Five Christmas Traditions That Need to Die

Santa Claus

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I am astonished that every year parents are willing to spend truckloads of the green stuff on their whiny kids and then give all the credit to Santa. No fat stalker deserves this much credit!  You worked way too hard at your horrible job to be upstaged by a man who shotguns Coca Cola and collects little people.  Tell your kids the truth: some chick named Mary had God’s baby and that’s why I bought you a new iPhone today.

Popstars Releasing Christmas Albums

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It’s crazy that singers have no idea what Christmas is about.  December 25 is a time for family, materialism, and maybe religion.  It is not a holiday where people meet in a snowstorm and fall in love, because we already have that holiday and it’s called Valentine’s Day. Who do you see on Christmas that you could possibly get a boner for besides that one hot cousin that you are secretly and ashamedly crushing on? And why is there no song about that?

Opening Presents on Christmas Eve

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Oooh! I’m too spoiled, I just can’t wait any longer!  I need to open all 67 of my presents right now!  I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was having contractions 2,012 years ago today, I need to rip open that package that is the same shape as a Nintendo 3DS!!  Church? Christmas Eve Dinner?! Fuck that nonsense, and fuck Baby Jesus too if he gets in the way of me and my Christmas gifts!!!

Joke Gifts

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Last I checked, jokes are supposed to be funny.  But where is the humor in feeling obliged to display a bunch of tacky shit either on your body or around your once charming home? Please, stop giving people useless crap.  Next time you are at the thrift store, trying to decide if you should give your mom  a figurine of Santa giving Jesus a swirly, think about if it will be funny everyday for the next two years until it’s invetiably thrown in the dumpster.  If you still think you should get it, think harder.

Christmas Advertisements

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Shut up Martha Steward! Just shut up! I know when fucking Christmas is and I don’t need you and Macy’s to remind me!  Do you know why? Because Target already told me around Halloween that I better get my shit together for JC’s B-Day.  Am I done with my shopping? Of course not.  Do I need you reminding me on every media outlet available that I need to figure out what I’m getting for my sister-in-law? No! Absolutely no one wants that!



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