Happy Anniversary! By OPI
Why spend hours searching for the perfect personalized gift when you can watch the latest episode of Jerseylicious and crack open this bottle o’ polish! There’s no doubt that every man is secretly hoping you will open the door and shove your chemical-scented hands in his face with an excited squeal. But wives, don’t you fret. You too can indulge in this gift! Because nothing says love like refusing to open your husband’s present because you need to preserve your manicure.
Creamy Climax Dream by Naughty Nailz
Naughty Nailz has finally capitalized on everyone’s favorite hobby: staring at Fabio while painting their toes. This special formula will arrive at your house in a black unmarked bag from an unknown address. The bottle features instructions to not only keep it at body temperature, but in a dark, locked location between your copies of “Beef Stroke-him-off” and “Dungeons and Dildos 2”. Only there can you properly store your Creamy Climax Dream. Well, there or the inside of a condom.
Jumpin’ Junkanoo by Essie
In an effort to educate nail polish consumers world-wide, Essie has produced Jumpin’ Junkanoo. For those of us not from the Bahamas, our knowledge of this term may be limited to the Baha Men’s stunning album. However, it turns out from a swift Wikipedia search that Junkanoo is in fact a parade celebrating freedom by recreating the times when slaves would hide in the bushes and make music while covered in costumes made of paint, leaves, old newspaper, and discarded sponges. Thanks to Essie we all can share in the celebration of freedom while covering our toes in paint and completely missing the point of a cultural celebration. America!
Red Lights Ahead…Where? By OPI
Needing to broaden their demographic from put together young women to alcohol-poisoned celebutantes, OPI produced a nail polish that would resonate with consumers from Las Vegas to LA with “Red Lights Ahead…Where?” Considering going out on the town without a DD? Meeting up with LiLo and P. Hilt to explore the newest clubs? Somewhat color blind? OPI has you covered so that when that cop pulls you over and you’re trying to think of just what to say, you’ll have the answer right on your fingertips.
Friar, Friar Pants on Fire by OPI
How does OPI continue to do it? Somewhere between looking at paint swatches and gnawing off their acrylics, the OPI staff has managed to maintain awareness of cultural events. I can only imagine the break room is full of flat screens circulating CNN, HSN and MTV. While delicately manipulating chopsticks so as not to expose her delicate nail beds to any of her California roll’s wasabi, intern Mandi looks up to see a headline and becomes inexplicably concerned. Just what she has read, she is not sure, but by golly she needs to express it and after much discussion with her boss, has decided you too should have a way to air your grievances about that thing that people were talking about that had something to do with a priest. Right?
If you’ve ever wished your milk were fermented, full of sugar, and loaded with 8 million live bacteria, then Yakult is the 2.7oz beverage for you. Chocked full of sweet, sweet Lactobacillus casei bacteria, Yakult is a refreshing beverage so pro-biotic that drinking more than three in a day will destroy your digestive system…or send you into a sugar coma, whichever comes first. More please!
To explain kefir, I’d have to use the words skin bag, ferment, goat, inoculate, milk and matrix. So, like everything else about this dairy product, the process by which kefir is made will remain a mystery. Other mysteries include who buys kefir, why it makes your mouth tingle, if that’s a good thing, when it’s gone bad, what to do if the tingling increases, and if it includes skin bags.
Individual Flavored Coffee Creamers
A longtime favorite of suburban gay teens, individual flavored coffee creamers can be found at the Denny’s just off the parking lot by that shopping mall everyone goes to. So, when you finish your soup, French fries, pancakes, and grilled cheese, wash it all down with the sensation of
eating drinking a thousand Lucky Charms marshmallows at once. Not satisfied? Don’t worry, there are still eight left, you don’t have to pay for them, and they’re six inches away from you right now.
Slice Cheese (スライス ・チーズ）
In Japan there are over ten ways to say “I’m sorry” but no way to properly apologize for Japan’s only cheese, slice cheese. This bland, pale cheese has no redeeming qualities, though it is produced by Japan’s most respected cheesemaker, the robot. To popularize its image abroad, executives at Meiji, its biggest producer, have created a theme song for their product:
The song of hunger echoes in my heart
Now I close my eyes
And remember the time
The pale white sky rises in your love
I reach for cheese
Slice cheese dreams
With non-dairy creamer, it’s all about replicating the mouthfeel of milk fats — that, and fireballs. Because when you’re two years out of film school, jobless, and your rom-com-zom-prom needs pyrotechnics, you’ll pull anything out of your pantry to see if it lights on fire. Fortunately, the non-vegan milk protein derivatives of non-dairy creamer respond well to flames and poverty. According to Wikipedia, all one needs to turn creamer into fireballs is burning coals, a road flare, a bicycle pump , and a $120,000 film degree.
What would happen if you turned Björk into a dairy product, you ask? You’re not asking that? Well, you should because the answer is the delicious leipäjuusto. Leipäjuusto is an enchanted cheese made in the frozen forests of northern Finland and the ancient Norse land of Kvenland. Soon after a reindeer gives birth, its first milk, or beastings, is stolen from its calf and whisked away to create this wondrous cheese. Some say the baby reindeer tears enhance its flavor. Once made, it is stored in the forest for three years, then warmed in the oven, placed in the bottom of a cup, soused with coffee, and eaten with the rare, Scandinavian cloudberries. In addition, it must be consumed while wearing the traditional swan dress, skirt that unfurls into a world map the size of an Olympic stadium, or oversized pom pom head enclosure.
We at Readmylist have asked a few of our brightest, sexiest friends to create lists for us. We’re calling them guest lists and Susanna has given us our first one!
In the sports world, the men are men…well most of them are. Some of them are petulant sixteen-year-old girls trapped in men’s bodies. In addition to winning championships, the following athletes-turned-drama queens should also be up for Oscars. Here are my top ten sports divas:
10. Alexander Ovechkin: Hockey players may not seem like the diva type, but Ovie isn’t your average blueliner. Between his feud with Sidney Crosby over who is the best player in the NHL (it’s Crosby, by the way), his excessive celebrations, and his sore loser attitude, Ovechkin can run with the best of the drama queens.
9. Tim Tebow: This guy is supposedly renowned for his toughness…until he loses a game. Former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow was seen bawling on national TV not once, but twice. The first time, Ole Miss narrowly upset the Gators, shattering Florida’s hopes of going undefeated. Tebow got all teary-eyed in the post-game press conference, vowing not to lose another game. The following year, the Gators played Alabama for the SEC championship and got crushed. I may never forget sitting in a bar in South Carolina with a crowd of cheering Gator haters as we watched Tebow cry not only on the field, but all the way to the locker room and in the press conference. Come on, Tim. There’s no tears in football.
8. Urban Meyer: Another Gator, another diva. Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer was apparently so upset by Alabama’s defeat of the Gators that he developed a career-ending heart problem. His retirement lasted for less than 24 hours. The next day, he basically said ‘JK guys! See you in the fall!’ Expect to hear more about Coach Meyer’s mysterious heart condition following the coming season, as many have predicted a 2-3 loss season for the Gators.
7. Tiger Wood: Did anyone besides David Duchovny even think sex addiction was a real thing before Tiger’s wife beat him upside the head with a 9-iron? Woods, former golden boy of golf, has shown his dark side and the media LOVES it. Seriously, the guy finished +13 last at the Bridgestone Invitational and the press still wouldn’t leave him alone. Sure, they loved him back when he was the do-no-wrong greatest player in the history of golf, but now that he’s a sex junkie, he has a constant entourage of paparazzi. He may not ask for the attention, but his inability to keep it in his pants has secured his place as a sports diva for many years to come.
6. Chad Ochocinco: You gotta love Chad because you’re never really sure if he just wants attention or he’s legitimately insane. The last name Johnson wasn’t cool enough for him, so he had to change it to the Spanish version of his jersey number. Rumor has it, he’s considering another name change, this time to the Japanese version of 85. Luckily, Chad’s drama is fairly harmless, except to his own bank account. He had to give Reebok several million dollars for all the jerseys and merchandise they had to alter as a result of his name change. And who could forget the time he tried to give the ref a $1 ‘bribe’ on field after failing to make a catch inbounds? That one only cost him $20,000. Anything for comedy, right?
5. Alex Rodriguez: An oldie but a goodie. A-Rod is used to being in the limelight for a variety of reasons, the least of which being his talent. His choice in girlfriends alone could get him on this list. First came Madonna, then Kate Hudson. I think the most recent one is Cameron Diaz. Add to that the scandal that followed after it was revealed that he tested positive for steroids in 2003, and you’ve got a recipe for drama. He must have been very upset when he hit his 600th career home run and no one gave a damn.
4. Lebron James: In the NBA, Lebron is known as “The King”, but blaming your team for your inability to perform in the playoffs definitely earns you the label of “queen”. I know, I know, he never said he blamed them. But actions speak louder than words, and to me, leaving the Cavs to play for the Heat because he feels like he’ll win more championships there just screams “It’s your fault I suck in the playoffs, Cavs!” Oh, let’s not forget, in his best Brett Favre imitation, he withheld his decision about where he would go for several months and announced it in a primetime press conference. It’s all about you, Lebron. Just don’t get caught dead in the state of Ohio.
3. Manny Ramirez: One day, during his prolific career with the Boston Red Sox, Manny Ramirez woke up and decided he wasn’t being paid enough. He proceeded to fake an injury, or so the story goes, and was ultimately traded to the Dodgers. Now in Los Angeles, where his star shines quite brightly (they’ve even dubbed a section of Dodgers Stadium ‘Mannywood’), Ramirez is still convinced he’s not receiving the best available offer and remains a free agent. He’s a great player, and the fans love him, but not nearly as much as he loves himself.
2. Terrell Owens: T.O. is the face of drama in the NFL. He always finds a way to get in front of the cameras, whether by taking a fan’s popcorn and dumping it in his face after a big play, or continuing to insist that he was unfairly cut by the Cowboys. He’s even been caught crying in a post-loss press conference, sobbing, “That’s my team, man. That’s my team.” For T.O., drama’s all a part of the business, and as he’s still capturing headlines at age 36 (approximately 65 in football years), business is good.
1. Brett Favre: I feel like I don’t even need to say anything. I mean, this is the guy who sends his teammates ambiguous texts about retiring, then denies telling anyone anything about retirement just to get the story back on the air. ‘Favre Watch’ has become a preseason tradition in the NFL, and until he makes a decision, all eyes are on him…which is just the way he likes it. Brett, you are the uncontested Queen of the Sports Divas.