Happy Anniversary! By OPI
Why spend hours searching for the perfect personalized gift when you can watch the latest episode of Jerseylicious and crack open this bottle o’ polish! There’s no doubt that every man is secretly hoping you will open the door and shove your chemical-scented hands in his face with an excited squeal. But wives, don’t you fret. You too can indulge in this gift! Because nothing says love like refusing to open your husband’s present because you need to preserve your manicure.
Creamy Climax Dream by Naughty Nailz
Naughty Nailz has finally capitalized on everyone’s favorite hobby: staring at Fabio while painting their toes. This special formula will arrive at your house in a black unmarked bag from an unknown address. The bottle features instructions to not only keep it at body temperature, but in a dark, locked location between your copies of “Beef Stroke-him-off” and “Dungeons and Dildos 2”. Only there can you properly store your Creamy Climax Dream. Well, there or the inside of a condom.
Jumpin’ Junkanoo by Essie
In an effort to educate nail polish consumers world-wide, Essie has produced Jumpin’ Junkanoo. For those of us not from the Bahamas, our knowledge of this term may be limited to the Baha Men’s stunning album. However, it turns out from a swift Wikipedia search that Junkanoo is in fact a parade celebrating freedom by recreating the times when slaves would hide in the bushes and make music while covered in costumes made of paint, leaves, old newspaper, and discarded sponges. Thanks to Essie we all can share in the celebration of freedom while covering our toes in paint and completely missing the point of a cultural celebration. America!
Red Lights Ahead…Where? By OPI
Needing to broaden their demographic from put together young women to alcohol-poisoned celebutantes, OPI produced a nail polish that would resonate with consumers from Las Vegas to LA with “Red Lights Ahead…Where?” Considering going out on the town without a DD? Meeting up with LiLo and P. Hilt to explore the newest clubs? Somewhat color blind? OPI has you covered so that when that cop pulls you over and you’re trying to think of just what to say, you’ll have the answer right on your fingertips.
Friar, Friar Pants on Fire by OPI
How does OPI continue to do it? Somewhere between looking at paint swatches and gnawing off their acrylics, the OPI staff has managed to maintain awareness of cultural events. I can only imagine the break room is full of flat screens circulating CNN, HSN and MTV. While delicately manipulating chopsticks so as not to expose her delicate nail beds to any of her California roll’s wasabi, intern Mandi looks up to see a headline and becomes inexplicably concerned. Just what she has read, she is not sure, but by golly she needs to express it and after much discussion with her boss, has decided you too should have a way to air your grievances about that thing that people were talking about that had something to do with a priest. Right?
Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne
In my freshman year of high school, Sk8er Boi made sense. Of course, five years from now the sk8er boi is gonna be rockin up MTV and the slutty ballet girl will be at home alone with her baby! I’d bet my Zumiez hoodie on it! What do you mean that in a few years she’ll be the one on MTV and he won’t, because MTV won’t even play music anymore? What do you mean Avril doesn’t even skateboard? You’re destroying my world!
Get Low by Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz feat.Ying Yang Twins
From the fogged up cafetorium window to that dirty, dirty wall, Get Low had the sweat droppin’ down Batavia High Schoolers balls at every homecoming dance. While I never enjoyed the song, that didn’t stop every other 15-year-old boy from whipping off his dress shirt and helicoptering it above his head while an insecure freshman ground against his dress pants. If nothing else, Get Low taught a whole generation of Batavia girls how to drop dat ass to the floor with tears in their eyes.
Milkshake by Kelis
We had a very progressive art department in my high school, which meant that we had long discussions about what, exactly, Kelis meant by “her milkshake.” Eventually deciding that Kelis was referring to her vagina juice, my art teacher banned the song from our classroom, but not before buying the whole class McDonald’s milkshakes. What the hell did it all mean?
Yeah by Usher feat. Lil Jon and Ludacris
Yeah spent 12 weeks at the top of the charts.
Twelve motherfucking weeks.
In its own way, it was the Rolling in the Deep of its time, except, you know, it was complete and utter shit. It was inescapable, even during the school day. I remember when it came on the car radio during Drivers Ed, and, not wanting to take her hands off of the wheel, Suzanne Lang nearly crashed the car into a Denny’s in an attempt to get the song to stop playing. I would have gladly died if it meant never hearing Yeah again.
Lose Control by Missy Elliot feat. Ciara and Fatman Scoop
Oh my God, how lucky was the class of 2006 to have one of the best songs of our lives come out in time for the greatest night of our lives: Prom! There’s no better way to celebrate the end of high school than by writhing to Missy and coming to the slow realization that in college you’ll never get away with wearing a tiara. So go ahead and lose control! What happens in high school stays in high school…or in the dumpster of that nearby Plato’s Closet.
Forget Cliff, Denise was truly the wisest of the Huxtable family. She showed her younger siblings that you don’t need money, taste, or even sanity to pick out the freshest fashions. Just go to your local Salvation Army and shoplift the scratchiest, vomit colored sweater you can find, and then wear a tuxedo shirt under it. And when Claire Huxtable shoots you one of her I-wish-I-had-never-birthed-you looks, drop out of college and become a step-mother to baby Raven Symoné. Rich Black people problems = solved.
It must be nearly impossible to stay up on the trends when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere with a chimpanzee and a sister that smells like elephant poop, but somehow Debbie Thornberry manages. Whether it be making her own shampoo to maintain the oatmeal consistency of her hair, or arguing for her own trailer-bedroom so that she can smoke weed in private, Debbie understands that cool teens are off the grid. Wildlife? Please.
The original promiscuous girl, Kelly Bundy redefined dumb blonde as something even dumber than it already was. Really, with no non-trashy role models, what else could Kelly do but stop wearing bras and use her body to sell used segways on public access? If she taught her younger brother Bud anything, it was that, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have seen ‘Lost in Space’ at all.”
Like Debbie Thornberry, Judy Funny didn’t really fit in with her those around her. While the rest of Bluffington was content to get stoned and see the Beets in concert, Judy spent her time memorizing King Lear monologues and cutting her hair with a can opener. She put the Nickelodeon in beatnick, and popularized the beret as something that not just gay French people wear. I hope Doug was taking notes in that journal of his.
Karen Arnold, too cool for birthday cake, too cool for school. As the oldest sibling, she was keen to show her brothers that you don’t need your parents money when you can pour bleach on the crotch of your jeans all by yourself. And if Dad wants to send you to college, tell him it’s a waste of time and you’d just major in tie-dye anyway. Your plan is to bum around Europe and wake up in a Serbian veterinarian’s office with your kidney removed. Yeah, that sounds real hip.
I represent 6.88 billion people
When I came to Japan I assumed I would represent low-income, K-pop-obsessed, Midwestern, flexitarian, art history majors like I did in the United States, but instead, I was informed countless times by the Japanese government that to the Japanese I would represent all foreigners. ALL OF THEM. So now my every action represents the lives and values of Nigerian teenage girls, Brazilian fisherman, Kazakhstani college students, and Yemeni grandmas. Already countless elementary school students have remarked “foreigners are so tall!” upon meeting me. I`m sorry I misrepresented you global population of little people!
Japanese women hate the sun
You wouldn`t want to damage/burn/make sexy your pale, delicate skin would you? Of course not. So before you go outside, make sure to put lycra long sleeves under your short sleeves, a scarf around your neck, a giant, frumpy hat on your head, pants over your shorts, a windbreaker over your shirt, and pants over your pants because THESUNWILLSTEALYYOURBEAUTYGRRL!
Garbage is complicated
If you assumed you could just throw that moldy corn-mayonnaise pizza, Hello Kitty baby-T, and house shrine you no longer believe in into the same black garbage bag and haul it to the curb, then honey it’s time for a wakeup call. Didn’t you sort your trash into the nine designated categories? Don’t even think about mixing up burnable trash, non-burnable trash, plastic bottles, paper, bound paper, glass bottles, clothing w/o buttons, clothing w/ buttons, Styrofoam, and pyrofoam because you will find that shameful mess back on your door step!
Couldn’t get it all together in time for the monthly non-burnable trash day and semi-monthly recycling days? Looks like your bedroom now doubles as your recycling storage center!
Everything is a two-lane road
But Zachary there’s no way more than one tiny Japanese car can fit through that narrow, curvy mountain road with a cliff on one side and a ditch on the — Nonsense! There’s always room for two! And just for fun let`s add a parked car on the right, an old lady on a bicycle on the left, and make the oncoming car a semi-truck. Now all you have to do to get past is not kill the old lady, drive into the ditch, hit the truck, or send anyone off the cliff. Wait, your car doesn`t have retractable side mirrors?! Good luck!
Japan has everything figured out.
Tired of balancing your bank account? Just jam your bank book into an ATM machine and it’ll take down all your transactions for you. Don’t want to bring your wet umbrella into that building? Just store it in a ubiquitous umbrellas rack or place it into a perfectly-sized plastic umbrella bag. But where Japan really has things figured out is cleaning. Through employing students as child cleaning armies, janitors have been eliminated. Why hire someone to clean the urinals every week when Miyu, Moya, and Mayu can do it everyday after school for free? And don’t’ forget about the 130 other 9-year-olds who will clean anything you ask everyday for 15 minutes. Domo Arigato Gozaimasu!