The 5 Forgotten Disney PrincessesPosted: May 2, 2012
It would have been so easy for Disney to cast Charlotte as the rich, racist debutant in Princess and the Frog. Instead, they made a her boy-crazy Mardi Gras princess who stuffs dollar bills in her bra and chats up six year olds. Unlike Mulan, she knows her to put on make up, and unlike every other Disney princess, she’s actually funny.
Kind of like the Skipper to Sleeping Beauty’s Barbie, Princess Eilonwy is still waiting for puberty to take its full effects and transform her into a true Disney princess. She has yet to gain her 11 inch waist, dinner plate eyes, and healthy but still family friendly breasts. Once these changes have occured, Eilonwy just needs to trade her flats for some heels and her headband for a tiara and she’s ready to join Mulan and Pocahontas on the Disney princess D-list.
Ok so maybe she’s a lion, and maybe she’s featured in a direct-to-video sequel of a much more beloved movie, but Kiara’s a bonified Disney princess dammit. While eating raw hyena and running around naked aren’t things that Belle and Ariel typically do, Kiara is a proper lady who knows all about showering publically and pushing bitches off cliffs. When you sleep on a stone bed every night and eat antelope carcass for breakfast, you don’t need no crown.
Basically a sluttier Ariel with higher plucked eyebrows, it’s easy to see why Eric almost married Vanessa instead. Even after she was pooped on, vommitted on, and infested by crabs, I’m pretty sure Eric still would have hit it. Unfortunately Vanessa’s charade as a human was quickly revealed, so she transformed back into an octopus, and was promptly stabbed in the vagina.
Although not a princess per se, Maid Marian has all the style of one. Show me another Disney chick who can rock a pink and purple turtleneck dress with marshmallow sleeves and a matching head scarf. Ignore her body hair issues, and Marian’s got the goods to go toe to toe with any “official” Disney Princess. If that’s not convincing enough for you, we’ll throw in Lady Kluck, who is bascially a pair of breasts with wings