Five Sexualities You’ve Never Heard OfPosted: January 9, 2013
These no-longer-ladies always knew men were sexy and women’s clothing was fabulous, but something about those real boobs never felt quite right. So after a complicated, 8-year coming out process, they finally emerged as the beehive wig-wearing, lipstick-smeared, man-loving men they were always meant to be! You go “girls”!
I looked down at the crowd of sparkling, disco-singing gay men atop the pink, Judy Garland parade float, and I knew I wasn’t gay enough. I needed something all the body hair glitter in the world couldn’t give me. I needed a lesbian life-partner-love-companion. She and I, our homosexual powers combined, would usher in a new gay age, gayer than ever before! And down the road, as we sea-horse-carried our rainbow love-baby to term, we’d know that nothing could defeat our gaysexual dreams.
Somewhere between picking sea-kale at the co-op and meditating at the pan-African yoga brunch, my heart transcended love. At that deep, life-affirming moment, I knew that my beautiful sexual being and my unending love for every human creature could never be separated. And indeed, never were. Communing with the most ancient of loves and locking eyes with that Unitarian grad student, ficus plant, and the sun, I entered and embraced urlove.
Questioning for Questioning
“I heard Anna’s experimenting with androgyny and hooked up with that bicurious Swiss exchange student last weekend!”
“That’s nothing! I heard Alex, that hottie who Googled “transitioning”, made out with Ian, that gender-confused guy at Shauntal’s party! But then Ian totally came out as gay!
“No way. You can’t just tell a horny Q4Q stud that you’ve figured it out!
“I know! I’d totally be on top of Alex if I were still into questioning guys!”
Love putting your mouth on other people’s mouths but cringe at the thought of putting it on their trouser snake or treasure cove? Have you considered that you may be a neutrosexual? Neutrosexuals are passionate about many intimate acts like macking, necking, spooning, and couples Christmas card design. However, when the pants come off, they will kindly ask you to put them back on. So, if you got turned on by Lord Varys from Game of Thrones or find yourself fantasizing about a Ken Doll-smooth lover, you might just have some personal sexploration to do.