Neil Patrick Harris Has a Doppelganger
Do you know how sometimes you never knew you needed something until it’s standing right in front of you? Before the London Games, I never realized how important it was to me to make out with a British, ginger, Olympic version of Neil Patrick Harris. I mean, NPH is cute and all, but what if he wore spandex shorts and had abs for some reason? It would also be cool if he could long jump over crocodile infested waters to save me from that orphanage fire. That would be great.
You Can Eat McDonalds and Win a Gold Medal
Go for the gold with new Olympic-sized value meals from McDonalds! Eat like Michael Phelps with our 432-piece all shark meat Chicken McNuggets. Still hungry? Our lard-loaded McProtein Shake will ensure that you get the thousands of calories you need to sit on your ass. When you’re done with that, take a dip in our Olympic sized swimming pool full of chlorine-infused slow-roasted iced coffee. If your heart starts to hurt, that’s just your dreams calling you.
The Spice Girls Will Never Die
Remember when the Spice Girls performed at the closing ceremony and everyone looked simultaneously older and sluttier? I’m hoping this is the start of a trend where Britain reunites the Spice Girls for every subsequent Olympic Games they host. London can just keep them in a time capsule, and the outfits can get more and more revealing until it’s just 5 dancing skeletons singing Say You’ll Be There. I mean, Posh is pretty much at that stage already.
The Olympics are Super Gay
Put down that penis and grab your iPhone because the athletes have arrived in London! Wait, don’t grab your iPhone because Grindr has crashed and there’s no way to find out how many inches away from your crotch all of the gay Olympians’ crotches are. I guess you’ll have to bribe your way into the Olympic village so you can be part of one of those all night synchronized sex orgies I heard about on NPR. Oh wait, were there like, sports going on too?
NBC Ain’t Cutting It Anymore
Get it together NBC. The Miles-watching-the-Olympics experience was really lacking in 2012. You know he only watches Hulu, and yet you made him rely on the television like a Baby Boomer? I mean, I had to go to Radioshack, buy an analogue converter box for $65 (which is like paying for 8 months of Hulu+) only to learn that my TV couldn’t pick up NBC, even with the rabbit ears at full mast. So to make things even more 1950’s, I had to resort to watching the Games at bars in the middle of the day like some factory worker. I would not be surprised if the 2014 winter Olympics are telegraphed.