5 Things I Learned in Indianapolis

A Good Name Doesn’t Have to be Complicated

Unlike those other places named after Native American gods and stuff, Indianapolis kept it simple.  Take the state name, add some Greek gobbledygook on the end, and voila: Indianapolis, or literally, place where Indians used to live.  When you get tired of saying Indianapolis, Indiana all the time (but you never will) you get the privilege of shortening it to Indy.  The nickname gives the city this cool, indie vibe, even though that is the last thing this city is like.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Haters like to say that Indianapolis will never be bigger than New York City, but the truth is, it already is bigger.

In area.

Maybe it doesn’t have the density or skyline of other big cities, but damn it, it would take a hell of a long time to walk from one end of the cornfield covered border of Indy to the other, and that counts for something.  I think that soon enough people are going to wake up and see that Indianapolis is the 12th biggest metropolis in the country, and that you can afford a very nice farm here.

Canals Rock!

Rivers are out! Canals are in!  Why would anyone want some free flowing body of sludge that’s full of leeches when they could have a sterile, calm, hot piece of water alongside their new condo?  The state of Indiana knew exactly what they were doing when they went into bankruptcy trying to build a 296 mile canal, but then had to give up after completing only 8 miles.  They knew that 200 years later, 21st century yuppies would buy the shit out of some condos with water behind them.

Whore Out Your Downtown

Indianapolis is the only city in the world with a skyline entirely made up of Hiltons and  Marriotts.  The downtown has been scrubbed clean of rifraff, homeless types, and all other Indianapolis citizens so that you can enjoy your feces research conference in peace.  We will gladly accept your money and in return we will guarantee that you will not see another living soul the minute you step outside of your hotel lobby.  Oh no, there’s an old lady across the street?  That’s just a ghost.  Or she soon will be anyway.

Sports are Bigger than God

Hi, welcome to Indy, home of the Indianapolis Colts and recent host of the 2012 Super Bowl XLVI!  If you’ve  never been here before than let me remind you that we are home to the Indy 500, as well as three time ABA champions, the Indiana Pacers.  I hope that you enjoy our fine city and have plenty of time to think about how we have hosted the NCAA Final Four six different times, and were home to the 1987 Pan American Games.  What’s that?  You don’t like sports?
Get the fuck out of my city.

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The Five Reasons to Get a Tattoo

Because You’re Gross

Let’s face it, you’re body’s not great.  Your left side sags in a different way than your right side, your face never really came together, and your skin looks like you spilled bleach on it.  A tattoo is going to look better than anything God gave you as a joke when He was drunk.  It doesn’t really matter what you get, as long as you cover up that patch of freckles that looks like a swastika, and distract from your weird bones.

Because You’ll Never Be Better Than You Are Now

Worried that your tattoo won’t stand the test of time?  Let me put it in perspective for you.  In your 20’s, you will never be cooler than you are now.  Getting a tattoo will say on your body, forever, that you were a pretty stylish bitch who knew how to rock a good trend.  For those in their 30’s, you need to slap something on your body quick, ‘cos in your 40’s your appearance will start a steep, perilous decline.  40’s and up, look how wise you are.  So, so wise.  Prove it to the world and get at that New Yorker cartoon caption contest entry tattooed on your sagging ass. Death’s clock is ticking!

Because Art is Forever

If museums have taught us nothing, because I’m not really sure what I learn there, it’s that art objects should be preserved for millennia.  If it’s helpful to you, think of your body as a museum, and that shitty rendering of Hello Kitty riding a killer whale that your friend scrawled on you as the highest art.  Years later, your grandchildren will admire you as a record of the poorly drawn, derivative, commercialized shit-world of the past.

Because They’re Sexy

Secrets are hot.  When I found out that my boyfriend was really my girlfriend and that she had actually killed my dog on purpose, she became that much sexier to me.  Similarly, tattoos are like a cute little secret,  a secret your body tells. When that dude you met at the bar gets your pants off and sees your “Only if You Cook me Breakfast ” tattoo around your bellybutton, he is going to go so cray cray on your yaya.

Because Everyone is Doing it

If none of the above reasons convinced you to permanently scar your body, then listen the fuck up.  Tattoos have become de rigeur for young people, and I’m not just talking hipsters.  Do you want to be 35-years-old and at the pool and have children point and laugh at you shouting “Naked! Naked!”?  Because showing that much uninked skin  in public is going to invite that reaction.  I mean, I can see your entire arm.