5 Reasons Why Donna Summer Was the Best Singer EVER

She Wasn’t Afraid to Go German

Nowadays a lot of popstars have TV shows before they release albums, so they can prove that they can’t act before they show us that they can’t sing either. Donna Summer came along before all of this, back when every singer had to spend years in Germany, acting in German bastardizations of American musicals.  Realizing quickly that she could spend her whole life singing in the Deutsch version of Hair, Donna got hitched to an Austrian actor, popped out a baby, then divorced, keeping her ex’s last name because she knew it would sell albums.  And a star was born!

Sex Was a Part of the Music

 

More than 20 years before Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears positioned themselves as dirrty, crab-infested sex slaves, Donna Summer was posing as hookers and getting off to bass riffs.  Her 1979 LP Bad Girls was a concept album about prostitution, and one edit of Love to Love You Baby featured 22 simulations of orgasms.  Girl had some serious sexplaining to do!

She Didn’t Believe in Editing Things Down

Before the advent of the Internet, people had limitless attention spans.  They could listen to entire albums without getting distracted by videos of kittens having a birthday party, and had no problem dancing to the same song for days, sometimes weeks.  Donna was equally inexhaustible,  releasing three double albums in three years, which often featured songs over 17 minutes long. Why go out tonight when you could stay home and dance to the Donna Summer discography for 427 years?

She Was a Painter

So many singers are also actors, but how many of them are painters?  What would a piece of art by Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift look like?

I’m putting a space in here so you can really imagine the work of farts those two would come up with.

You know what, forget I ever mentioned it because all I’m imaging for T Swift is a watercolor of a horse with a necklace on.  Donna chose to go the abstract route with her paintings of inebriated chorus girls melting into puddles of Covergirl products.  Sounds like my love life!

Reinvention Was Her MO

 

After she invented Disco, Donna went on to master New Wave, Rock, and 90’s R&B.  When her career was in the dumps in the late 80’s, she hooked up with Stock, Aitken & Waterman, the trio of producers who birthed Kylie Minogue and miscarried Rick Astley.  Taken with their mindless lyrics, farty horn sections, and ability to poop out 45 identical sounding albums a year, Donna recorded the unstoppable single This Time I Know it’s for Real.  The 1989 hit predicts many 1990’s trends, like transatlantic train travel, and wearing shoulder pads with cowboy boots.

 

RIP Donna!  We love you!



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