The Top 5 Worst Nail Polish Names (Guest Post by Kate)

Happy Anniversary! By OPI

Why spend hours searching for the perfect personalized gift when you can watch the latest episode of Jerseylicious and crack open this bottle o’ polish! There’s no doubt that every man is secretly hoping you will open the door and shove your chemical-scented hands in his face with an excited squeal. But wives, don’t you fret. You too can indulge in this gift! Because nothing says love like refusing to open your husband’s present because you need to preserve your manicure.

Creamy Climax Dream by Naughty Nailz

 

Naughty Nailz has finally capitalized on everyone’s favorite hobby: staring at Fabio while painting their toes. This special formula will arrive at your house in a black unmarked bag from an unknown address. The bottle features instructions to not only keep it at body temperature, but in a dark, locked location between your copies of “Beef Stroke-him-off” and “Dungeons and Dildos 2”. Only there can you properly store your Creamy Climax Dream.  Well, there or the inside of a condom.

Jumpin’ Junkanoo by Essie

In an effort to educate nail polish consumers world-wide, Essie has produced Jumpin’ Junkanoo. For those of us not from the Bahamas, our knowledge of this term may be limited to the Baha Men’s stunning album. However, it turns out from a swift Wikipedia search that Junkanoo is in fact a parade celebrating freedom by recreating the times when slaves would hide in the bushes and make music while covered in costumes made of paint, leaves, old newspaper, and discarded sponges. Thanks to Essie we all can share in the celebration of freedom while covering our toes in paint and completely missing the point of a cultural celebration.  America!

Red Lights Ahead…Where? By OPI

Needing to broaden their demographic from put together young women to alcohol-poisoned celebutantes,  OPI produced a nail polish that would resonate with consumers from Las Vegas to LA with “Red Lights Ahead…Where?” Considering going out on the town without a DD? Meeting up with LiLo and P. Hilt to explore the newest clubs? Somewhat color blind? OPI has you covered so that when that cop pulls you over and you’re trying to think of just what to say, you’ll have the answer right on your fingertips.

Friar, Friar Pants on Fire by OPI


How does OPI continue to do it? Somewhere between looking at paint swatches and gnawing off their acrylics, the OPI staff has managed to maintain awareness of cultural events. I can only imagine the break room is full of flat screens circulating CNN, HSN and MTV. While delicately manipulating chopsticks so as not to expose her delicate nail beds to any of her California roll’s wasabi, intern Mandi looks up to see a headline and becomes inexplicably concerned. Just what she has read, she is not sure, but by golly she needs to express it and after much discussion with her boss, has decided you too should have a way to air your grievances about that thing that people were talking about that had something to do with a priest. Right?


One Comment on “The Top 5 Worst Nail Polish Names (Guest Post by Kate)”

  1. Zachary says:

    Two words: Intern Mandi.


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