10 Female Superheroes Who Are Way Better Than Their Male CounterpartsPosted: May 6, 2012
It has been a long tradition with superheroes to make girl versions of boy heroes in an effort to cash in on the female market. While the knockoffs are often little more than that, occasionally the superladies end up being way cooler than the dudes from which they were based. Below is a list of the 10 most amazing female heroes who were derived from male sources.
Transformed by the same gamma rays that turned Ben Grimm into the Thing, Sharon Ventura became She-Thing so that the Thing would have someone to date. Quickly realizing the conundrum that she was both super ugly and a superheroine (meaning she would undoubtedly have to wear a thong), She-Thing turned suicidal. Eventually she came to terms with her craggy appearance, then tried to kill herself again when she realized that the Thing was in love with her.
Batman has had plenty of knockoff sidekicks, but how do you improve on the Dark Knight himself? Make him a lesbian! Batwoman is every girl’s dream with her albino skin, pointed breasts, and chunky combat boots. Just don’t ask her to move in with you ‘cos she’s got a secret identity to keep…a long lost twin sister to locate… a murdered mother to avenge…terrorists to hunt down…and oh my god superheroes, amiright?
You would think that there would be no way to one up Roy Harper, Green Arrow’s sidekick and the original Speedy. Not only was he addicted to heroin and had a cyborg arm, but later he became a single dad, and got a tribal tattoo to represent his Navajo heritage y’all. Somehow Mia Deardren, the current Speedy, proved herself up to the challenge with her equally insane character story. Not only was she a homeless child-prostitute, but she is also HIV positive and fell in love with a thief who then cheated on her with actress Emma Watson. So top that!
I can’t believe we’re about to have a fourth Spiderman movie without ever giving Spider-Woman a chance. Unlike Spidey, Spider-Woman is a California Gurl who werks as a detective and doesn’t feel the need to shave her webbed armpits. Her B.O. possesses a powerful pheromone that makes men love her and women hate her, which means that draaamaaaaaaa is pretty much built into her character. I really don’t know why Marvel Studios isn’t jumping at this opportunity!
6. Star Sapphire
It’s not hard to one up Green Lantern, DC Comic’s lamest super hero. Just show off some skin, bedazzle a leotard, and get some sponsorship from an alien race of space-Feminists, the Zamarons. Star Sapphire’s power derives from her bejeweled tiara, which the Zamarons gave her so she could show the universe that women are superior to men. Sadly, defeating Green Lantern only proves that you’re better than Green Lantern.
5. American Maid
One part Wonder Woman, one part Captain America, American Maid was one of the few actually competent superheroes to be featured on the animated series, The Tick. This superlady proved that any woman can fight crime, all they need is a Halloween costume, a pair of black pumps, and a Julia Louis-Dreyfus haircut.
4. The Chipettes
I’m not sure that Alvin and the Chipmunks qualify as superheroes, but they do have the power to be abnormally large rodents with the ability to speak English. The Chipettes are similarly endowed, but by all other measures far superior. Where Alvin & Co sport baggy turtleneck dresses, the Chipettes rock hipster glasses, age-inappropriate makeup, and a serious Easter morning color scheme. It’s time that these girls stopped hanging around their dumpy counterparts, and set out on their own as the sexy mutant chipmunk fashionistas we know they can be.
God, I love the Wasp. When she’s not eye-raping superheroes, she’s designing them skimpy costumes so she can eye-rape them even harder. It doesn’t matter that her powers suck (shrinking, the ability to talk to other wasps) because she’s constantly spouting soliloquies about how she’s super horny. How could they not cast her in the Avenger’s movie? Clearly audience members need a mouthpiece to express how superhott Thor and Captain America’s pecs are.
2. Ms. Pacman
Ms. Pac-Man was not only better designed than Pac-Man, she was far more popular, gaining the attention of girls who didn’t feel represented in video games. Women everywhere identified with Ms.Pac-Man, as they too wore bows, sported fake moles, and had legs that grew out of their faces. Plus, what girl doesn’t love to be chased by ghosts through a labyrinth of Pez pellets and candy buttons?
1. She Hulk
Ok, imagine if the Hulk had a vagina. And boobs. And that when he transformed he didn’t become developmentally disabled, but rather a high-powered lawyer. Now imagine that instead of fighting super villains, he spent most of his issues breaking the fourth wall and cracking jokes to readers about how his editor is fat. Now imagine that he can kind of drive but not really, and he’s constantly guest starring in various Marvel titles so he can have automobile related mishaps. She-Hulk, we love you!