5 Things Wrong with American Popular MusicPosted: May 24, 2012
Rid your voice of all passion, turn the production up to 1,000 and forget drum sets were ever invented, because we’re hitting the club! If you’re already disoriented by the flashing lights and bone-shattering bass, don’t worry, the lyrics have you covered. So, get on the floor, holler at the dj, put your hands up, and shake your ass to that beat. Now prepare to do it all over again because the next song is exactly the same as the one you just heard. Tired already? Shut up, because we’ve got at least four more years of this shit!
No Foreigners Aloud
You mean the rest of the world listens to music? You must mean our music, right? What did you say? They make their own music? And it’s good? So it must be about the club then. It’s not always about the club? Those heathens!
Mainstream Rock is Dead
American mainstream rock music isn’t fooling anyone, it’s just pop music in disguise. To make mainstream rock all you have to do is slow down the tempo, get even more pre-K with the lyrics, and make sure the production is as bland and by-the-numbers as possible. At least you can dance to horrible American pop. With Rock music you can’t even do that, meaning that there is even less to distract you from the fact that this has all been a huge money making scheme all along.
American popstars, look at me. You don’t have to do this alone. I don’t care how nice they are, backup dancers are not your friends. They’re just half-naked strangers that you hired to push your solo act from PG-13 to R rated territory. You need real friends, one’s that will harmonize with you while executing tightly choreographed dance moves. You need people who will go on the Wendy Williams Swho with you, who will help you say “No, Wendy, I don’t want to see your pit stains. Your boobs are hurting me”
I understand that dancing around in six inch heels, bone-tight clothing, and a scratchy wig isn’t fun, but why can’t pop be? These days when I turn on the radio I’m either bored or scared, or scared that I’m so bored. Rarely am I inspired to slide around the house and sing into my hairbrush. I hate to say it but Katy Perry is really the only top-40 American out there making fun pop music at the moment, and let’s face it, I think we can do better than someone whose music writing strategy is to repackage and resell the same song 5 times.