5 Things I Learned in Indianapolis

A Good Name Doesn’t Have to be Complicated

Unlike those other places named after Native American gods and stuff, Indianapolis kept it simple.  Take the state name, add some Greek gobbledygook on the end, and voila: Indianapolis, or literally, place where Indians used to live.  When you get tired of saying Indianapolis, Indiana all the time (but you never will) you get the privilege of shortening it to Indy.  The nickname gives the city this cool, indie vibe, even though that is the last thing this city is like.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Haters like to say that Indianapolis will never be bigger than New York City, but the truth is, it already is bigger.

In area.

Maybe it doesn’t have the density or skyline of other big cities, but damn it, it would take a hell of a long time to walk from one end of the cornfield covered border of Indy to the other, and that counts for something.  I think that soon enough people are going to wake up and see that Indianapolis is the 12th biggest metropolis in the country, and that you can afford a very nice farm here.

Canals Rock!

Rivers are out! Canals are in!  Why would anyone want some free flowing body of sludge that’s full of leeches when they could have a sterile, calm, hot piece of water alongside their new condo?  The state of Indiana knew exactly what they were doing when they went into bankruptcy trying to build a 296 mile canal, but then had to give up after completing only 8 miles.  They knew that 200 years later, 21st century yuppies would buy the shit out of some condos with water behind them.

Whore Out Your Downtown

Indianapolis is the only city in the world with a skyline entirely made up of Hiltons and  Marriotts.  The downtown has been scrubbed clean of rifraff, homeless types, and all other Indianapolis citizens so that you can enjoy your feces research conference in peace.  We will gladly accept your money and in return we will guarantee that you will not see another living soul the minute you step outside of your hotel lobby.  Oh no, there’s an old lady across the street?  That’s just a ghost.  Or she soon will be anyway.

Sports are Bigger than God

Hi, welcome to Indy, home of the Indianapolis Colts and recent host of the 2012 Super Bowl XLVI!  If you’ve  never been here before than let me remind you that we are home to the Indy 500, as well as three time ABA champions, the Indiana Pacers.  I hope that you enjoy our fine city and have plenty of time to think about how we have hosted the NCAA Final Four six different times, and were home to the 1987 Pan American Games.  What’s that?  You don’t like sports?
Get the fuck out of my city.


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