The 5 Coolest TV Older Sisters

Denise Huxtable

Forget Cliff, Denise was truly the wisest of the Huxtable family.  She showed her younger siblings that you don’t need money, taste, or even sanity to pick out the freshest fashions. Just go to your local Salvation Army and shoplift the scratchiest, vomit colored sweater you can find, and then wear a tuxedo shirt under it.  And when Claire Huxtable shoots you one of her I-wish-I-had-never-birthed-you looks, drop out of college and become a step-mother to baby Raven Symoné.  Rich Black people problems = solved.

Debbie Thornberry

It must be nearly impossible to stay up on the trends when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere with a chimpanzee and a sister that smells like elephant poop, but somehow Debbie Thornberry manages.  Whether it be making her own shampoo to maintain the oatmeal consistency of her hair, or arguing for her own trailer-bedroom so that she can smoke weed in  private, Debbie understands that cool teens are off the grid.  Wildlife? Please.

Kelly Bundy

The original promiscuous girl, Kelly Bundy redefined dumb blonde as something even dumber than it already was.  Really, with no non-trashy role models, what else could Kelly do but stop wearing bras and use her body to sell used segways on public access?  If she taught her younger brother Bud anything, it was that, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have seen ‘Lost in Space’ at all.”

Judy Funnie

Like Debbie Thornberry, Judy Funny didn’t really fit in with her those around her.  While the rest of Bluffington was content to get stoned and see the Beets in concert, Judy spent her time memorizing King Lear monologues and cutting her hair with a can opener.  She put the Nickelodeon in beatnick, and popularized the beret as something that not just gay French people wear.  I hope Doug was taking notes in that journal of his.

Karen Arnold

Karen Arnold, too cool for birthday cake, too cool for school.  As the oldest sibling, she was keen to show her brothers that you don’t need your parents money when you can pour bleach on the crotch of your jeans all by yourself.  And if Dad wants to send you to college, tell him it’s a waste of time and you’d just major in tie-dye anyway.  Your plan is to bum around Europe and wake up in a Serbian veterinarian’s office  with your kidney removed.  Yeah, that sounds real hip.


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