5 Avengers that Should Have Been in the Avengers MoviePosted: May 15, 2012
By sticking with the 1960’s lineup, the cast of the Avengers movie ends up lacking diversity. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a 5/6ths male, all White superhero team, but, wait, yeah, there kind of is. The inclusion of Captain Marvel, the fro-rockin’ New Orleans harbor patrol officer turned human lazer beam would have helped to shake things up a bit. Plus audiences love that flying through planets CGI shit. Why else would people get high and see Superman?
Bald superheroes don’t come along that often, much less bald masters of the occult who dress in red spandex and blue drapery. Incorporating Dr. Druid into the Avengers movie would send an important message to Rogain-addicted dads everywhere that bald is beautiful. Plus, with the Dr.’s thinning hair and weirdly beefy body, Stanley Tucci could totally play him. That way it wouldn’t matter that Druid’s only superpower is hypnotizing people and then punching them in the esophagus, because we could stare at Tucci’s spandexed ass for two hours.
Since we’re talking about Marvel comics here, there are two versions of the Valkyrie, both of which would have made amazing additions to the Avengers movie. First there’s the man-hating, gladiator sandaled, Norse goddess wannabe who beats up the Avengers in the name of Feminism. Then there’s the other Valkyrie, the powerless valley girl who takes phone calls during battle and harbors a not so secret super-hero fetish. As much as I love Thor’s man-breasts, I think I would have preferred to see Valkyrie braw-stab aliens and shout about the patriarchy.
Falcon is so much better than Captain America. Both heroes battle Super Nazis, but only one of them was a former pimp and ganglord before being reformed by birds. While Cap partners with barely legal spandex-clad tweenage boys, Falcon fights evil with his trusty falcon and BFF, Redwing. That’s right ladies, his best friend is a bird.
Imagine if Betty Cooper managed to out-slut Veronica and get Archie, then insisted on becoming a housecat themed superhero when the marriage got boring. Then what if she divorced only to remarry the son of Satan so they could partner up as full time investigators of the occult. Patsy Walker, AKA Hellcat, did all these things and more, like the time she moved to Alaska to punch caribou. I’m not sure that the Avengers movie would have enough time to fit in all of these plot lines and any other Avengers, but really I think giving Hellcat’s throwdown with the Grim Reaper proper screen time is more important than watching Tony Stark snort coke in a robot suit.