The 6 Weirdest Dairy Products (Guest Post by Zachary)

Yakult

If you’ve ever wished your milk were fermented, full of sugar, and loaded with 8 million live bacteria, then Yakult is the 2.7oz beverage for you. Chocked full of sweet, sweet Lactobacillus casei bacteria, Yakult is a refreshing beverage so pro-biotic that drinking more than three in a day will destroy your digestive system…or send you into a sugar coma, whichever comes first. More please!

Kefir

To explain kefir, I’d have to use the words skin bag, ferment, goat, inoculate, milk and matrix. So, like everything else about this dairy product, the process by which kefir is made will remain a mystery. Other mysteries include who buys kefir, why it makes your mouth tingle, if that’s a good thing, when it’s gone bad, what to do if the tingling increases, and if it includes skin bags.

Individual Flavored Coffee Creamers

A longtime favorite of suburban gay teens, individual flavored coffee creamers can be found at the Denny’s just off the parking lot by that shopping mall everyone goes to. So, when you finish your soup, French fries, pancakes, and grilled cheese, wash it all down with the sensation of eating drinking a thousand Lucky Charms marshmallows at once. Not satisfied? Don’t worry, there are still eight left, you don’t have to pay for them, and they’re six inches away from you right now.

Slice Cheese (スライス ・チーズ)

In Japan there are over ten ways to say “I’m sorry” but no way to properly apologize for Japan’s only cheese, slice cheese.  This bland, pale cheese has no redeeming qualities, though it is produced by Japan’s most respected cheesemaker, the robot. To popularize its image abroad, executives at Meiji, its biggest producer, have created a theme song for their product:

The song of hunger echoes in my heart
Now I close my eyes
And remember the time
The pale white sky rises in your love
I reach for cheese
Slice cheese dreams

Non-dairy creamer

With non-dairy creamer, it’s all about replicating the mouthfeel of milk fats — that, and fireballs. Because when you’re two years out of film school, jobless, and your rom-com-zom-prom needs pyrotechnics, you’ll pull anything out of your pantry to see if it lights on fire. Fortunately, the non-vegan milk protein derivatives of non-dairy creamer respond well to flames and poverty. According to Wikipedia, all one needs to turn creamer into fireballs is burning coals, a road flare, a bicycle pump , and a $120,000 film degree.

Leipäjuusto

What would happen if you turned Björk into a dairy product, you ask? You’re not asking that? Well, you should because the answer is the delicious leipäjuusto. Leipäjuusto is an enchanted cheese made in the frozen forests of northern Finland and the ancient Norse land of Kvenland. Soon after a reindeer gives birth, its first milk, or beastings, is stolen from its calf and whisked away to create this wondrous cheese. Some say the baby reindeer tears enhance its flavor. Once made, it is stored in the forest for three years, then warmed in the oven, placed in the bottom of a cup, soused with coffee, and eaten with the rare, Scandinavian cloudberries. In addition, it must be consumed while wearing the traditional swan dress, skirt that unfurls into a world map the size of an Olympic stadium, or oversized pom pom head enclosure.



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