The 5 Ways to Get a Date for Valentine’s Day

Go with a Relative


I mean she’s not really my cousin, she’s more like my Dad’s good friend’s daughter, except that good friend is his sister, and that daughter is my cousin…but I only ever saw her on holidays anyway, and it’s not like I was ever checking her out, even though she is the hotter cousin, but like, hotter in an objective way, like hotter for science.

Kidnap Someone


If Krystal’s’ commercials have taught me nothing, it’s that putting a boy in your trunk is A Ok.  I mean, obviously not a little boy, but a man who’s of consenting age, but who does not consent to being forced at knifepoint into my trunk.  By  kidnapping my date, I can entertain my murderous sexual fantasies about holding a man hostage in my basement while I feed him barbed wire and glass Hershey’s Kisses.

Online Dating

Online dating

The Internet is a totally legitimate place to find dates, but if you need one for tomorrow, you can forget about eHarmony.  Log onto any love app, such as Grindr, Stalkr, or Fuckr, and get to messaging.  And by messaging, I mean slide your smartphone down your pants and snap a picture of your what-not.  This will guarantee you a quality date who will roofie your drink, drink it himself, and then handcuff you both to a moving vehicle.

Call Your Ex


Hey boo, what you up to?  At your mom’s house?  Man, she’s such a bitch, right?  No? She’s your mom and you love her?  Well she was always a huge dick to me .  Remember that time when she cried in church and I laughed at her and she told me that I was “of the devil?”  What?  I can’t talk about her like that?  Why am I even calling you, we broke up, like, 4 years ago?  Well how would you like to be my sexy Valentine and go on a sexy V-date with me?


Go Stag


Painting by Jana Paleckova

Why not forget all the trouble of finding a date on Valentine’s Day and just go stag?  And by that, I don’t mean go to a restaurant alone and drink an entire bottle of red wine, I mean go with a stag!  Male deer are strong, protective, and, I hope I’m not sounding too beastial here, damn sexy.  You can talk about coat of arms, antler accessories, and which does are total hoes.  And if at some point during the evening the stag wants to take you back to his place, get the hell out of there.


One Comment on “The 5 Ways to Get a Date for Valentine’s Day”

  1. Alannah. says:

    This is completely dumb

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