The 5 Hottest New Facial Hair Trends

Monkey Tail Beard


None of my previous beards were asymmetrical or threatening enough. I wanted something that said that I used to work at a carnival, but now I manage a slaughterhouse.  So I grew some hair on the right side of my face and then swirled it up onto my kissin’ lips.  What’s wrong girl? Monkey tail got your tongue?

Women with Mustaches


As a gay man, I’ve found that women would be hotter if they looked more like men.  Every Ashley and Melissa out there needs to put down that wax strip, and just let their body breath for a minute.  Mmmmm, now doesn’t that feel healthy?  This way you can have all the sex appeal of a 14-year-old boy with the timeless glamor of an old pervert.

The Toothbrush


Hitler ruins everything: the swastika, the name Adolph, and above all, the toothbrush mustache. Thankfully, Michael Jordan is doing his best to bring it back, along with hoop earrings for men, and Hanes relaxed banana hammocks.  As a former Space Jammer and Scottsdale Scorpions outfielder, MJ is taking a big risk trying to revive this controversial ‘stache, but I’m right behind him.  Like Mike, I  believe that a soul patch for the upper lip is 100% worth fighting for.

Knit Beard


It’s a well known fact that women are always cold and always in a power struggle with men. Well it’s finally happened, ladies have toppled the patriarchy using their greatest weapon: crochet.  Yes, knit beards are the nail in the coffin for the penis half of the planet. Who would have ever thought that girl power would look so much like Rasputin?

Beard Art

beardartOh my blog! Guys’ faces are soooo serious!  Like, we get it, you pee standing up and you eat meat or whatever.  Have some fun with that mug!  Why shouldn’t your mustache be a confusing labyrinth full of pimples and cold sores, and why shouldn’t your cheeks look like a pubic tribal tattoo?  These questions are rhetorical, dudes!


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