5 of Spider-Man’s Girlfriends That Deserve Some Screen TimePosted: July 11, 2012
Debra Whitman would be the perfect girlfriend for Spider-Man: The Lifetime Original Movie. In the comics, despite her mental instability, she deduces that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. To protect his secret identity, Peter convinces Debra that she’s actually just super nutso, and then he dresses up as Spider-Man to prove to her how absurd the idea is that Peter Parker is Spider-Man (even though he totally is!). At this point Debra’s brain explodes.
Whoever dates Peter Parker in the Spider-Man movies inevitably is also the female lead, so the character needs enough of her own stuff going on to give the role depth. Carlie Cooper, with her Spider-Man tramp stamp and inspired roller derby name (Crusher Carlie, bitches!) is plenty deep. I mean, when she found out her dad wasn’t dead after all she got all serious and cut her hair off and stuff. A Spider-Man movie needs a girl who will track down a supervillain by planting her iPhone on them and then realize that now she can’t play Farmville and then remember that Farmville is on Facebook, and, wait, where did her iPhone go?
Ok, so Lisa Skye’s one and only appearance is in this advertisement for Hostess Cup Cakes, but I see so much potential in her. Let’s say that she develops a junk food addiction just as Mayor Bloomberg outlaws all fats and sweets, and then she has to get buddy-buddy with the film’s villain in order to get those hamburger-flavored ruffle Doritos she craves. I’m envisioning an ending where Lisa falls over the edge of a building while reaching for a 32oz Diet Dr. Pepper with Lime, and Spider-Man’s webbing snaps trying to catch her because she now weighs 6,000 pounds.
I love Spider-Man, but so far the movies have been much too scary for me and my children. I say we make a G-rated Spider-Man film, free from Green Goblin’s grimace and Doctor Octopus’ exposed man-boobs. Sophia Sanduval, AKA Chat, a mutant that can talk to animals, would be the perfect girlfriend for this type of movie. I’m thinking she could marshal an army of pomeranians and cockatiels to free Spidey from the clutches of an evil dog catcher who’s trying to put down every pooch and poodle in New York. Obviously the film would be called Spider-Man’s Best Friend.
When Peter Parker had sex with Michele Gonzales and then called her Mary Jane during sex and then moved in with her, he created his greatest foe ever. Imagine a movie where Spider-Man has to worry about the Vulture and a roommate who will burn his underwear because he left the toilet seat up. Obviously the film would climax with Michele mistaking some stray spider-webbing for semen, and then her pushing Peter down 14 flights of stairs out of disgust.