The Five Reasons to Get a Tattoo

Because You’re Gross

Let’s face it, you’re body’s not great.  Your left side sags in a different way than your right side, your face never really came together, and your skin looks like you spilled bleach on it.  A tattoo is going to look better than anything God gave you as a joke when He was drunk.  It doesn’t really matter what you get, as long as you cover up that patch of freckles that looks like a swastika, and distract from your weird bones.

Because You’ll Never Be Better Than You Are Now

Worried that your tattoo won’t stand the test of time?  Let me put it in perspective for you.  In your 20’s, you will never be cooler than you are now.  Getting a tattoo will say on your body, forever, that you were a pretty stylish bitch who knew how to rock a good trend.  For those in their 30’s, you need to slap something on your body quick, ‘cos in your 40’s your appearance will start a steep, perilous decline.  40’s and up, look how wise you are.  So, so wise.  Prove it to the world and get at that New Yorker cartoon caption contest entry tattooed on your sagging ass. Death’s clock is ticking!

Because Art is Forever

If museums have taught us nothing, because I’m not really sure what I learn there, it’s that art objects should be preserved for millennia.  If it’s helpful to you, think of your body as a museum, and that shitty rendering of Hello Kitty riding a killer whale that your friend scrawled on you as the highest art.  Years later, your grandchildren will admire you as a record of the poorly drawn, derivative, commercialized shit-world of the past.

Because They’re Sexy

Secrets are hot.  When I found out that my boyfriend was really my girlfriend and that she had actually killed my dog on purpose, she became that much sexier to me.  Similarly, tattoos are like a cute little secret,  a secret your body tells. When that dude you met at the bar gets your pants off and sees your “Only if You Cook me Breakfast ” tattoo around your bellybutton, he is going to go so cray cray on your yaya.

Because Everyone is Doing it

If none of the above reasons convinced you to permanently scar your body, then listen the fuck up.  Tattoos have become de rigeur for young people, and I’m not just talking hipsters.  Do you want to be 35-years-old and at the pool and have children point and laugh at you shouting “Naked! Naked!”?  Because showing that much uninked skin  in public is going to invite that reaction.  I mean, I can see your entire arm.


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