Go with a Relative
I mean she’s not really my cousin, she’s more like my Dad’s good friend’s daughter, except that good friend is his sister, and that daughter is my cousin…but I only ever saw her on holidays anyway, and it’s not like I was ever checking her out, even though she is the hotter cousin, but like, hotter in an objective way, like hotter for science.
If Krystal’s’ commercials have taught me nothing, it’s that putting a boy in your trunk is A Ok. I mean, obviously not a little boy, but a man who’s of consenting age, but who does not consent to being forced at knifepoint into my trunk. By kidnapping my date, I can entertain my
murderous sexual fantasies about holding a man hostage in my basement while I feed him barbed wire and glass Hershey’s Kisses.
The Internet is a totally legitimate place to find dates, but if you need one for tomorrow, you can forget about eHarmony. Log onto any love app, such as Grindr, Stalkr, or Fuckr, and get to messaging. And by messaging, I mean slide your smartphone down your pants and snap a picture of your what-not. This will guarantee you a quality date who will roofie your drink, drink it himself, and then handcuff you both to a moving vehicle.
Call Your Ex
Hey boo, what you up to? At your mom’s house? Man, she’s such a bitch, right? No? She’s your mom and you love her? Well she was always a huge dick to me . Remember that time when she cried in church and I laughed at her and she told me that I was “of the devil?” What? I can’t talk about her like that? Why am I even calling you, we broke up, like, 4 years ago? Well how would you like to be my sexy Valentine and go on a sexy V-date with me?
Painting by Jana Paleckova
Why not forget all the trouble of finding a date on Valentine’s Day and just go stag? And by that, I don’t mean go to a restaurant alone and drink an entire bottle of red wine, I mean go with a stag! Male deer are strong, protective, and, I hope I’m not sounding too beastial here, damn sexy. You can talk about coat of arms, antler accessories, and which does are total hoes. And if at some point during the evening the stag wants to take you back to his place, get the hell out of there.
You’ve Exhausted all of your English Language Media
Ugh, I’ve literally watched every show on Hulu and Netflix and read every single thing ever written in English, even the bible! I can’t take it anymore! I almost went outside, but then I found out that there were 14 versions of Ugly Betty that I had never seen. The actors talked funny, but I remembered enough from Taco Bell commercials to piece together that Betty’s braces are fake.
You Can Hold It Over Other People
Wake up America! If you only speak one language, you’re racist. I don’t care if you were only offered Latin in school and everyone around you only speaks English, it’s still all your fault. I speak four languages: Spanish, because I believe in America; sign language, because deaf kids are trendsetters; Mandarin because China is the future; and English because it was pretty much forced on me at birth.
It’s Never Too Late to Commit to Something Really Difficult, Time Consuming, and Expensive
Sorry boyfriend, I can’t touch your no-no zone right now because I have to learn the pluperfect tense, then make 500 flash cards. And you know I want to go to Mexico with you, but I should really only travel to French speaking countries if I’m going to learn this language by 2029. Can you buy groceries this month? I spent all of my savings on Rosetta Stone.
To Get Laid
Bonjour sluts, voudriez-vous toucher mon penis avec ton manicure? Après, on peut quitter ce strip club and faire le dirty dans mon boudoir de sexe. Pas intéressé? Pourquois pas vouz appliquez ces body stickers et rejoignez moi pour un carafe de roofies?
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but translators make bank. We’re talking 100,000 to 200,000 pennies a year. If you speak a hot language like Fula, you can make a comfortable living translating cattle agreements for Fulbe herders. That flock of sheep you got may not look like a lot of money right now, but I’ve heard that in 5 years it’s going to be worth at least 45 sweaters.