turned human lazer beam would have helped to shake things up a bit. Plus audiences love that flying through planets CGI shit. Why else would people get high and see Superman?
Bald superheroes don’t come along that often, much less bald masters of the occult who dress in red spandex and blue drapery. Incorporating Dr. Druid into the Avengers movie would send an important message to Rogain-addicted dads everywhere that bald is beautiful. Plus, with the Dr.’s thinning hair and weirdly beefy body, Stanley Tucci could totally play him. That way it wouldn’t matter that Druid’s only superpower is hypnotizing people and then punching them in the esophagus, because we could stare at Tucci’s spandexed ass for two hours.
Since we’re talking about Marvel comics here, there are two versions of the Valkyrie, both of which would have made amazing additions to the Avengers movie. First there’s the man-hating, gladiator sandaled, Norse goddess wannabe who beats up the Avengers in the name of Feminism. Then there’s the other Valkyrie, the powerless valley girl who takes phone calls during battle and harbors a not so secret super-hero fetish. As much as I love Thor’s man-breasts, I think I would have preferred to see Valkyrie braw-stab aliens and shout about the patriarchy.
Falcon is so much better than Captain America. Both heroes battle Super Nazis, but only one of them was a former pimp and ganglord before being reformed by birds. While Cap partners with barely legal spandex-clad tweenage boys, Falcon fights evil with his trusty falcon and BFF, Redwing. That’s right ladies, his best friend is a bird.
Imagine if Betty Cooper managed to out-slut Veronica and get Archie, then insisted on becoming a housecat themed superhero when the marriage got boring. Then what if she divorced only to remarry the son of Satan so they could partner up as full time investigators of the occult. Patsy Walker, AKA Hellcat, did all these things and more, like the time she moved to Alaska to punch caribou. I’m not sure that the Avengers movie would have enough time to fit in all of these plot lines and any other Avengers, but really I think giving Hellcat’s throwdown with the Grim Reaper proper screen time is more important than watching Tony Stark snort coke in a robot suit.
It has been a long tradition with superheroes to make girl versions of boy heroes in an effort to cash in on the female market. While the knockoffs are often little more than that, occasionally the superladies end up being way cooler than the dudes from which they were based. Below is a list of the 10 most amazing female heroes who were derived from male sources.
Transformed by the same gamma rays that turned Ben Grimm into the Thing, Sharon Ventura became She-Thing so that the Thing would have someone to date. Quickly realizing the conundrum that she was both super ugly and a superheroine (meaning she would undoubtedly have to wear a thong), She-Thing turned suicidal. Eventually she came to terms with her craggy appearance, then tried to kill herself again when she realized that the Thing was in love with her.
Batman has had plenty of knockoff sidekicks, but how do you improve on the Dark Knight himself? Make him a lesbian! Batwoman is every girl’s dream with her albino skin, pointed breasts, and chunky combat boots. Just don’t ask her to move in with you ‘cos she’s got a secret identity to keep…a long lost twin sister to locate… a murdered mother to avenge…terrorists to hunt down…and oh my god superheroes, amiright?
You would think that there would be no way to one up Roy Harper, Green Arrow’s sidekick and the original Speedy. Not only was he addicted to heroin and had a cyborg arm, but later he became a single dad, and got a tribal tattoo to represent his Navajo heritage y’all. Somehow Mia Deardren, the current Speedy, proved herself up to the challenge with her equally insane character story. Not only was she a homeless child-prostitute, but she is also HIV positive and fell in love with a thief who then cheated on her with actress Emma Watson. So top that!
I can’t believe we’re about to have a fourth Spiderman movie without ever giving Spider-Woman a chance. Unlike Spidey, Spider-Woman is a California Gurl who werks as a detective and doesn’t feel the need to shave her webbed armpits. Her B.O. possesses a powerful pheromone that makes men love her and women hate her, which means that draaamaaaaaaa is pretty much built into her character. I really don’t know why Marvel Studios isn’t jumping at this opportunity!
6. Star Sapphire
It’s not hard to one up Green Lantern, DC Comic’s lamest super hero. Just show off some skin, bedazzle a leotard, and get some sponsorship from an alien race of space-Feminists, the Zamarons. Star Sapphire’s power derives from her bejeweled tiara, which the Zamarons gave her so she could show the universe that women are superior to men. Sadly, defeating Green Lantern only proves that you’re better than Green Lantern.
5. American Maid
One part Wonder Woman, one part Captain America, American Maid was one of the few actually competent superheroes to be featured on the animated series, The Tick. This superlady proved that any woman can fight crime, all they need is a Halloween costume, a pair of black pumps, and a Julia Louis-Dreyfus haircut.
4. The Chipettes
I’m not sure that Alvin and the Chipmunks qualify as superheroes, but they do have the power to be abnormally large rodents with the ability to speak English. The Chipettes are similarly endowed, but by all other measures far superior. Where Alvin & Co sport baggy turtleneck dresses, the Chipettes rock hipster glasses, age-inappropriate makeup, and a serious Easter morning color scheme. It’s time that these girls stopped hanging around their dumpy counterparts, and set out on their own as the sexy mutant chipmunk fashionistas we know they can be.
God, I love the Wasp. When she’s not eye-raping superheroes, she’s designing them skimpy costumes so she can eye-rape them even harder. It doesn’t matter that her powers suck (shrinking, the ability to talk to other wasps) because she’s constantly spouting soliloquies about how she’s super horny. How could they not cast her in the Avenger’s movie? Clearly audience members need a mouthpiece to express how superhott Thor and Captain America’s pecs are.
2. Ms. Pacman
Ms. Pac-Man was not only better designed than Pac-Man, she was far more popular, gaining the attention of girls who didn’t feel represented in video games. Women everywhere identified with Ms.Pac-Man, as they too wore bows, sported fake moles, and had legs that grew out of their faces. Plus, what girl doesn’t love to be chased by ghosts through a labyrinth of Pez pellets and candy buttons?
1. She Hulk
Ok, imagine if the Hulk had a vagina. And boobs. And that when he transformed he didn’t become developmentally disabled, but rather a high-powered lawyer. Now imagine that instead of fighting super villains, he spent most of his issues breaking the fourth wall and cracking jokes to readers about how his editor is fat. Now imagine that he can kind of drive but not really, and he’s constantly guest starring in various Marvel titles so he can have automobile related mishaps. She-Hulk, we love you!
It would have been so easy for Disney to cast Charlotte as the rich, racist debutant in Princess and the Frog. Instead, they made a her boy-crazy Mardi Gras princess who stuffs dollar bills in her bra and chats up six year olds. Unlike Mulan, she knows her to put on make up, and unlike every other Disney princess, she’s actually funny.
Kind of like the Skipper to Sleeping Beauty’s Barbie, Princess Eilonwy is still waiting for puberty to take its full effects and transform her into a true Disney princess. She has yet to gain her 11 inch waist, dinner plate eyes, and healthy but still family friendly breasts. Once these changes have occured, Eilonwy just needs to trade her flats for some heels and her headband for a tiara and she’s ready to join Mulan and Pocahontas on the Disney princess D-list.
Ok so maybe she’s a lion, and maybe she’s featured in a direct-to-video sequel of a much more beloved movie, but Kiara’s a bonified Disney princess dammit. While eating raw hyena and running around naked aren’t things that Belle and Ariel typically do, Kiara is a proper lady who knows all about showering publically and pushing bitches off cliffs. When you sleep on a stone bed every night and eat antelope carcass for breakfast, you don’t need no crown.
Basically a sluttier Ariel with higher plucked eyebrows, it’s easy to see why Eric almost married Vanessa instead. Even after she was pooped on, vommitted on, and infested by crabs, I’m pretty sure Eric still would have hit it. Unfortunately Vanessa’s charade as a human was quickly revealed, so she transformed back into an octopus, and was promptly stabbed in the vagina.
Although not a princess per se, Maid Marian has all the style of one. Show me another Disney chick who can rock a pink and purple turtleneck dress with marshmallow sleeves and a matching head scarf. Ignore her body hair issues, and Marian’s got the goods to go toe to toe with any “official” Disney Princess. If that’s not convincing enough for you, we’ll throw in Lady Kluck, who is bascially a pair of breasts with wings