5 Holidays That We Should Get The Day Off For

International Women’s Day

Other countries celebrate IWD with parades and feminist poetry readings, but American employers typically honor the holiday with an extra smoke break for their female staff.  It’s not enough that women have given us Ke$ha and Juicy Couture, they have to work through International Sex and the City Marathon Day International Women’s Day just to prove that anything men can do they can do better, sexier, and cleavage-ier .  Better hurry up with that Virginia Slim, your boss has already docked your pay because you don’t have a penis.

Feast of the Immaculate Conception

The Feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary isn’t just for Christians!  Everyone deserves a day off to contemplate what being a virgin and getting impregnated with God’s baby means to them.  Maybe your pregnancy test didn’t involve the angel Gabriel offering you white lilies while light from heaven shown down on the devotional book you were busy studying, but that’s not so different from you nervously inspecting a urine soaked pee-stick in your boyfriend’s bathroom as he glares at you.  Praise be to God!

Casimir Pulaski Day

Remember when Poland founded America?  Well, maybe founded isn’t the right word, but without Casimir Pulaski’s cavalry tactics and endless supply of spirytus, America may very well have never been born from Great Britain’s monarchical baby hole.  To honor Casimir, none of the original colonies have days off, and only Buffalo, NY holds a parade, which I’ve heard smells like vomit. Even though his 267-year-old corpse was made a US citizen in 2009, I highly doubt that Casimir’s legacy as a cape wearing, red coat slaying bad-ass will ever be properly honored by more than a handful of states. I just the want the day off to shoot at people from horseback and comb my mustache!

Juneteenth

What part of Juneteenth do employers not understand?  Is it the teenth part?  Because I was confused at first too.  But then I learned that Juneeteenth is about Midwesterners teaching Texans how to be less backwards. I’ve tried to explain to my boss that I need June 17th, 18th, and 19th off (still not clear which teenth we’re talking about here) to guzzle grocery store fruit-pop, gorge on barbecued pickles, and then vomit profusely during a Maya Angelou poetry reading marathon, but he doesn’t seem to believe me that Juneteenth is real, or even a real word.

New Years Eve

America, what the fuck?  It’s bad enough that we don’t get the 5th of July off, but making people work on New Years Eve?  Those false eyelashes and fake nails don’t apply themselves!  How are girls supposed to fast all day to fit into their little black dresses if they have to go to  work and get headaches while dizzily trying to operate the copy machine?  I mean, you’re practically asking me to bring a flask to the office so I can pregame enough to score sloppy seconds with my friend’s ex-boyfriend friend’s roommate who’s a stripper.  Oh shit, I spilled Four Loco on the fax machine. Can we all go home now?



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