Have Somewhere to Stay
Beds are really underappreciated. I mean, when was the last time you thanked your mattress for not being a pee-soaked slab of concrete covered in used condoms? And your pillows have been doing a really good job of not smelling like moldy alternative-weeklies with NicoDermCQ stuck on them. I think a thank you is in order here.
Let’s get real, did you really need to bring your laptop computer, your desktop computer, and your supercomputer with you on vacation? Because unless you need to Skype with mommy and daddy, you really only needed to bring the supercomputer. Forget underwear because you can just make origami underpants, and leave the water bottle behind and just use your flask. Think smart here dummies.
Have an Itinerary
I know, I know, organization super sucks, and writing things down hurts your wimpy laptop hands, but this is important. If you don’t have a must-see list when you visit a new place, you’re just going to end up wandering aimlessly and spending time in vintage sex-toy stores, which is something you could have done at home. Knowing that you have to visit the Fascism Museum and then go to a brine tasting will help you forget that you are painfully, dangerously alone in a city that neither cares about, nor respects you.
Spend Lots of Money
Going on vacation is not the time to be poor. I don’t care if you have to steal another one of your parents’ Capital One cards to make this happen, but spending money is the key to a happy trip. Never had an Italian wedding cake before? Buy it. Interested in that designer banana hammock in the window of that Nicaraguan cell phone store? Go ahead and pick up 3. You earned it, or at least your parents did.
Call Your Mom
When you get lost and wind up in an alley that smells like gun powder and drying blood, it’s time to call Mom. Even if long distance is really expensive here because the country doesn’t have cell phones yet, it’s still a good idea. Your mom will be happy to type complete sentences into Ask Jeeves and then click on an ad about a Spirit Airlines lawsuit in order to get you to safety. On Mothers Day you can thank her with that discarded AK-47 you found.