Did you have your license revoked for too many open boxes of wine in the back seat, passenger seat, and car seat? Well, the 90’s are back, and so is the age old tradition of clinging to a BMW bumper while rocks and glass shards fly at you from all directions. Don’t let the police or any concern for your own safety stop you from being mobile. Just steal some ‘blades from your local skating rink, roll up to a red light, duck down, grab onto that bumper, inhale some sweet sweet exhaust fumes, and get ready for the ride of your life…and your death.
What’s smellier than a bus, more boring than a car, and slower than walking? Canals! Sip sarsaparilla to the sound of horse farts as your body nourishes whole nations of mosquitoes. During your trip through middle-of-no-where Indiana you’ll learn about the immigrants who proudly called this land home, and later, died there. Bored already? But we’ve only gone 4 miles this week!
Can you imagine taking the bus like a barbarian? I would rather dowse myself in bug spray, draw a smiley face on the back of a suicide hotline poster, and stand by the on-ramp. You’ll know its me ‘cos I’m that guy where my beard hair and armpit hair have merged into what I fondly refer to as my “beardpit” hair. Relax, I’m not going stab you or try to force my Phish mixtape into your tape deck. I do like your bra strap.
Stop complaining! If you want to go to California this summer but don’t have any money, then quit your job and walk the 1,743 miles. There’ s no better way to break in your new pair of Converse All Stars than to wander around the New Mexico desert trying to remember which way West is. If you get tired, just lie down in the dirt and think about how its the journey, not the destination. That pack of vultures will keep you company.
Did you know that you can fly for cheap if you don’t care where your seat is or how oxygenless your flight is? If you’re small, you can stow away in some luggage, but let’s be real, you’re way too fat for that. If you want to go to Paris, you’re going to have to scamper up the landing gear. I suggest that you don’t bring any luggage, because it could strangle you upon takeoff, during the flight, and during the landing. When the plane’s wheel starts to crush you as the plane retracts its landing gear, suck it in because your diet starts today!