Shinee – Sherlock
You guys, when I watched Sherlock for the first time, my heart stopped beating. Then when I watched it for the ninth time, my aorta exploded. In the video, Shinee take the group dance routine to a level of perfection untouched since Paula Abdul retired as a choreographer. Weaving, sliding, jumping, and twisting to a beat stolen from 1991 era Michael Jackson, the members of Shinee move in a way that distracted me completely from Taemin’s horrendous blonde wig and Key’s tragic American flag shorts. The next time you have 42.8 free minutes, take a look. Because you’re going to want to watch this video at least 12 times.
Gain – Bloom
Gain’s comeback music video starts out slow, but by 2:15 she introduces her gay entourage and starts dancing in her underpants. By 2:25, someone’s touching her butt. With Bloom, Gain turns up the heat and throws in the kitchen sink. A bedrooms scene? Sure! Sheep? Yes! Giant CG flowers? Hell Yes! Pole dancing in front of a giant sprinkler? Why not?! We and her skinny-suited dancers accompany her on this wild ride, as she asks us, “Did you like it? Did you fake it?”
100% – Bad Boy
100% is a boyband determined to prove to you that they’re tough, and they’re not afraid to use heavy guitar riffs and studded leather jackets to do it. Did I mention that their debut single is called Bad Boy and that it’s performed in the desert? Oh, and that’s no normal sand. IT’S ON FIRE. And what’s on top of that fence Rockhyun is posing in front of? Barbed wire. And wait, are they gonna start dancing or fighting, because THEY’RE JUST SO TOUGH I CAN’T TELL.
Ailee – I Will Show You
Amy Lee was born in Denver and grew up in New Jersey, just like you! But unlike you, in 2010, she realized her American music career was going nowhere and her criminal justice degree was worthless, so she jumped ship and headed to Korea. There she metamorphasized into superstar Ailee. More human than Boa and less numerous than Girls Generation, Ailee proved that all you need for a hit is some big ass pipes.
Infinite – The Chaser
Let’s face it, Kpop videos can be pretty formulaic. Dancing in suits and six inch heels in front of shiny, expensively-constructed set pieces – any seven member boy band could do that. With The Chaser, Infinite gave us a slow motion car crash and motor bike vandalism. And then what was that whole thing where they stepped through that tunnel of foggy, mirrored triangles to get to that glowing glass chamber with that weird box inside that no one ever opened?? Girl, I don’t know, but I was super into it.
Kara – Pandora
Who knew that Pandora was a man and that by opening a box he would unleash a quintet of Korean girls to sew seeds of pop destruction across the earth? In this song, Kara sings, raps, screams, and screeches against a menacing backdrop of guitars, brass, and synths, daring their lover to unwrap all of their sexy secrets (spoiler alert: they killed a man). In typical Kpop inventiveness they take some English words “up and up, ah ah”and transform them into a chant about an erection. Well played, goddesses.
Mighty Mouth feat. Soya – Bad Boy
With Bad Boy, Mighty Mouth and Soya take rap back to its roots: pop. This buddy anthem has Sangchu and Shorry J proving their credentials to Soya over some playful beats, pleading with her to be their Queen Elizabeth, their Michelle Obama. In the chorus, Soya rejects them in the cheeriest way possible, hinting that, if she plays her cards right, she could get to bang the tall one and the short one. As a cultural note: in Korea, bad boys wear tangerine suits and lots of costume jewelry.
Lee Hi – 1,2,3,4
Now here is a song whose message is clear despite the language barrier. All of those important pop words (sick and tired! liar! sexy! game over! hey baby!) are in English, and the rest of the Korean lyrics are sung with so much soul and emotion by Lee Hi that we know right away that this is a tell-off anthem. With this, her debut single, Lee demolishes much of the Kpop formula. There’s some a capella bits to remind you that she came second place in a singing competition show, and a shooby-doo-wop-wop breakdown to remind listeners that Doo-Wop lives on in the voice of a 16-year-old Korean popstar.
Exo K – History
As far as I’m concerned, no Western boyband can even approach what’s happening in Korea. We put up with One Direction and the Wanted because we have to, not because they excite us or challenge us in any way. With Exo’s History, we get a tribal beat that drops in and out as needed, a bridge that lasts nearly half the song, and a rap that blends seamlessly with the rest of the track, avoiding the lack of fit that so many other kpop rap sequences suffer from. Maybe Exo K don’t have the showboating personality of One Direction, but they let the music speak for itself.
Dal Shabet – Mr. Bang Bang
For some, all of Kpop may be their guilty pleasure, but as I have no qualms with my love of the genre, my shameful enjoyment comes from Dal Shabet. With every sentence punctuated by a synth burst, the ladies express their frustrations with a man who can’t seem to “shoot their heart.” In the breakdown they soften a little, noting that while they have insides “hotter than a shotgun” they are still just girls who need a hug. In the end however, Dal Shabet learn that sometimes a girl’s gotta make the first move, and sometimes that involves putting a bullet in the guy’s aorta.
I am astonished that every year parents are willing to spend truckloads of the green stuff on their whiny kids and then give all the credit to Santa. No fat stalker deserves this much credit! You worked way too hard at your horrible job to be upstaged by a man who shotguns Coca Cola and collects little people. Tell your kids the truth: some chick named Mary had God’s baby and that’s why I bought you a new iPhone today.
Popstars Releasing Christmas Albums
It’s crazy that singers have no idea what Christmas is about. December 25 is a time for family, materialism, and maybe religion. It is not a holiday where people meet in a snowstorm and fall in love, because we already have that holiday and it’s called Valentine’s Day. Who do you see on Christmas that you could possibly get a boner for besides that one hot cousin that you are secretly and ashamedly crushing on? And why is there no song about that?
Opening Presents on Christmas Eve
Oooh! I’m too spoiled, I just can’t wait any longer! I need to open all 67 of my presents right now! I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was having contractions 2,012 years ago today, I need to rip open that package that is the same shape as a Nintendo 3DS!! Church? Christmas Eve Dinner?! Fuck that nonsense, and fuck Baby Jesus too if he gets in the way of me and my Christmas gifts!!!
Last I checked, jokes are supposed to be funny. But where is the humor in feeling obliged to display a bunch of tacky shit either on your body or around your once charming home? Please, stop giving people useless crap. Next time you are at the thrift store, trying to decide if you should give your mom a figurine of Santa giving Jesus a swirly, think about if it will be funny everyday for the next two years until it’s invetiably thrown in the dumpster. If you still think you should get it, think harder.
Shut up Martha Steward! Just shut up! I know when fucking Christmas is and I don’t need you and Macy’s to remind me! Do you know why? Because Target already told me around Halloween that I better get my shit together for JC’s B-Day. Am I done with my shopping? Of course not. Do I need you reminding me on every media outlet available that I need to figure out what I’m getting for my sister-in-law? No! Absolutely no one wants that!
Monkey Tail Beard
None of my previous beards were asymmetrical or threatening enough. I wanted something that said that I used to work at a carnival, but now I manage a slaughterhouse. So I grew some hair on the right side of my face and then swirled it up onto my kissin’ lips. What’s wrong girl? Monkey tail got your tongue?
Women with Mustaches
As a gay man, I’ve found that women would be hotter if they looked more like men. Every Ashley and Melissa out there needs to put down that wax strip, and just let their body breath for a minute. Mmmmm, now doesn’t that feel healthy? This way you can have all the sex appeal of a 14-year-old boy with the timeless glamor of an old pervert.
Hitler ruins everything: the swastika, the name Adolph, and above all, the toothbrush mustache. Thankfully, Michael Jordan is doing his best to bring it back, along with hoop earrings for men, and Hanes relaxed banana hammocks. As a former Space Jammer and Scottsdale Scorpions outfielder, MJ is taking a big risk trying to revive this controversial ‘stache, but I’m right behind him. Like Mike, I believe that a soul patch for the upper lip is 100% worth fighting for.
It’s a well known fact that women are always cold and always in a power struggle with men. Well it’s finally happened, ladies have toppled the patriarchy using their greatest weapon: crochet. Yes, knit beards are the nail in the coffin for the penis half of the planet. Who would have ever thought that girl power would look so much like Rasputin?
Oh my blog! Guys’ faces are soooo serious! Like, we get it, you pee standing up and you eat meat or whatever. Have some fun with that mug! Why shouldn’t your mustache be a confusing labyrinth full of pimples and cold sores, and why shouldn’t your cheeks look like a pubic tribal tattoo? These questions are rhetorical, dudes!